I've NC for this. I've had to close relatives die within weeks of each other - in their 50s

[poppycatty]

Both were heavy drinkers and this was involved. Someone at work said they were sorry but if a person can't stop drinking or taking drugs or whatever know what they are doing and it isn't as tragic as someone dying of cancer. I on the other hand think there but for the grace of God go any one of us. Who knows what's round the corner. I have had periods of severe anxiety and although I didn't turn to alcohol I did think about suicide. What's your thoughts?

As someone with alcoholics in the family I think your colleague is a twat.

no one chooses to have their life controlled by alcohol or drugs.

I'll admit that when a heroin using Dad died a week after my DH died of cancer, I didn't feel that they were equivalent. My DH would never have left his children if he had a choice. The loss for the children wasn't the same.
However how far do we judge? Most cancers are lifestyle related.
My GF, in his late 50's, chose to carry on his lifestyle that was killing him, but he was losing his sight, so I can understand why.

Insensitive colleague. My uncle is a recovered alcoholic and he will tell you himself how difficult it is to change. He lost his family and that didn't stop him drinking. Now he has recovered he works for a charity to help the homeless in his area, where they are mostly alcoholics.
It's not easy, addiction is real.

"no one chooses to have their life controlled by alcohol or drugs."

But many stop, when it suits them. We can't chose to stop other terminal illnesses. I say that with Heroin and alcoholics in the family.

Health wise, your 50s are like sniper alley.

There are many cancers that aren’t lifestyle related too.

Insensitive colleague. It's ridiculous to look at someone's addiction and think it's always a simple choice, or they can "stop when it suits them" (one of the most ignorant things I've read today and that's saying something). A person is not simply their addiction, and there's always an element of luck involved with deaths from addiction anyway - some people die from their addictions, some don't, some die never having been addicted to anything at all. You are free to feel how you want to feel, devastated or not. You don't have to assign a 'value' to someone's death and you certainly don't have to declare that someone's death is not as tragic as someone else's.

The loss for the children wasn't the same.

What do you mean? That the children left behind didn’t grieve as much, or miss their father as much?

Twat of a colleague. What an utterly stupid and mean thing to say.

Addiction is a disease, it's not like an addict can just stop.

I'm sorry for your losses OP

When my dad died at 50 from cancer a colleague at the time said to me it was his own fault because he smoked and I should have known he'd die (3 weeks after his diagnosis of leukaemia!). I was not polite in response, in hindsight I wish I'd just punched the knob.

But you do choose to try heroin in the first place. Its pretty rare for it to be forced on people and its not as if the dangers are not well known.

Sorry for your loss, op, and your colleague’s insensitive comments.

A lot of people have a blinkered view regarding addiction: it’s seen as weakness and decadence when, in reality, it’s a physiological and neurological dependence on a substance. Treatment options for a lot of people are limited because of lack of funding and a lack of scientific knowledge about addiction and physiology. Those who try groups like AA are more likely to relapse, some are successful but a lot report that it’s incredibly hard to stay clean via will power and social support.

Perhaps your colleague just didn't word it very well. People with addictions CAN do something about it. Many people successfully beat alcohol/drug issues. I'm not saying it's easy but it can be beaten, whereas someone with cancer can only have treatment and pray for a good outcome.
Maybe that's what the colleague was trying to get across

Me too. I agree with the colleague, though.

This.

These two would never haven chosen that route in life. Drinking was their escape but they were still managing to function, look after kids etc., however, they both died very suddenly one definitely due to alcohol abuse, the other we don't know about but presumably alcohol related - tragic for a family who loved them.

I’m torn on this as both my parents are alcoholics and we’re estranged. I’ve had to have years of therapy to become a functioning human being and not perpetuate a cycle. I have sympathy for them as addiction isn’t a choice but I also judge the fuck out of parents who are addicts (especially when they don’t seek help). It’s weird and complicated.

If anything I think it’s hard for the kids whose parents die of addictions because of the perceived absence of misfortune. It presents a real anger (because the parent could have avoided the death) as opposed to a grief-anger which isn’t rational (where the parent couldn’t have done anything about it).

I think when a life is lost, a life is lost. It’s always sad for the people left behind.

I have lost relatives to alcoholism and it didn’t make it any easier to say ‘well they should’ve stopped drinking then’. If anything, it added another layer of sadness and regret.

It’s not something I would say to someone who had suffered a loss but your colleague is correct.
Alcoholics and drug addicts choose to do those things. I’m sure it’s hard to stop once you are addicted but it’s not comparable to a terminal disease which you have no control over at all.

But I also agree with rainbowmilk that as a loved one it must almost be harder because that person chose to continue what they were doing knowing it might lead to their death.

I lost both my parents to alcohol related illnesses. 5 years apart one was late 50s one early 60s.
With one I found it hard to be sad as it was very self inflicted. They very much chose to drink all day every day, didnt work (by choice) and shunned any offers of help.... Had a mean personality which I suspect was a sign of some undiagnosed mental health issues. I'm sad they never found peace in life and I guess I feel like hopefully they found peace in death.
The other was more a functioning alcoholic. Worked hard, played hard. Lovely personality, everybody's friend, would help anyone without a second thought. That was the harder loss to take and I grieved badly..
No real point to my rambling except that every experience is different, you have to grieve in your own way, it's nobody else's place to tell you how you should feel.

I think that's just too easy. To remove all blame from alcoholics and drug addicts, as if there is nothing at all they can do about it....I don't buy it.

My dad was an alcoholic, and used drugs. It killed hi, He made choices though, very bad ones, for decades. I am never going to buy the "its a disease, he can't help it". People help it all the time, they make the choice to stop, to get help, to get clean, to do better. Or they choose not to.

Actually, you could argue that a death from drug or alcohol abuse is likely to be far more "tragic" than other diseases, because it stems from a fatal flaw in the deceased. But this isn't Top Trumps and there's no pecking order as to which type of deaths are more sad etc, so the colleague was being crass, to say the least.

The life of a true alcoholic is wretched and tragic. It's as far from excessive drinking as depression is from mild unhappiness. And it can usually be traced back to some kind of trauma or tragedy. Many heroin addicts, for example, were victims of sexual abuse. Heroin blocks out pain. It puts a soft, warm cushion between you and the things you cannot bear. God knows how many young people, raped in orphanages by creatures like Jimmy Saville, ended their lives slumped in a shop doorway with a needle in their arm. Plenty of alcoholics never got over their divorce, or the death of a loved one. Or they began by using alcohol to treat their depression, anxiety, OCD, low self-esteem, etc

There is a big difference between addiction and over-indulgence. Addiction really is an illness. It grabs hold of someone and won't let go. A big clue is that the addict often hates their life. They hate their hellish prsion and wish they could escape. A hedonist, on the other hand, enjoys himself.

I know it's a side issue but it's simply not factual to state that most cancers are lifestyle related.

It's just not that split down the middle. Not every addict are poor traumatised victims. Plenty of addicts were assholes before they were addicts and would still be assholes if they stopped.
Apologism for all addicts is not helpful or caring. It's bullshit.