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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU after finding DH sending intimate messages

30 replies

Silverspark07 · 26/05/2022 06:14

I found out last night that my husband of 14 years has been sending intimate messages to a woman he met on an online game. When confronted he said he didn’t know why he done it that he doesn’t want to lose me and our son. I decided to try and forgive, after laying down the rules that he needs to block her and never speak to her again.
I didn’t sleep all night and if I did drop off I just dreamt about them. My heart is shredded into bits. This morning he asked me not to message the woman and I told him I needed closure. AIBU keep asking questions and not just “letting it go?”

OP posts:

LetHimHaveIt · 26/05/2022 06:20

As far as I'm concerned, I'm afraid being asked not to message her would be a red rag to a bull. Tell him to fuck off. Why does she have to be protected? He wasn't interested in protecting your feelings when he was presumably messaged her about her magic fanny. I chose not to message the partner of my bloke's AP - even though the temptation was huge - but I wasn't about to let her continue through life playing the victim, as she has always done.

Pandarinio · 26/05/2022 06:20

What would you message her?

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 26/05/2022 06:27

Wtf?! He wants her protected? Is that so he can continue the messaging because there can’t be any other reason.
To me he’s committed virtual adultery and there’s no going back. I wouldn’t be able to ever trust him again.

Original poster

Silverspark07 · 26/05/2022 06:34

I messaged her asking if she wanted to be with him and why she would send those types of messages when she knew he was married. She of course apologised but I have now told her to also block all contact with him. He will only get one chance. I won’t be taken for an idiot twice. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to lose 14 years that I thought were wonderful!

OP posts:

LetHimHaveIt · 26/05/2022 06:42

You shouldn't be telling her that; you should be trusting him to. It should've been his first action after begging your forgiveness. As it is, his mind was on her. Either to protect her or to ensure she doesn't tell you too much. I'd be very wary, OP. For all sorts of reasons - mostly because she was my friend - I was livid with the woman in my case, but I was much, much angrier with my partner. Are you?

Corty02 · 26/05/2022 06:44

What did she reply? I am not sure about positive effect of messaging to husband's friends...

Original poster

Silverspark07 · 26/05/2022 06:55

I am heartbroken more than angry right now not sure if that will come later. She is unknown to me and lives the opposite end of the country. I know that since having children my high sex drive has depleted to almost nothing while his is still high but he has always told me that wasn’t important, now I understand it clearly is.
She said she had no excuses for the way she behaved and that she was very sorry and that she would without question not contact him again.

OP posts:

MarmaladeLime · 26/05/2022 06:58

It's him you should be most angry at. Id leave her out of it tbh

Shoxfordian · 26/05/2022 06:59

I don’t know how you can trust him again after this when he’s online gaming

pepperpie · 26/05/2022 07:07

Why are you getting so angry with this other woman who you will never meet over getting angry at your arsehole husband who you see every day?

Ask to see his phone to check all other apps and emails for messages. Hesitation is an instant red flag.

Original poster

Silverspark07 · 26/05/2022 07:18

Am i not entitled to be upset with both? I know in my heart if someone i knew was married messaged me those things I would shut that down immediately. I suppose I just want to know why for my own closure. I’m sure the anger with him will come I’m still processing the shock right now.

OP posts:

MarmaladeLime · 26/05/2022 07:19

Of course you can but he is the one who made the vows and broke them.

Inthesameboatatmo · 26/05/2022 07:22

It would be a deal breaker for me op. The trust is gone and you will unlikely get it back. This will make you insecure in your marriage for the rest of the time your married to him. It will eat away at you it's insidious. You are reeling from shock at the moment take time to process it all and don't make a decision to stay just yet.

pepperpie · 26/05/2022 07:24

I very much doubt your husband introduced himself to her with “Hi my name is Brian and I’ve been married for 14 years.”

He also knew he was married. Why did he keep messaging?

girlmom21 · 26/05/2022 07:27

His excuse isn't good enough.

PurassicJark · 26/05/2022 07:32

Silverspark07 · 26/05/2022 07:18

I think you are. I don't believe that the AP should just be ignored and not have any guilt in what they helped do. Of course your partner is the worst one, he cheated on you, but without her assistance in it, it wouldn't have happened. And she knew he was married too so why do that? Why can she not find a single man?

He is still where most of your anger should be, but can understand why you'd want to message her.

ILoveMyLifeToday · 26/05/2022 07:35

It's all on him she has no loyalty to you. It was good of her to respond though.

ILoveMyLifeToday · 26/05/2022 07:38

Are you sure she knew he was married? If she did guaranteed he had done the whole.... we aren't really together / only together for the child / live separated lives / do not have sex / it's more a convenient arrangement when the child is young / I don't love her.

ladydimitrescu · 26/05/2022 07:41

To be honest I think she should be left out of it - she doesn't owe you anything at all. You don't know how much he's told her, for all you know he's told her he's miserable and leaving you. Your anger should be directed at your husband.

Kiki105 · 26/05/2022 07:47

AIBU? No!!!!!!! Not acceptable behaviour from your husband. I'd have serious trust issues if I discovered my partner sending such messages to some random woman. Only you can decide where to go with this but be cautious.

CharSiu · 26/05/2022 08:54

I game online, it’s another life for some.

The real issue is your husband. Online gaming friendships can be very intense, including platonic friendships between any combination of sexes. It’s an escape from real life plus depending on the person an obsession with the game.

I think due to his behaviour and dependant on if you want to go forward and it sounds like you do is he willing to forgo online gaming completely? What’s his set up? If he has a console or PC set up that’s easy for him t9 show you he has stopped but if he mobile games that’s harder.

40andlols · 26/05/2022 09:14

Sorry this has happened to you.

It's natural to focus on her, but you can't police other women and put the onus on her to block/not message etc. etc. She won't be anything special and he'll just move on to someone else. What will you do? call every woman on the planet?

He's the problem. What's he said/done to put this right and can you trust him again do you think?

Hiddenvoice · 26/05/2022 09:25

I feel like I could have written your post. I’ve been in the exact same position and I too messaged the ow. Hard to explain to people why I did it but just felt like j needed to. I guess in my mind I wanted to know if she was aware he was married and when she admitted she did. I wanted her to know how she has made me feel. As much as he was the guilty person for betraying me, she also had her own choices and was happy to carry on with a married man.
I always said if my dh did something like that then we would be over, but when it’s actually a reality then it’s far more difficult than just walking away.
I made sure they stopped all contact. He knew from the moment I found out, how much he hurt me. We worked on our marriage and now years later we are back on track. I know some people will say I’m stupid but we are actually stronger now. For a while, I felt lost, hurt and embarrassed. I didn’t talk to anyone about it. My anxiety went through the roof. Once I opened up to a close friend, I was able to understand things properly and get myself and our marriage some help. We spoke through why he did it. I kept blaming myself, that there was something I wasn’t giving him that made him look elsewhere but in reality it was all on him.
Take time to feel your hurt, he owes your explanations but none of this is your fault! Maybe ask him to stay somewhere else for a few days or sleep in another room so you can have some space to think about what you want and it will also let him see that you are not going to sit back and let him carry on with other people.

Madamecastafiore · 26/05/2022 09:38

I could have written the exact same post as HiddenVoice, we are a bit further off being stronger than we once were, before the big reveal!!

I also text her. I wanted to kill her to be completely honest. And yes you think you'd immediately pack their bags and they'd be out but throw kids in and years of marriage and it's not that easy.

Be gentle on yourself. Allow yourself to be angry or sad too. X

Original poster

Silverspark07 · 26/05/2022 10:07

@Hiddenvoice @Madamecastafiore I feel easier knowing you understand why I had to message her and even though I don’t know any of you I needed some support and to hear how others have come through it. I spoke to my best friend this morning and she has helped me to see a few things also. It’s also reassuring to hear that there can be light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I’m prepared for dark days ahead and a long healing process

OP posts:

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