Please help me make peace with being mediocre / second best.

[Romeoalpha]

In a nutshell, I’ve always been the straight-A, quietly ambitious type. I don’t come across this way I don’t think, but I suppose at work I do have a bit of an ego, it’s really important to me to feel like I’m contributing something important and that others think highly of me.

Anyway I’ve found a lovely job, in many ways perfect, except that my colleague is the ‘rising star’. We’re at the same level, but she gets the exciting opportunities and - this is my inner child speaking - I just know that she is the favourite and I am the sidekick.

I struggle with this. But as I like where I work in almost every other way and don’t want to move, I will just have to make peace with the fact that I am second best and watch out not to become bitter.

Any tips with this? Would welcome any wise philosophical nuggets anyone can throw my way.

I am very similar and a complete people pleaser. Hate it! The problem is that you’re never going to feel happy if you’re waiting for external validation, because it will never be enough. So the only way to stop it is to work on your own self confidence and find a different way of validating yourself. That’s why there’s no easy answer/advice.

write yourself a list of what you’re great at and what you could do to improve. What is it that you see in your colleague(s) or others that you don’t see in yourself and are these qualities/skills that you actually want? If so, how can you work on that? Developing a niche is a great idea if you want to, and a great way to get recognition but don’t do it just so you can get praise for being good at that thing. Because unless you really want to do that thing and are happy doing it, it’s very unlikely to make you feel happy.

Then keep working on developing yourself but also keep reminding yourself why you’re great and expanding on the reasons why you’re great. Because you are. And you don’t need external praise to confirm that.

OP, I was your colleague once.

Myself and a colleague started our posts at the same time, same role, same company.
I had the experience and knowledge my colleague didn't and because of that people came to me with questions, applauded my work and I was seen as 'better" at my job.

The problem is, I rested on my laurels. I stopped learning. I sat back and assumed I knew it all (ashamed to say!!). I enjoyed giving advice, being the knowledgeable one....

My colleague on the other hand quietly got on with her work but also made an effort to learn. She wasn't bitter or jealous (that im aware of anyway!) and spent time making opportunities to learn from me. She also made time to learn from others, to put herself forward for training, to learn in her own time, to improve all her skills, and to grow within her role.

Do you know what happened? She surpassed me eventually. I had stopped learning or bothering to improve myself. I produced a lot of work and worked hard, but I stopped trying to learn and develop. My colleague however, quietly grew, learnt and developed. She became really incredibly skilled and although I left that post (for unrelated reasons), I'm pretty sure she is continuing to fly in the role.

I learnt a lot from that experience and from watching that colleague and I will never be so arrogant again! She had poise and grace, didn't worry about me or what others thought, and just focused on herself and being the best version of herself she could be. It paid off.

Now I have a son who's into a sport big time. And I've used my experience to try and help him. He is definitely the underdog. He never wins despite loving it more than any of his team mates and working the hardest. He never gets recognition or praise from coaches, never gets medals. He has team mates always getting medals, praise and having their faces in the local paper for their achievements. I am teaching him to focus on learning. Use this time when the spotlight is not on you, when you are the underdog and have no pressure or expectation to be at the top, to focus on developing yourself to be the best you can. Dont look around at everyone else and feel sorry for yourself that you aren't getting the recognition, the medals etc .. Focus on developing you, on learning, on hard graft, on honing your skills and talents, and maybe one day, the hard work, the learning, the development will pay off.

Just returned to read the rest of these replies. Thanks everyone, especially the personal insights and experiences, it’s been so helpful.
Who needs a lifecoach when you have mumsnet 😂

You sound as if you think a bit too much of yourself...

If you're getting the same pay for the same job then you don't need to compete. Relax do what you need to do. You don't have to keep up with anyone else's level. She will have to keep up to the level she's been working at and will probably burn out before long. You do you. You don't need tomprove anything to anyone. If you think you're doing a good job then that's good enough. There. Said. Done. Smile.

@Romeoalpha just resurrecting this thread to ask how you're doing OP? Have your feelings eased at all?

Hi again @Bookridden, thanks for asking! My feelings about this have settled down for now. I found the replies on this thread extremely helpful, empathic and challenging in the right dose! Reading through them definitely eased the sting I was feeling.

How about you?

Another thing that helped me was meeting an old colleague, senior to me, who 10 years ago was often joked about because of her renowned hot temper and lack of social skills. Her spelling wasn't brilliant either. Anyway, she has stuck around, kept going, the faces around her have changed and she has changed, and she is now very well respected I think and has risen through the ranks.

It really helped me to see the long-game, and that nothing is forever. My boss will retire in 5 years. My colleague will probably have a baby soon. Things change. My time will come, if I deserve it and if I get my head down and focus on doing a good job at the things I am given.

And in the meantime I am trying to invest energy and emotion into the other aspects of my life a bit more and to boost general self esteem (separate to work), as several helpful posters on here suggested.

I am so glad to hear this! It remains a work in progress for me, so it's heartening to hear of the success of others in managing these feelings.