Nursery guilt

[pumpalump]

Can someone help me deal with this please.. I'm sure there will be someone who'll have something helpful to say..

I have a one month old and a two and a half year old.

My two and a half year old started nursery at the beginning of the year and had a hard time settling. Eventually he was OK. Then had a few weeks off and now is struggling again at drop off.

I feel so incredibly guilty for sending him to nursery. But on days he's home, I find it so difficult to look after both children. I feel like I am failing him and sending him away. He's also been sick ( like they all are ) so many times, so I actually feel like I am sending him away and being careless about the fact he will probably get sick. Almost like I am being negligent.

Every day is the same. Just when I sit down to have a small rest while the baby is sleeping, I feel so guilty about my boy at nursery. I just can't shake the feeling I'm not doing a good job with him and neglecting him because I need to look after the baby.

I just can't shake the guilt towards my first born. Did anyone else feel this way ? Does it get better ?

I try to play with him etc while baby sleeps as much as possible etc. The nursery staff say he's really happy after a few minutes, but it breaks my heart every day. And generally my heart breaks every time he wants my attention and I can't give it to him the way I used to.

Our eldest started nursery at three months old, our youngest at six months. Both have had weepy moments when going, but it’s been brilliant for both of them, and I’d not do anything different if we did it over again.

I get it. I felt terrible guilt about sending my eldest to nursery when my youngest was born and I was on mat leave. It’s one thing sending them because you have to in order to work but it’s another sending them when you feel you don’t ‘need’ to.

But then my SIL, who was a SAHM, had a second baby and her oldest didn’t go to nursery (there was no space at any of their local nurseries). And the effect on her oldest was really sad to see - he went from having a really attentive mum who was down on the floor playing with him for hours and hours a day to having a mum who was spending hours feeding a newborn and couldn’t play with him in the way he was used to. He become withdrawn, clingy, anxious and miserable. And absolutely hated his new baby sister.

I realised then that I’d done my eldest a favour by keeping him in nursery even though I felt so guilty about it at the time.

Yeah so I started sending him because I was working. I had a nanny from when I went back to work ( when he was 8 months ) and then sent him to nursery when he was 2. So I've kept it the same.

Are you sending him to nursery partly because you find it difficult looking after them both at home? If so, I can tell you that - bizarrely - the more you do it, the easier it is. If you are at home with small children all the time, you soon find ways to cope with them. I think it's far harder when you're not with them all day, every day. It's a long time since my children were little, but I took them to toddler groups, playgroup, the library, park, soft play, local shops etc, etc when they were that age. The thing that made a big difference to me was being around other adults for part of the day - there was always someone at playgroup whose children were being even more revolting than mine. You can make great friendships that way.

This resonates with me. Newborn is only 4 weeks old. So I've only had a few days alone with both of them and found it extremely difficult. All those things you mention, library, groups etc, I can't imagine having the energy to do those at the moment. I can barely get myself out of the house for the nursery run. But yes, I bet if and when I find that energy, it would change things so much. Having adult company whilst being with children makes it so much easier. I'm just finding it so hard to get out. I had the same problem with my first born, but then the pandemic hit, so I didn't get the choice to even go out. I just find everything so tiring at the moment.

In an ideal world, I would probably send him to nursery 3 days ( he's going 5 days at the moment - I haven't changed his hours yet, but he's only been back 2 weeks, since I had the baby ). He was at home for a good month with us, off nursery, but I had my mum staying with me, so it was completely different.

He seems so happy once there ! But lately I just don't feel like I have much quality time with him. I either need to feed the baby or Tidy and cook etc. everything is tiring right now.

What makes you feel guilty op? I don't think you should, he's 2 so at a good age to start socializing with other children and he is probably having alot of fun as well. I put my ds into nursery at 18m, 5 days a week for 5 hours a day - and a sahm! I didn't feel guilty. There was only so much I could do with ds, and he Was a very highly attached baby. I did it for my sanity. He would be there from 7.30-12.30 and we still had the entire day to ourselves, but those 5 hours really helped me cope. Your ds will be absolutely fine. Our nursery didn't allow pt / fewer days a week as it was so unsettling for the kids. Your ds is still settling in after having a few breaks. Give it some time, he will be ok.

Your baby is only four weeks- it’s hardly surprising you’re exhausted! I wouldn’t have contemplated looking after them both solo at that stage - I was still healing from giving birth for a start.

Give it another couple of months - perhaps to the end of the ‘fourth trimester’ then re-evaluate and consider dropping his hours. I found it so much easier with two from when my youngest was about three months.

OP, this is classic second child guilt. I had it with my DC1 when my younger DC was born, she was only 18 months so it felt really awful but I desperately needed the break. Your son will be fine, the guilt will ease and you need to rest too.

I think it's hit me so hard !

I'm the second born and never had to deal with a younger sibling. But my brother really struggled. It's still a thing to this day. He's not over it. Maybe that's why the guilt is even worse for me. I've felt guilt for having taken my brother's shine my whole life. My parents did not manage it well..

In any case, I am really really really trying to manage it well. But the tantrums and clinginess have definitely got worse since number 2 has come along... which makes me feel so terrible.

I say this nicely, if you feel that guilty just dont send him if you're home, or pick him up early or whatever suits. The more you're with them both the easier is is to juggle them. You'll get there eventually!

Five days a week? And he’s struggling? I’m not surprised, sounds like it’s too much for him. I’m sure you could cope with him at home for a couple of days.

One of the secrets of maternity leave is that it is hugely much easier for two parents to care for four dc and it is for two seperate parents to care for two each. Get along to a toddler group with both dc to make friends if you can.

Nursery is a perfectly caring environment for your dc, but I admit I'm surprised he is going fulltime. Is there more of a balance you can strike?

It is easier to manage two dc if you have a good sling for the baby.

Well he was going 5 days a week, before the baby came along. Since the baby has come, he's not actually been 5 days a week yet. He's only been back two weeks and both weeks, I only sent him 3 days maximum for now.

But 5 days was/ is his usual. Not that he did many full weeks, as he was always sick for some of the week and at home anyway. So no, he's not been going 5 days since the baby, but is still struggling anyway.

OP, one thing to bear in mind is that millions of SAHMs have managed more than one baby/toddler at a time for God knows how long. Nursery is a relatively new thing. My choice was either have them at home, or send them to nursery, as there wasn't another adult there during the day and my family are hundreds of miles away. Nursery was never an option. But it honestly is easier to have them both at home all the time. You might need to lower your expectations in some respects - I prioritised getting us all out of the house, even if just to walk to the shops at toddler pace and back - over cleaning or cooking. Obviously I fed everyone, but the house was a bombsite for many, many years. I wasn't doing much very active at four weeks, but I did manage to get to playgroups, which are a very good place to sit and fail to drink more than one sip of tea whilst feeding your baby and talking to other parents (it was mostly mums, but with the occasional dad back in the day). Obviously our situation is a bit different in that you have worked as well and will presumably want to return to work - and you've had the really shitty end of the stick, having babies/small children during lockdown. I am not sure how I would have coped with lockdown at that stage. Not very well, I think.