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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex is stonewalling me - feel like I'm losing my mind.

32 replies

smoothoperatory · 26/05/2022 09:40

My ex who I share a ten year old daughter with is completely refusing to speak with me. He does this whenever I don't do something he has asked/say something he doesn't like. I can't bring up anything parenting wise as he thinks it's a personal insult to him, if I say for instance, I'm not letting daughter watch YouTube just now due to her behaviour he will say, 'so you think I just let her sit and watch YouTube at my house?' and twist it like that.

Anyways yesterday we had a disagreement, he had asked me to do something for him (unrelated to daughter) I said no, and he now hasn't spoken and won't speak since. He had previously agreed to pick daughter up from school today and this is not his usual day he now won't answer whether he is collecting her or not. This has happened before and he just doesn't show up for her so I really need to know.

He does this every few months and I genuinely feel like it drives me insane. I could cry and scream in frustration. He just will not respond to anything, no matter how polite I am, he will just not answer me. He seems to be nice for a few months and I think wow we are coparenting really well - but only when I do absolutely everything he wants and if I don't then he just does this.

I feel my heart rate rising every time this happens and have seen me having to go to his door to sort things out before as it just wouldn't be resolved any other way. Usually that seems to work going to his door but I just don't feel like going to his door this time and that doesn't help with the situation today where he is refusing to provide clarity on whether he is still picking daughter up or not.

Has anyone dealt with this? Or has any advice on how I should deal with it this time? I can't keep going through this but my frustration is so high.

I could never just ignore him if my daughter was with him, what if there was an emergency of some sort. It must be nice to just shut off to the world. Even if he would just text a 'no' then at least I know but I am now worried I will have to take afternoon off work and he will pick her up anyway or I don't take the afternoon off and he won't show up. This was arranged when in his nice mood.

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 26/05/2022 09:50

Since she’s 10 I’m assuming she knows her dad is picking her up?

If you had an argument yesterday I don’t understand why you’d contact him today? The plan is all agreed so stop messaging him. You don’t need to confirm, if he’s not picking her up the onus is on him.

If school etc contact, tell them her dad is collecting and confirm they’ve got his details. And then give them his DPs to inform that he’s not collected her from school.

He is obviously enjoying the drama, how many messages do you normally send? There’s appropriate co-parenting and then there’s messaging more than once/twice a week about an urgent child-centric issue.

Original poster
smoothoperatory · 26/05/2022 09:57

AnotherDelphinium · 26/05/2022 09:50

Since she’s 10 I’m assuming she knows her dad is picking her up?

If you had an argument yesterday I don’t understand why you’d contact him today? The plan is all agreed so stop messaging him. You don’t need to confirm, if he’s not picking her up the onus is on him.

If school etc contact, tell them her dad is collecting and confirm they’ve got his details. And then give them his DPs to inform that he’s not collected her from school.

He is obviously enjoying the drama, how many messages do you normally send? There’s appropriate co-parenting and then there’s messaging more than once/twice a week about an urgent child-centric issue.

I know, it was just because he ended the phone call saying, 'fuck off, I'm not doing you any favours then' and hung up and because him collecting daughter today was a favour to me I don't know if he now isn't collecting her you know?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 26/05/2022 10:03

I wouldn’t have messaged him to check either. School will ring you if he doesn’t show up. Look up grey rock and don’t communicate with him like this as it will I eventually make things worse

Ouchmytoe100 · 26/05/2022 10:09

Stop responding! No wonder he does this when he gets such a reaction.

Acheyknees · 26/05/2022 10:09

I agree with PP, he's agreed to pick his daughter up. You shouldn't have to keep checking he's doing it. DD is aware he should pick her up. If he doesn't s he looks a dick.

JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:14

I’d be interested to hear your ex’s side of this - I bet you’ve been very combative for a very long time and he’s using the ‘gray rock’ technique as is often advised to women on here

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 26/05/2022 10:14

Can you make a back up plan that doesn’t involve you having to take the afternoon off work? Could she go to a friend’s place for a few hours if her dad doesn’t show? Any other family close by who are free to help?

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 26/05/2022 10:17

Joseph, gray rock technique doesn’t mean zero communication, just minimal communication about important things only. Confirming whether or not you are collecting your shared child from school is important (especially after saying something in an argument that casts doubt on the previously agreed arrangement) and requires a one word or one sentence answer. ‘Yes, I’m collecting her’. Or ´No, I’m not collecting her.’

SarahProblem · 26/05/2022 10:17

OP it sounds like you're doing exactly what your Ex wants you to do. Worry/be anxious and tip toe around him.

Don't rely on him for anything beyond what you've agreed in terms of custody and if you don't have anything court ordered. Get it sorted legally.

Original poster
smoothoperatory · 26/05/2022 10:21

JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:14

I’d be interested to hear your ex’s side of this - I bet you’ve been very combative for a very long time and he’s using the ‘gray rock’ technique as is often advised to women on here

How do you just come to that conclusion Confused also this isn't grey rock, it is flat out ignoring.

OP posts:
Original poster
smoothoperatory · 26/05/2022 10:23

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 26/05/2022 10:17

Joseph, gray rock technique doesn’t mean zero communication, just minimal communication about important things only. Confirming whether or not you are collecting your shared child from school is important (especially after saying something in an argument that casts doubt on the previously agreed arrangement) and requires a one word or one sentence answer. ‘Yes, I’m collecting her’. Or ´No, I’m not collecting her.’

That's literally all I am asking for, a yes or a no. My last message last night was 'hello, can you please confirm you are still picking daughter up from school? I will be finished no later than 6.30 pm. Thanks'.

That was at 6 pm and just nothing since. Very frustrating.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 26/05/2022 10:23

JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:14

I’d be interested to hear your ex’s side of this - I bet you’ve been very combative for a very long time and he’s using the ‘gray rock’ technique as is often advised to women on here

He can't be very bright then if that's his interpretation of grey rock.

Icedlatteplease · 26/05/2022 10:26

What did he ask you to do?

Original poster
smoothoperatory · 26/05/2022 10:26

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 26/05/2022 10:14

Can you make a back up plan that doesn’t involve you having to take the afternoon off work? Could she go to a friend’s place for a few hours if her dad doesn’t show? Any other family close by who are free to help?

Yes, I could probably ask one of her friends from school mums but it's just a bit embarrassing having to say I'm not sure if her dads going to turn up for her. But I guess the most logical solution.

OP posts:
JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:34

This reply has been deleted

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Isaidnoalready · 26/05/2022 10:39

This reply has been deleted

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Umm no its asking a yes or no question are you still collecting your child 🤔

Twillow · 26/05/2022 10:40

JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:14

I’d be interested to hear your ex’s side of this - I bet you’ve been very combative for a very long time and he’s using the ‘gray rock’ technique as is often advised to women on here

Wow. That's a twist on reality.
"only when I do absolutely everything he wants and if I don't then he just does this."
I've been there. Standing up for yourself or saying no is not 'being combative'.

JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:42

“I can't bring up anything parenting wise as he thinks it's a personal insult to him, if I say for instance, I'm not letting daughter watch YouTube”

why would OP bring this up with her ex unless she was trying to tell him to the same? I wouldn’t appreciate my judgment being called into question

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 26/05/2022 10:43

He isn't your friend.. Stop asking for any sort of favour.. Even if it involves your dd. Keep to your previously agreed schedule regarding dd.

Isaidnoalready · 26/05/2022 10:43

So he wont respond, make alternative arrangements just in case for this time next time just ask someone else

Cut down the chit chat between you then there is no opportunity for him to twist it you don't need to tell him what happens in your house its your business likewise what happens in his house is his

Twillow · 26/05/2022 10:45

Absolutely make alternative plans - don't be worried about telling school parents, many will have been in a similar boat! And make them so that if he turns up, your daughter is not available. If he kicks off, grey rock reply - 'Alternative plans were made as you had not confirmed.'
Absolutely go grey rock with him. He's 100% trying to provoke a reaction, you turning up on his doorstep is the dream. Even if he's not trying to provoke you, it's childish and selfish behaviour that needs treating like you would a child's tantrum - ignore, distract.

Isaidnoalready · 26/05/2022 10:49

JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:42

“I can't bring up anything parenting wise as he thinks it's a personal insult to him, if I say for instance, I'm not letting daughter watch YouTube”

why would OP bring this up with her ex unless she was trying to tell him to the same? I wouldn’t appreciate my judgment being called into question

Perhaps trying to make conversation? Once upon a time I tried to get on with my ex I would say things like ds had a bit of a bad week so I've stopped him gaming yesterday or he had a good time at x place etc he complained a lot about me dragging the children out "all the time" hit the roof if I dared to "punish" "his child"

I stopped

Arbeity · 26/05/2022 10:49

JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:42

“I can't bring up anything parenting wise as he thinks it's a personal insult to him, if I say for instance, I'm not letting daughter watch YouTube”

why would OP bring this up with her ex unless she was trying to tell him to the same? I wouldn’t appreciate my judgment being called into question

Then you are way way too sensitive. This is a standard part of co-parenting.

MrMrsJones · 26/05/2022 10:51

Just stick to the agreed visit times
Don't ask for any favours
If he ignores you, dont rise to it
Punishment stay at your house, let him do what he wants
Only message in emergencies

You life will be less stressful 👌

JosephdeMaistre · 26/05/2022 10:52

“Then you are way way too sensitive. This is a standard part of co-parenting.”
If this was reversed most of the posters on here would be screaming that ex was ‘controlling’