Ex is stonewalling me - feel like I'm losing my mind.

[smoothoperatory]

My ex who I share a ten year old daughter with is completely refusing to speak with me. He does this whenever I don't do something he has asked/say something he doesn't like. I can't bring up anything parenting wise as he thinks it's a personal insult to him, if I say for instance, I'm not letting daughter watch YouTube just now due to her behaviour he will say, 'so you think I just let her sit and watch YouTube at my house?' and twist it like that.

Anyways yesterday we had a disagreement, he had asked me to do something for him (unrelated to daughter) I said no, and he now hasn't spoken and won't speak since. He had previously agreed to pick daughter up from school today and this is not his usual day he now won't answer whether he is collecting her or not. This has happened before and he just doesn't show up for her so I really need to know.

He does this every few months and I genuinely feel like it drives me insane. I could cry and scream in frustration. He just will not respond to anything, no matter how polite I am, he will just not answer me. He seems to be nice for a few months and I think wow we are coparenting really well - but only when I do absolutely everything he wants and if I don't then he just does this.

I feel my heart rate rising every time this happens and have seen me having to go to his door to sort things out before as it just wouldn't be resolved any other way. Usually that seems to work going to his door but I just don't feel like going to his door this time and that doesn't help with the situation today where he is refusing to provide clarity on whether he is still picking daughter up or not.

Has anyone dealt with this? Or has any advice on how I should deal with it this time? I can't keep going through this but my frustration is so high.

I could never just ignore him if my daughter was with him, what if there was an emergency of some sort. It must be nice to just shut off to the world. Even if he would just text a 'no' then at least I know but I am now worried I will have to take afternoon off work and he will pick her up anyway or I don't take the afternoon off and he won't show up. This was arranged when in his nice mood.

Why would any sane person respond to this with "so you think I let her sit around watching YouTube all day" as her ex did? OP said nothing of the sort and he twisted her words completely. Hes the combative one.

Were you married to my ex?

This is exactly the sort of thing he’d do.

You can’t understand what it’s like unless you’ve been with someone like this. Ignore some of the responses telling you that this is your fault in some way.

Hes deliberately using uncertainty and the fact you care about your daughter against you. He knows you’ll be worrying and he likes it. He’s using it as a weapon.

You do not sound combative at all, and he is not using grey rock. Ignore that.

Theres very little you can do except never ask anything of him and never do anything for him yourself.

Id speak to the school. Third parties hate to be involved, but people like your ex know that and use it to their advantage.

People saying “oh just assume he’s going as he agreed” don’t understand the sort of person you’re dealing with.

When parents co-parent together well then communicating about the any bad behavior and how you handled it can be very effective. A less sensitive person would interpret her telling her ex about behavior issues at her house as giving ex the option to try to co-parent in this way. Kids can’t play their separated parents off of each other if they back each other up on rules and consequences. Clearly in this case it’s not going to work and OP should probably give up informing her ex about what’s been happening at her house in the hope this kind of co-parenting will be possible.

So that they can parent their daughter with some kind of consistency?

My ex and I keep each other informed of whats happened on our parenting time so the other knows whats going on in their children's lives but also has all the info the other parent has in order to make decisions. If I told my ex that I stopped DS watching YouTube because he did XYZ, he might then decide to continue the punishment for a few days at his house or he might not but by telling him what I did and why lets him decide for himself. We are on v good terms though so that clearly would never work for OP's situation.

Tbh OP sounds like you really need to cut down on the communication with him.

Only contact him about essentials - which I agree that this school pick up is - but don't engage any further. For example, he doesn't need to know that your daughter is not allowed to watch YouTube at your house - chances are he's not going to carry on that punishment with her anyway so just stop giving him the chance to react.

You can't reason with people like this and he will never change.

You’re completely feeding into his behaviour. It’s manipulation pure and simple. People behave in particular ways to get certain reactions. You can control how you respond. PP above telling you that anyone advising you differently has never had to deal with someone like your ex is talking rubbish. Some people are just able to deal with these arseholes better than others.
OP, he’s LOVING you chasing him up. Personally, I’d go and collect my daughter myself. I’d never contact him again unless absolute medical life and death emergency and when he wants to see her I’d simply reply ‘yes’ or ‘no but she is available on x y z’ instead and not respond to anything else. Ever.

Did he collect her?