Please help me make peace with being mediocre / second best.

[Romeoalpha]

In a nutshell, I’ve always been the straight-A, quietly ambitious type. I don’t come across this way I don’t think, but I suppose at work I do have a bit of an ego, it’s really important to me to feel like I’m contributing something important and that others think highly of me.

Anyway I’ve found a lovely job, in many ways perfect, except that my colleague is the ‘rising star’. We’re at the same level, but she gets the exciting opportunities and - this is my inner child speaking - I just know that she is the favourite and I am the sidekick.

I struggle with this. But as I like where I work in almost every other way and don’t want to move, I will just have to make peace with the fact that I am second best and watch out not to become bitter.

Any tips with this? Would welcome any wise philosophical nuggets anyone can throw my way.

there is ALWAYS going to be something who is better at some stuff than you are. I am amazed actually that this is the first time you have encountered this. has your colleague been in the place longer than you have?

ha not something, someone

You sound resigned to the situation. Do you think this colleague would put up with being second best, or would they venture out of their comfort zone and give themselves a chance to be properly valued elsewhere?

Your colleague may leave.

Favourites don't always stay favourites.

Can you become an expert at part of your current role so that you are the go to person, rather than her?

I bet you have a particular talent at some part of it.

I often end up with the interesting and sexy projects. They weren’t when I got given them. But because I make them work and deliver, people assume they are easy, interesting and sexy.

Talk up your projects, don’t think of them as being second best and make them successful. Also, play a bit of a long term game - discuss ideas to take things forward, put your hand up, act as though you already have the exciting opportunities.

OP, I hear you. It's frustrating, and it's a challenge to your self-esteem. I don't think there are easy answers. I suppose you have to be brutally honest with yourself: is she genuinely better than you, or is she better at kissing ass/ being someone's favourite?

Also answer this truthfully if you can: do you want to succeed because you genuinely care about the work and feel driven to improve, or do you want praise from your boss and public recognition? And if it's the latter, God I hear you because I struggle with this everyday. I know the answer lies in self rather than external validation, but it's so, so hard.

I understand there will always be those better, I think if we were a bigger team it would be easier, but there’s just 4 of us (within a larger organisation). The boss, my colleague and I (she’s been there 4 years, I’ve been there 2.5) and the newbie (just joined). Within the wider organisation and up the management chain it’s my colleague who shines.

I suppose I AM resigned, like you say there will always be somebody better, I just need to deal with it!

@Bookridden Thank you! You get it!

Are you me?! I absolutely know how you feel and I have found it's made me take things very personally (being left out of email chains, someone going to colleague with a question etc). The mature answer is to find my 'niche' and make it mine and excel there but, in reality, I think I'm likely to find another job before long.

@Romeoalpha yes, I find myself in a similar situation. It sounds like a small thing, but it's really painful, isn't it. I feel the answer must lie in bolstering self esteem somehow, but there's no easy way to do this.

It feels so pathetic to want this public praise and recognition so much. I wonder why we are stuck in this people-pleasing mode. Intellectually, I know it doesn't matter, but it still tears me apart ffs.

It really does sting. I wish I didn’t need the validation, but I kind of just do.

Yes, I hate myself for caring that she is always top of the list of people copied into emails, and I am last. I’m an adult! I need to get over it.

How do you validate yourself?

Yes, that's the small sort of thing that gets to me too. It's tiny little status symbols and power play really. I've seen sympathy on the thread but little actual advice. Am following for advice.

I don’t really?? I’m not sure how to?

Oh gosh. I know this! I work wit a couple of superstars. Both female. Both have imposter syndrome

i work with a few guys who think they’re the shit. But they aren’t really

I don’t really?? I’m not sure how to

There's the root of your problem. It needs to not matter to you that you're second best to someone at work because you have an identity that you respect outside of work. If your identity rests on being good in just the one area, you've nothing to fall back on, so it feels like a blow when you're not 'the best'.

The fact is, you don't need to be the best at anything. You're utterly brilliant, just by having the exact combination you have of kind/funny/cute/clever etc. There's nobody like you. Work schmerk. Who cares? That's the kind of attitude you need. Laugh off your successful colleague because you have something she'll never have: you're you.

Oooohh. Thank you this is helpful! Indefinitely do need to work on this. I will try!

But while your gaze is focused obsessively on the ways she's valued and your perception of her champion status, how are you supposed to see the ways you're valued or your strengths?

It's like staring at your feet and wondering why you can't see the stars.

Nope. If you think you need to work on it, you've already missed the point. You are ace, now. No work needed. Job's already done. You're great.

Onwards!

@Watchkeys
ha! Okay point taken😁 This is quite a radical shift in mindset for me. How do you keep it up, what happens when you don’t feel very ace?

Comparison is the thief of joy. Be grateful for what you do have, instead of pining over what you don’t. Also, nothing is forever - your strengths will/already have come into play, and you will be respected for them.

But OP, more seriously - I think you need some humble pie, and to accept that people are different and no-one is simply the ‘best’. This is a very narcissistic way to think of yourself, and you need to let it go, and grow up, because it’s a toxic way to live your life and will drag you down to misery. You’re pining after something that doesn’t exist - you can never be ‘the best’, because it didn’t exist.

You are only a human, just like the rest of us. You are not better than anyone else, you are not worse than anyone else. You need some perspective and your ego needs moderating.

Sorry to be so blunt - I have come to these realisations because I felt exactly like you did until I had a major life change a few years ago.

Maybe do some reading on stoicism.

You have to understand that you just are ace. When you've got a cold, period pains, spots and a hangover, you're still epic enough. Forgive yourself everything. You're not a bad person, so whatever your failings might be, they're all in good faith and all with a good heart.

Radical mindset shift is good. It happened to me when I was out walking the dog. I realised that I was responsible for me, like being responsible for a child: I need to actively look after me. That means only putting myself in places/with people where I'm comfortable, accepting with kindness that I don't rock at everything, or, in fact, anything all the time, not ever beating myself up (we don't beat up people we care about, right?), and generally understanding that I'm no better or worse than anybody else.

Your colleague may get promoted, but you might win the lottery or meet the love of your life or play the flute like a god or be a writer a-la-extraordinaire. And if you're not epic at enough things, then focus on getting good at stuff.

You just need to be a good mate to yourself, really.

I think bookridden has hit a few nails on the head.

In my own work (research on the border of social sciences and humanities) I still struggle (after 20 years in the field) with the fact that in my view often the wrong qualities get rewarded - grandiloquence wins out over clarity, fancy statements over precise questioning. I'd like the recognition but I'm no good at the posturing, so I grumble.

My answer is family, gardening, friends, and keeping a sense of humour at work. Noticing beauty in banal things. I'm not saying it always works and it's not easy. But what can you do? I hope you work something out.