Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ok she doesn't like me...but how do I let this go?

43 replies

lennykenny · 26/05/2022 09:00

I really struggle with people pleasing, I am a complete people pleaser. It comes from my childhood - I'm in therapy for it.

I don't want to go into the full story but here's an outline. Been with Dh for 7 years. He has a son from a previous relationship. It's always been pretty clear that his ex has disliked me. I am always present, civil etc whenever I've had to see her. Always gone out of my way to help with childcare on her time when she's struggled. Shown nothing but love and affection towards my step son and have a close bond with him.

Last night, Dh received a text from his ex. She was not happy with something and I was blamed for it. She got this completely and utterly wrong and Dh replied to explain. It was made very obvious to her how she had jumped to conclusions when actually there was a very simple situation.

She replied with her views on me as a person and said 'I hope you share the same opinion as I do'

Now my Dh knows not to retaliate but in these circumstances he did and stuck up for me completely and made it clear she is not to bring me into any of her arguments as I have not done anything wrong in the past and have only ever tried to help and be supportive.

Today I feel so upset and angry. This will pass I know but how do I just let it go that someone has this awful opinion of me? Especially as I know I have never purposefully done anything to upset anyone. Like I say, im the opposite and will go to lengths to help other people.

I just need tips really on how to let it go? I will be talking about this in my next therapy session as I feel if I was a stronger person then it wouldn't upset me so much

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 26/05/2022 09:02

It's most likely anybody he is with would get the same treatment and it's not you.

Don't give this woman any more headspace. We can't all like everybody, it's just not realistic. Give your energy to the people who care for you, not the ones that don't.

LuaDipa · 26/05/2022 09:04

You can’t change it. Her opinion of you is likely based on the fact that you’re with her ex. It’s nothing to do with you personally. Just ignore.

If it was me I’d stop going out of my way to do any favours - obviously if dh wants to that’s fine - and tell her exactly why. But then I wouldn’t tolerate being taken for granted and badmouthed.

Comedycook · 26/05/2022 09:04

It's not you. I doubt there's a woman on this planet who her ex could be with that she would like. It's because you're with him...that's all.

Ps... I'm also a total people pleaser!

Ponoka7 · 26/05/2022 09:05

She doesn't have an awful opinion of you, she has an awful opinion of anyone who is with her ex. He needs to stop sharing her opinion with you.

Antarcticant · 26/05/2022 09:05

Did your husband leave his ex for you? Not judging, but it would be unrealistic to expect her to like you, however reasonable you are, if this is what happened.

FetchezLaVache · 26/05/2022 09:05

I don't see how that wouldn't upset you, to be quite honest - not because you thought she liked you and now realise she doesn't, but because of the injustice of the accusation and the crap about hoping DH shares her opinion of you. Of course he fucking doesn't, he's married to you and I am really pleased he stuck up for you.

I think you just have to accept that she's perhaps not a happy person and that her attitude to you is simply not personal. But don't go out of your way with childcare favours for her ever again.

Bonheurdupasse · 26/05/2022 09:06

OP

Recommend that you have a look on the Stepparenting board. You'll be completely eviscerated on MN in general for existing as a step mother, so the replies will just get you down.

Original poster
lennykenny · 26/05/2022 09:06

Antarcticant · 26/05/2022 09:05

Did your husband leave his ex for you? Not judging, but it would be unrealistic to expect her to like you, however reasonable you are, if this is what happened.

No absolutely not. They were separated for 18 months before he met me

OP posts:
rnsaslkih · 26/05/2022 09:07

You realise that it is her fault and her problem - not yours - and you go about your life as though she doesn’t exist.

Fjea · 26/05/2022 09:07

I think in these situations, it’s helpful to ask yourself - do you like her? Or more generally, are there people in your life who you don’t like/don’t get on with?

If you can accept that it’s not possible to like everyone you meet, then the flip side is that it’s not possible for everyone you meet to like you, and that’s ok.

TitInATrance · 26/05/2022 09:08

I agree, it’s not you. Maybe recognise that she’s a very flawed person who hasn’t the capacity to understand the worth of others, and her opinion is essentially meaningless.

Maybe she’s obsessively jealous and that’s colouring her views, but that is her problem - don’t make it yours.

Mrsjayy · 26/05/2022 09:12

You need to stop being so accommodating of her dont give her the heads pace she doesn't have to like you and you don't need to tie yourself in knots being "nice" you can get civil and pleasant obviously it really isn't the end of the world if someone doesn't like you and tbh it's probably more to do her and her ex husband dynamic than you.

Lunificent · 26/05/2022 09:13

I’m sure your therapist will help you through this. It’s a classic situation and the therapist will give you strategies to help you get past this.

orwellwasright · 26/05/2022 09:14

Antarcticant · 26/05/2022 09:05

Did your husband leave his ex for you? Not judging, but it would be unrealistic to expect her to like you, however reasonable you are, if this is what happened.

Yeah. Let's blame the OP because all second wives are bitches according to Mumsnet world.

Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2022 09:15

It’s not about you, it’s about her.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 26/05/2022 09:16

Don’t allow her to take up your valuable brain space and energy.

She doesn’t like you because you’re with her ex. That’s all there is to it.

Just give her as little thought as possible. Every time you think of her, say to yourself (silently!) “she is irrelevant to me” and re-direct your thoughts to something else.

And now you know how she feels about you, don’t go out of your way to help her with childcare etc.

Antarcticant · 26/05/2022 09:18

orwellwasright · 26/05/2022 09:14

Yeah. Let's blame the OP because all second wives are bitches according to Mumsnet world.

Show quote history

Eh? That's not remotely what I said. Confused

Original poster
lennykenny · 26/05/2022 09:19

Thanks all. I appreciate these responses so much.

This was only last night so my feelings are still a bit fragile but once this passes, I will keep all these things in mind.

I think it's just shocked me as I can't remember the last time someone said the actually really disliked me. I wasn't even referred to by my name, the ex referred to me as 'she'.

'She' spent the majority of my free time in the Easter holidays looking after my stepson in the Easter holidays after Dh had finished his allocated time because the ex struggled for childcare.

I work in a school so obviously I'm an easy target for childcare when it comes to school holidays.

I just don't understand how someone can dislike me so much yet happy to leave me looking after their child for days on end.

Just to add again - I love my step son, I have absolutely no issues looking after him.

Thank you all, I've had no sleep so I'm just rambling but it's definitely a lesson learnt for me. Maybe one that I need to try take positively.

OP posts:
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 26/05/2022 09:21

Stop trying. If you want to please her, you never will.

Do not help this woman in any way ever again. Be distant and steely polite to her.

You sound like an amazing person the way you cherish your dss.

This woman however is nothing but a cow,

Aprilx · 26/05/2022 09:22

orwellwasright · 26/05/2022 09:14

Yeah. Let's blame the OP because all second wives are bitches according to Mumsnet world.

Show quote history

it was a reasonable clarification that previous poster asked for. It does happen you know. Men do sometimes leave for OW.

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 26/05/2022 09:23

Retract your free child care. Let her sort her own arrangements.. It won't affect your relationship with dsc. You being a doormat won't change her attitude... Standing up to her will make you feel better though..

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 26/05/2022 09:24

Bonheurdupasse · 26/05/2022 09:06

OP

Recommend that you have a look on the Stepparenting board. You'll be completely eviscerated on MN in general for existing as a step mother, so the replies will just get you down.

You must feel very silly after reading the replies.

harriethoyle · 26/05/2022 09:26

OP I've had this with my Dsds mum. Apparently we were having an affair for 4 years before we officially got together (we weren't), we don't prioritise the children because DH cancelled a mid week contact (we were at my mum's death bed 🙄 and the kids were so understanding about it), DH should pay more maintenance because I'm a high earner (huh?!)... and like you I found this bile from someone I've done absolutely nothing to disconcerting and upsetting. My therapist said that a) you reframe as someone lashing out because they feel threatened b) don't let them take space rent free in your head c) recognise it's nothing personal but all about her insecurities. He also gave me some great mindfulness exercises which really helped. The great thing in this scenario is that your DH has your back so take comfort from that. A lot of DHs on here don't seem to!

Mally100 · 26/05/2022 09:27

The problem is that you are way too accommodating. You don't need to win her over. The problem is her but you are also contributing to it.

Triffid1 · 26/05/2022 09:27

While I do understand you're upset that she doesn't like your or even seem to tolerate you, in that situation I think the correct answer is to laugh out loud.....

.... on what planet would YOUR DH agree with her that you have all these negative personality traits? I mean come on, she's clearly delusional. If she was saying, "I hope you'll agree with me that YOU should be looking after our DS and not your wife" that would be understandable, but to character assassinate and then think you'd agree? I couldn't take someone who is that stupid seriously.