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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he a Narcissist or just a arsehole?

32 replies

cherylsammy · 26/05/2022 08:49

He tells lies,he gaslights me,says things then twists them to make me think he never said it or I'm imagining a situation.
Telling me how many women want him and constantly talking about how attractive he is.
Showing me pictures of the women he is talking too and sending me pictures of messages from them.
Sending pics of women in his house.
Twisting things to pretend to people I'm the "crazy" one ..when in reality my head is just so confused from his behaviour.
Deleting texts his sent to me to make it look like I'm having a conversation with himself.
Totally re writing history and making me look like the abusive one (by saying your behaviour has been terrible,you need to learn from your poor behaviour ,if your going to behave like a child I won't talk till you've calmed down)
Telling me I'm flying off the handle when I ask a simple question.
Then the final thing was saying I was a narcissist
Telling me he has dealt with narcissistic people all his life ..and I am one.

I've looked at narcissistic traits and I have none...he has the lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherylsammy · 26/05/2022 08:50

*conversation with myself

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/05/2022 08:51

Does it matter which he is? He’s best avoided. Who is this person to you?

Original poster
cherylsammy · 26/05/2022 08:53

He was someone I was dating (early stages 6 months ) not official

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/05/2022 09:01

You’ve split up now? I would block and not waste any more of your mental energy on him.

Wiglio · 26/05/2022 09:02

Get shot of him

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 26/05/2022 09:09

Why do you want to diagnose / categorise this person? Block them, ignore them, and move on.

orwellwasright · 26/05/2022 09:11

Sometimes you need to do a fair bit of processing after a bad relationship. It's easy to say 'block and move on' when actually you need to work through some things.

It's ok to still be thinking about him. It's not ok to still be in contact. At all.

10HailMarys · 26/05/2022 09:12

It doesn't actually matter whether he is a narcissist or not. What matters is that he's treating you like shit and you need to walk away NOW. Regardless of whether he has a personality disorder or not, his behaviour is still unacceptable. Absolutely get rid of him; he's abusive and cruel.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 26/05/2022 09:12

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 26/05/2022 09:09

Why do you want to diagnose / categorise this person? Block them, ignore them, and move on.

I think people feel a need to diagnose/categorise arseholes, because it helps them to see the behaviour from them isn't the norm. Arseholes are arseholes, diagnosis or not, but I get it.

Original poster
cherylsammy · 26/05/2022 09:12

It's been two weeks now and no contact.
It ended with him saying he had put up with my narcissistic tendencies too long and didn't want any more contact.
These past 4 months all I've done is apologise to him and not even knew what I did wrong.
Saying sorry when it wasn't even my fault.
I honestly don't think I'm a narcissist
I don't understand how he can think I am

OP posts:
velvetpeach · 26/05/2022 09:13

You've posted about him many, many times before and the answer is always the same: he's an obnoxious prat who enjoys playing with you and you keep letting him.

Why won't you just block him?!

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 26/05/2022 09:17

Thank god you have got rid of him but i would expect him to pop back up just to remind you what a bad bad person you are! He is abusive. He doesn't think you are a narcissist he knows he is and tries to deflect. If during your relationship if you struggled with your mental health.....he is the exact reason why. Under no circumstances should you let this fool back into your life. Well done for recognising and getting out.

orwellwasright · 26/05/2022 09:26

The worry is that he'll get a bit bored and keep reappearing to torment you again.

You need to put in place some ways to protect yourself and keep your resolve. He didn't make you happy. Try to remember that.

lanbro · 26/05/2022 09:31

He sounds exactly like someone I know. I wasn't involved with him, thank god,but watched him treat many women terribly whilst always playing the victim. I'm ashamed to say it took me too long to realise he was the problem, and when I did I cut him off completely, blocked everywhere, which is what I suggest you do. His name doesn't start with K does it?!

TibetanTerrah · 26/05/2022 09:35

A very overly simplistic indicator is that narcissists never self reflect about whether they are narcissists or not. The fact you are says you're not and you should take comfort in the fact that he's just an abusive arsehole who treated you badly, you're not crazy and now you're rid of him.

xsquared · 26/05/2022 09:44

Both.

It matters to the OP, while she is getting over the hurt and trying to understand the very confusing nature of this type of behaviour and how to spot it next time.

It's him, not you. Protect your mental health and never ever let this creature into your life again.

Original poster
cherylsammy · 26/05/2022 11:09

The thing that has stuck in my head is what I actually did to him that made him think I was a narcissist.
He is the one who has treated me bad ..so In his head how can he think it's me.
I don't get it.
I don't think I ever will either.
Does he believe this? Or is this his way of never taking any accountability for his actions?

OP posts:
xsquared · 26/05/2022 11:20

cherylsammy · 26/05/2022 11:09

The thing that has stuck in my head is what I actually did to him that made him think I was a narcissist.
He is the one who has treated me bad ..so In his head how can he think it's me.
I don't get it.
I don't think I ever will either.
Does he believe this? Or is this his way of never taking any accountability for his actions?

He will not change and you are wasting your time wondering why he keeps doing this because that is just how people like him operate. Don't try to get it because you will go round in circles.

You are spot on about him not taking accountability. They prefer to deflect blame when called out on shitty behaviour and then twist it to say you're the perpetrator.

Grieve over your relationship, the person you thought he was, get therapy or counselling to process this.

bloodyunicorns · 26/05/2022 11:22

It doesn't matter. What matters is that he was a dick. He behaved badly, he didn't make you happy. Get shot of him and move on, don't waste any more head space on him.

Cakecakecheese · 26/05/2022 11:33

You're giving him way too much headspace. Ignore him, he was calling you things to get in your head and it worked.

Block him on everything and maybe look into councelling to understand why his nonsense affects you so much and to help you move on.

jeaux90 · 26/05/2022 11:38

I was with a narcissist. Whatever he said to you imagine him holding a mirror up and saying it to himself.

They are hollow shells of beings, who try and find people that make them look good.

You've dodged a bullet, stop looking back, move on.

ScottChegg · 26/05/2022 12:11

Narcissists, and people with similarly disordered personalities, lack the ability to see people as whole people, with both good qualities and flaws. People are either all good, or all bad. This includes themselves.

This means that they are unable to admit to a single flaw because this would mean they are iredeemably worthless, so passing the buck, blaming and denying are the order of the day. They could do any number of bad things to you and would deny it all and pass all blame onto you for the slightest percieved wrong. The disordered personality tells them that they are the victim; they truly believe this.

The only thing to do is get away and stay away.

goodsturdygirl · 26/05/2022 12:17

Please be careful about how you talk about personality disorders. You wouldn't say is he Autistic or just an arsehole? (I hope) & doing the same for narcissism is still ableist. Can describe his actions and behaviour without the speculation.

Original poster
cherylsammy · 26/05/2022 12:20

There was one occasion when he was particularly horrible to me and we stopped speaking for a month and he returned saying he had been brutal
So he recognised it
My meaning saying narcissist or arsehole was narcissist -he can't help it as it is a personality disorder or arsehole -he can help it but doesn't care

OP posts:
goodsturdygirl · 26/05/2022 12:20

In fact 'is he abusive or just an arsehole?' would have been more appropriate & I would have answered - yes he is, please get away from him asap.