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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nursery guilt

37 replies

pumpalump · 25/05/2022 10:21

Can someone help me deal with this please.. I'm sure there will be someone who'll have something helpful to say..

I have a one month old and a two and a half year old.

My two and a half year old started nursery at the beginning of the year and had a hard time settling. Eventually he was OK. Then had a few weeks off and now is struggling again at drop off.

I feel so incredibly guilty for sending him to nursery. But on days he's home, I find it so difficult to look after both children. I feel like I am failing him and sending him away. He's also been sick ( like they all are ) so many times, so I actually feel like I am sending him away and being careless about the fact he will probably get sick. Almost like I am being negligent.

Every day is the same. Just when I sit down to have a small rest while the baby is sleeping, I feel so guilty about my boy at nursery. I just can't shake the feeling I'm not doing a good job with him and neglecting him because I need to look after the baby.

I just can't shake the guilt towards my first born. Did anyone else feel this way ? Does it get better ?

I try to play with him etc while baby sleeps as much as possible etc. The nursery staff say he's really happy after a few minutes, but it breaks my heart every day. And generally my heart breaks every time he wants my attention and I can't give it to him the way I used to.

OP posts:

Ducksinthebath · 25/05/2022 10:53

Nursery will be such a positive environment for him. There are probably more toys, more little playmates and a wider range of activities than you could ever provide at home, even without the newborn. Nursery is also so fantastic for development and getting little ones ready for school and beyond. You're giving him a huge benefit by sending him there.

parietal · 25/05/2022 10:55

nursery is great for kids. your child will be just fine.

moita · 25/05/2022 10:56

Does he need to go? Can you get out to toddler groups or the library?

Mine didn't start pre school until he was 3 but we were out and about all the time. I have 16 months between my two.

Topgub · 25/05/2022 11:02

Why do you feel guilty?

Dotdotdot19 · 25/05/2022 11:04

I get it OP. My little girl struggled for ages to settle properly and some days I would come home/go to work crying with the guilt. But it is such a positive place for them and she has come on leaps and bounds there with skills that I don't have the ability or resources to teach her.

Also I popped in for a meeting one day at drop off time and despite me thinking the staff were just trying to reassure me when they said she settled quickly they were absolutely right. She was giggling and playing happily despite screaming like a banshee at the door. I know she would much rather stay with me all the time and I feel she could pick up when I wavered about sending her in!

Sanch1 · 25/05/2022 11:56

I sent DD1 to nursery 3 days a week when I was on mat leave with DD2. She had a good time with her buddies, enjoyed all the arts and crafts I didnt want to do, and became a well rounded little girl who wasnt clingy and was happy being around other people. Your DS will be fine at nursery. My DD2 clinged to my leg every day the whole time she was at nursery but was fine by the time I was out the door.

HSKAT · 25/05/2022 12:20

He may be struggling to get back into it with him being off for afew weeks.
He'll have a great time there and it's going to do you both good.
Do nursery say he settles fine?

I understand the guilt but maybe because he's struggling to get back into atm it's making you feel guilty.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 12:21

How many days/hours is he there?

HousePlantNeglect · 25/05/2022 12:27

I had my 3 year old at home during the pandemic when his baby brother was born because he lost his childcare place. He only went two days a week.

I honestly wish he’d been able to go. He was at home with me while I was struggling with a newborn who was difficult to feed and I was too exhausted to entertain him in the way I wanted to. Had he been at childcare those couple of days I would have been a better Mum for having a rest and he’d have had more entertainment.

beechhues · 25/05/2022 12:31

I don't think you should feel guilty - catching bugs at nursery/through socialising is an important part of immune development and some time away from you and the new baby is ideal. Given the pandemic, I'm not surprised kids are struggling to settle, it's been two years of being cared for mostly at home with little interaction.

You're doing the best thing for all of you.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 25/05/2022 12:37

I am a SAHM and Ds1 was in nursery one day a week. I had previously worked so he was used to going 3 days but when he was around 18 months I gave up work but kept him in for one day in a different nursery due to moving house. He went 2 days a week when Ds2 was born, there is a 3 year gap between them. Then he started preschool nursery and went 5 mornings a week.

Nursery is a very positive place for them to be. I did loads with the children at home but it is good for them to be around other children with toys that don't belong to any of the children, to take instruction and discipline from other adults and play together, eat together etc.

I think keep him going in the routine of nursery to enable you to get a break at home. I lived miles from my family and relocated areas so never had any help raising 2 children except for Dh who was amazing but he was working every day.

SleeplessInEngland · 25/05/2022 12:45

If he settled in before he will again.

Bunnycat101 · 25/05/2022 21:02

In all honesty it’s rubbish for toddlers being stuck with a newborn- nursery will be much more fun. Don’t feel guilty - you’re not neglecting him- you’re allowing him to socialise with his peers and give your baby some of the 1:1 time the eldest got.

waterrat · 25/05/2022 21:06

Oh op..I really understand thr guilt. When mu youngest was born I kept my son ..then 2 years old...with his childminder 2 or 3 days a week. I remember bawling my eyes out with guilt...partly because I was also quite bored when just with the baby so I felt I could have had him too

But honestly honestly he was better off ! It's really fantastic for a lively toddler to be with nursery staff who have slept! Surrounded by children and playing all day.

You would not be giving optimal care if you had him all week long.

Tbh I just felt better once I went back to work part time and they were both in childcare!

Give yourself a few kind words instead of a hard time. Having a baby and toddler was the most insanely exhausted time of my life.

waterrat · 25/05/2022 21:07

Your tired brain is guiltily you out. Enjoy the quieter days with the baby knowing your toddler is having fun.

Somethingsnappy · 25/05/2022 21:09

The guilt is the hormones speaking OP! They will settle down soon, I promise. I felt guilty just having another baby each time (I have 4 kids), like I was betraying the youngest that they weren't 'my baby' anymore! It honestly felt like a betrayal, like I was being unfaithful. The guilt was almost unbearable. But the hormones, and the guilt settle down. If your son weren't at nursery, you'd be feeling guilty about something else. It'll be OK x

MissyB1 · 25/05/2022 21:10

How many days (and hours per day) is he there?
Eg 3 half days - great, probably a positive thing for him.
All day every day - not great.

lalaley · 25/05/2022 21:14

Oh OP I really understand you It is very hard at this stage. My advice would be to be very kind to yourself and patient with all of you. Your little baby was only born one month ago- these things just take a little time to adjust. I PROMISE you in a few months' time it will all feel much happier and lighter. I remember feeling this way but I really shouldn't have, as it's so great for the older ones to start to have a bit of a life of their own and their little friends at nursery. I think for me I felt a bit like you do because the mum instinct is so strong after giving birth, it made it feel more as though I was meant to be with my eldest too 24/7. But that's not the case- it's actually great for him to gain that bit of independence at this age and to play with others at nursery. Him being briefly upset at drop off just shows he has a healthy and strong attachment to you xxx

Darbs76 · 25/05/2022 21:17

we all feel it. I had so many mornings dropping off crying children and it didn’t feel nice. I didn’t have much choice as I had work but agree that it’s good developmentally for him and either way he will catch most of these bugs eventually

Mysisterlivesinbicester · 25/05/2022 21:23

OP, if nursery is your decision, you have to try to ditch the guilt and view it as a positive thing.

Your DS presumably doesn't need to go to nursery if you're at home with a very small baby. You could have him at home - but you have chosen not to. For that reason alone, you need to chuck your guilt in the fuck-it bucket. You can't send a child to nursery when he doesn't need to be there, and then feel guilty. Either you think it's a positive thing for him (which is, I hope, the case if you're sending him), or you don't (in which case, don't send him).

Are you sending him to nursery partly because you find it difficult looking after them both at home? If so, I can tell you that - bizarrely - the more you do it, the easier it is. If you are at home with small children all the time, you soon find ways to cope with them. I think it's far harder when you're not with them all day, every day. It's a long time since my children were little, but I took them to toddler groups, playgroup, the library, park, soft play, local shops etc, etc when they were that age. The thing that made a big difference to me was being around other adults for part of the day - there was always someone at playgroup whose children were being even more revolting than mine. You can make great friendships that way.

Qwill · 25/05/2022 21:26

Maybe try and reframe your thinking? You got to spend precious time with your first as a newborn - just the two of you. Now, you get to do that with your second whilst your first has great fun playing, making friends, doing lots of activities that you may not realistically be able to do with a newborn in tow. They they can get to come home to a better rested mum and sibling. Mum guilt is awful, and I think we’ve all felt it. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, you’ve done a brilliant job so far.

butterflyrabbit · 25/05/2022 21:30

I felt the same OP, and my firstborn also got ill all the time for the first year or so - BUT she's hardly been ill at all since - she's halfway through primary school - so I reckon it bullet-proofed her immune system!

2.5 is a good age to start. DC1 started age 1 and I never quite shook the guilt until she was about 3 (she made loads of friends and would go in quite happily). DC2 started at 2.5 and she is different - enjoys it while she's there but doesn't ever want to go.

Charmanderzard · 25/05/2022 21:34

I don't blame you for sending him. I did the same in your shoes. Purely from the perspective of having been there and done that, I don't think the start of the year was a good time to start him TBH. It was close enough with you being pregnant and the new baby for him to connect the two things. Resulting in him being pushed out.

Our eldest had been at the childminder since six months old so I kept in there full time for about six weeks after youngest was born. Then he went for one day a week. We get funding from 2YO here so he then went for mornings in the September. So I did it myself. But in a setting he was already familiar with.

I had a two year age gap and I actually agree with the other poster, it is actually easier with them both at home. Get Paw Patrol on demand and snuggle up with eldest on the sofa while you feed the youngest. Get youngest napping in their room and go and play with the eldest. Most of my attention went on the eldest when i was on my second mat leave and poor youngest was just kind of plonked in the carry cot or bouncer to watch. You can't give both of them your undivided attention anymore and it's better that your eldest learns this quickly.

Charmanderzard · 25/05/2022 21:34

**feeling pushed out not being pushed out!

SnackSizeRaisin · 25/05/2022 21:36

I think the guilt is normal. But everyone I know kept their 2 year old in nursery 2 days a week when they were off on maternity with the second child.

You do what you need to cope, and it's hard with two little ones at home especially when you're breastfeeding all day long . I do think that as someone said, it's easier to manage two when you do it every day. I always find the day after a nursery day the hardest.

Mine didn't mind nursery but if she had disliked it I might have taken her out. Many people will say their child loves nursery but I don't believe any 2 years olds actually prefer nursery to spending time with mum. I do think it starts to become beneficial for them at around 2.5, they start to have their own friends etc. I would try not to let him miss any sessions unless ill, keep the routine going.

Don't worry about illness, unless you are going to stay home all the time they will pick things up at soft play and toddler groups anyway.

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