Ok she doesn't like me...but how do I let this go?

[lennykenny]

I really struggle with people pleasing, I am a complete people pleaser. It comes from my childhood - I'm in therapy for it.

I don't want to go into the full story but here's an outline. Been with Dh for 7 years. He has a son from a previous relationship. It's always been pretty clear that his ex has disliked me. I am always present, civil etc whenever I've had to see her. Always gone out of my way to help with childcare on her time when she's struggled. Shown nothing but love and affection towards my step son and have a close bond with him.

Last night, Dh received a text from his ex. She was not happy with something and I was blamed for it. She got this completely and utterly wrong and Dh replied to explain. It was made very obvious to her how she had jumped to conclusions when actually there was a very simple situation.

She replied with her views on me as a person and said 'I hope you share the same opinion as I do'

Now my Dh knows not to retaliate but in these circumstances he did and stuck up for me completely and made it clear she is not to bring me into any of her arguments as I have not done anything wrong in the past and have only ever tried to help and be supportive.

Today I feel so upset and angry. This will pass I know but how do I just let it go that someone has this awful opinion of me? Especially as I know I have never purposefully done anything to upset anyone. Like I say, im the opposite and will go to lengths to help other people.

I just need tips really on how to let it go? I will be talking about this in my next therapy session as I feel if I was a stronger person then it wouldn't upset me so much

Be civil, polite, thats it. Its not your job to get everyone to like you, esp a partners ex. Its not important whether she likes you or not, more important you like you and that you feel secure within yourself.

Thanks all.

Just to clarify, I won't be doing anything else for her. When it comes to childcare in school holidays, it's always arranged well in advance of when he is with Dh and when he's with her and it's always equal.

You can guarantee each time that she will always try send him a couple of days earlier and keep him with us couple of days later stating he otherwise has to go to holiday club and dss hates holiday club.

This obviously pulls on my heart strings so I just agree to look after him. Dh and my self have a dc together anyway so dss is just included in that.

It makes me sad for dss to be honest but I know I have to back off and remind myself that this doesn't mean I don't love dss. I just have to put myself first every once in a while and that's ok

Thank you so much, it's funny you should say that as I have actually just began a mindfulness course and I am just about to go to me next session! I couldn't be having it on a better day!

I'll take those tips on board, I know that I'm not the issue here.

It's just knowing how to let it go which I struggle with in day to day life at times.

Much appreciate your response, thank you.

You need to feel sorry for her. It must be really shit to be that person who is constantly looking for someone to blame for their own issues. I can imagine if this situation has not been her choice, she would find it difficult to deal with. Just give her a wide berth and hope she gets over herself soon.

Some people just can't stand their exes being with anyone else.

My partners "ex" (they were never really together but have a child together) barely sees their son and he lives with us and I treat him the same as my own children. Yet she tried demanding maintenance because, and I quote, "the dad always has to pay the mum". I've never been anything other than pleasant yet if I walk into a room she's in she physically turns away and won't even look at me! She's in her 30s ffs!

This sounds really hard and really unfair. Do you think there'd be any point in writing her a letter? Just saying a bit of what you've said above, you love her son and always try to help her out but feel like she dislikes you no matter what you do. That you'd like to have a better relationship with her and you don't feel you are being treated fairly which impacts all 4 of you, including her son...?

Like a gentle and kind letter but sort of explaining how her behaviour isn't really appropriate / adult... I've no idea really, but I hope things improve for you.

(I'm a people pleaser too. It's rubbish.)

I would separate how you feel about her from how you feel about your step son. Its hars but if he hates holiday club and likes being with you, then is it doing her a favour, or is it doing the best thing for your step son irrespective of what a twat his mum is?

It's normal to be upset though because it's so unjustified and also so illogical, if she has a massive issue with you why does she let you take sole care of her son?

If you wanted to sort it you could message her directly and say you realise she has an issue with her, you don't expect to be friends but could you meet and sort out differences for the sake of your step son as you don't feel comfortable looking after him solo when she clearly doesn't like you, trust you and says unkind things about you and blames you for things and you think it would be best to sort it all out before you look after him again. So not saying you wont have him but making clear if she crosses the boundaries again then you wont look after him. I'd be worried about accusations from her if he ever had an accident in your care

You are absolutely spot on. It's never ever an issue for me to have dss. I'm at home and I'll happily have him, he's family. And I'd rather that then he being somewhere that he doesn't like.

To me that itself speaks volumes - he enjoys being with me when his dads at work so clearly I'm doing no wrong as a step mum and it's sad that's just not enough.

I will consider contacting her when the dust has settled. Unfortunately I tried once before when she was actually quite cruel about my own son and I got absolutely no where. I do need to think about my own boundaries and the thought of contacting her right now is a bit too much but I'll see how I feel when it passes.

Also you are absolutely correct about something happening to dss in my care. This is the only part I don't enjoy! We go to the park but I'm always petrified of him hurting himself or something happening to him and what impact that could have on me. As well not wanting him to hurt himself in the first place obviously!

Like many others have said, I’m sure it wouldn’t matter if you were a complete saint- she would still struggle with who you are to both her ex AND her son. If I was to ever split up from my husband and he met someone else, I don’t think it would matter who the woman was, I would likely struggle that he’s moved on. Yes time helps with this but bottomline is she’s lost the father of her baby and the chance of happily ever after with her son’s dad. Furthermore, it must be difficult for both sides when there are children involved. I’d be happy if my children were loved and well looked after by someone else, but not if I felt they preferred the “bonus mum”. I’m a people pleaser too. Maybe she compares herself to you and finds herself very lacking? Maybe her son has made it abundantly clear he prefers you.

None of the above is your fault, your relationship with your stepson must not change. It sounds lovely. This woman should not have bad mouthed you, nor should you worry about her opinion. For the above mentioned reasons, she’s struggling with you. You could be anyone, it’s not a reflection on who you are. Try to be the bigger person if you can. Keep being who you are to her son, you’re doing it for him not her.

I wish you well.

I wouldn't tell her you know she doesn't like you, it will just piss her off more if she hasn't said it to your face. It is not going to make things better in any way IMO. If you're happy to have DSS rather than him go to holiday club then I think just continue. You'v not been doing anything wrong so you don't need to do or change anything - don't get dragged into anything with her as she probably will take whatever you say badly. Just don't put yourself out to do anything to help her, just do what works for you and DSS. See it as doing it for him, not her.

Oh and I wanted to add that I actually wouldn’t approach this woman to discuss things, she sounds like trouble. I’m a sensitive person and even if I left it for a bit, it would likely rile her up again and I’d leave feeling even worse about myself than I did before. Instead I’d ignore her completely, keep doing what I’m doing already and let my husband deal with her. If something were to happen to your stepson while in your care it would be no less of an accident than it would had it happened during school hours. Everyone would see this and take your side. No, maybe not her, but she’s not able to so don’t seek her satisfaction. Take care.

I completely get why this is upsetting. I do think your husband should be shielding you better than this though - take the call out of your hearing, shut down ridiculous accusations immediately, don’t tell you what she’s saying.

I know when my DSS was little at one point I just had to step back and say no, I can’t be party to these conversations where I’m deemed ‘good enough’ for childcare but not good enough for anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I/we still did favours and whatnot but I just made sure DH kept me away from the conversations as they were stressing me out completely.

Thank you, I am with you on the no contact I think. At the end of the day, it's nothing to do with me. I know my husband will always back me up if he needs too so it's probably best to stay silent. I actually blocked her number on my phone and although I hardly put anything on social media, I blocked her there too a few years ago.

Ultimately, I could write her the nicest letter in the world but it's not worth my anxiety waiting for the reply/reaction it may cause and most likely would do.

Same OP. I have always been a people's pleaser and wished I wasn't. Don't know why but as I have got older in age I have definitely become wiser to it. In the past I would literally go out of my way to help out people with child care, emergencies, favours, etc. I used to help out a lady at the school gate with taking her son to school and collecting him when my older DC was small. Never expected anything in return but I didn't expect to be ignored when I bumped into her in the street. Not once but everytime.😑
The way I look at it, try not to let your OH ex get to you. She doesn't really know you like a friend and it is her problem. Carry on being you but I can understand how it would sting. Very hurtful when people are judgmental. I have had it but had to grow a thick skin.

I would just say straight out that I am not doing additional free childcare for someone who treats me badly. Say that you love DSD and love spending time with him but you refuse to sit there and receive barrage after barrage of insults when you have done nothing to deserve them, and all you have ever done is try to help.

The other problem is that she still thinks her ex is on her side, and to a certain extent he must be colluding in that because otherwise she would never ask him to agree with something to your detriment. I would tell him that he needs to stop it immediately. He should be telling her that her comments and behaviour are completely unacceptable every single time. By sitting in silence or ignoring her comments he is telling her that he doesn’t disagree with her. You DH must make it clear that you are his priority, not her, and that your childcare is a favour, not a right. If she wants to take advantage of your good nature she should at least be civil to you. It needs to come from him. He needs to make it clear that you are the team, not her and him.

Agree with what lots of PPs have said: this isn't about you, it's about her and her bitterness. If your DH was with someone else, she would be like this with them too. She resents you because you and DH are happy together, basically. What you've got with him is what she didn't have with him, if that makes sense.

If she had more self-awareness she would see all this herself, understand that her feelings are destructive and unfair, and work through her issues without taking it out on you. But she doesn't have that self-awareness and she isn't very nice.

I'm really pleased that your DH is so supportive, and you obviously have a fab relationship with your DSS. You sound lovely, and your DH's ex doesn't deserve to occupy another second of your thoughts.

Over the years, Dh has just learnt to stay silent with everything. We used to spend Sunday evenings waiting for a text over something we had done wrong that displeased the ex. It could go from we had a quiet weekend and didn't do much (to her that's not acceptable) to sending him home in the wrong shoes. Dh used to reply but the responses he would get were along the lines of 'I'm the mother and I know best'

It just became even worse if he ever replied so he just learnt to ignore. He's actually got very good at letting it go over his head where as I'm the opposite and will let it bug me for days.