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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel like dh doesn't like baby

34 replies

supersuzie44 · 24/05/2022 18:22

Dh and I recently had a baby girl. She's 5 weeks old. I have a dd8 from previous relationship. Dh is 11 years older than me and doesn't have kids of his own but has always been a good stepdad to my dc.

Initially he was unsure about having kids due to his age (late forties). We had dd and to begin with he seemed really happy. But as the days have gone on, the novelty has worn off and the sleepless nights have started taking their toll I just can't shake the feeling that he regrets his choice to have her. He is back at work now and when he gets in he doesn't seem bothered about seeing her. He will avoid changing nappies, doing feeds, dressing her and so on. To begin with I thought this was just apprehension as he is so inexperienced with babies but now I'm not so sure.

He's never been the type to be out with friends but now he's wanting to do it a bit more which is fine but I've had no 'me time' whatsoever since she's been born.

I just don't really feel like we're a team. I feel like I've somehow ruined his life and made him unhappy even though it was clearly a joint decision to have a baby. I'm trying so hard to pick up the slack, look after the kids and keep things ticking over all while recovering from birth. Earlier he said her crying was doing his head in and I just thought you've been around her 5 minutes all day, how do you think I feel!

We bought our dream home last year so splitting up isn't an option and I feel like I'm perhaps still hormonal and emotional and perhaps not thinking straight? How can I talk about this with him without making it sound like I'm accusing him?

Dd had a little health scare recently and he was incredibly worried and upset so I'm sure he does love her but sometimes it feels like he doesn't like her/us/this new life very much and wants to distance himself from it which is obviously upsetting and frustrating for me.

OP posts:

Fairislefandango · 24/05/2022 18:29

Your dh may well be having regrets about becoming a father in his late 40s and about how it will change your lives. That doesn't mean he doesn't love the baby herself. Did he maybe only agree to habing a baby to please you? In any case he needs to do his bit and not try to escape from parenting his child. But... it's very early days and it will be a shock to the system. Hopefully he will come around.

Nothappyatwork · 24/05/2022 18:31

I’d say don’t do anything rash for 12 months but if you get to the end of the 12 months and you still feel the same way get rid of him whether it’s your dream home or not it doesn’t matter do not limp on waste in the best years of yours and your children’s lives on somebody who quite simply just does not want to be there and meet somebody who loves you all there be lots of them.

Original poster

supersuzie44 · 24/05/2022 18:34

I am starting to think he agreed to it to please me because he knew it's what I wanted. But I thought he wanted it too. Now it's happened it definitely feels like he is having regrets and isn't keen on this new lifestyle. Having said that, we all feel like that sometimes don't we? I remember the overwhelm and sudden crushing realisation that my life as I knew it was over when I had dc1. He's never been through that until now.

That said, I still feel pretty crap about it all and really hope this is beginners nerves. I find myself worrying that he's going to to have an affair or simply walk out on us because he's fed up of life as it is now. No legitimate reason to think these things I just feel vulnerable and quite sad.

OP posts:

Notagain76 · 24/05/2022 18:38

Congratulations on your daughter. Everything is so hard when your tired and adjustments need to be made on everyone. He probably feels like he's out of his depth. His SD is older and he gets something back from her, his DD is either crying, throwing up or asleep. If your breast feeding he might feel a bit redundant. Also although you had your beautiful daughter he had to either watch you if in room or worry about you. Take your time to adjust. Is he worried about you? Money? Step daughter feeling pushed out?
Speak to him, then you can come up with a plan. Small steps

myyellowcar · 24/05/2022 18:42

I agree with @Nothappyatwork, don’t make life changing decisions for the first 12 months unless something you can’t live with crops up.

To be honest there will be many other parents who feel the same way as your DH. At her age, you don’t get a lot from them. Don’t be tempted to do the lions share to keep him happy. That way madness lies and it’ll take longer for him to bond. He needs to pitch in and he’ll fall in love soon enough.

ReadtheFT · 24/05/2022 18:43

My husband never seems bothered woth pregnancy and newborn stage, but that all chages when baby becomes more responsive.
Hes a great father.
Id give it a few months.

PurassicJark · 24/05/2022 18:44

You say initially he was unsure due to his age, did you discuss it at that point?

Msmbc · 24/05/2022 18:47

I think it's quite common for men not to be that interested during the newborn phase. A fair amount of mums find newborns boring as well! He is bound to bond with her more as she gets older. That said he should be pulling his weight in terms of looking after her now.

Original poster

supersuzie44 · 24/05/2022 18:55

PurassicJark · 24/05/2022 18:44

You say initially he was unsure due to his age, did you discuss it at that point?

We did. I tried to reassure him that it's really not too old but I didn't want to have to convince him as such as it clearly had to be a joint decision. He was happy when I found out I was pregnant. He just doesn't seem to be adapting to the new lifestyle that well.

OP posts:

Original poster

supersuzie44 · 24/05/2022 18:56

Msmbc · 24/05/2022 18:47

He is out working so of course I accept that I will be doing the lions share. I suppose it just hurts that when he gets home he doesn't have a lot of interest in doing anything for her and the comment about her crying 'doing his head in' upset me as he'd barely seen her all day.

OP posts:

Libertaire · 24/05/2022 18:57

In my experience, it’s unusual for men of that age to be super keen to become first-time dads. Did he actually want to become a father, or did he agree to it to keep you happy because it was what you wanted? If it was the latter, it’s to be expected that he is ambivalent and taking a back seat at this point.

Even if he really wanted to become a dad, most people in their late 40s are fairly set in their ways, and it’s not surprising for someone of that age to struggle with such a massive upheaval in a comfortable settled life. Give him time to adjust to the new situation.

BadWolf2022 · 24/05/2022 19:01

I think he's personally regretting having a baby so late in age. Most people in their late 40s are becoming grand parents, it's a lot of work and unfortunately don't have the energy once had.

Just sit him down and have a heart to heart. Explain how you feel. See where the conversation goes. Good luck.

BDeyes · 24/05/2022 19:02

I also think this is quite common behaviour from men, I remember thinking my OH felt the same away about both of our dcs when they were babies. I also remember thinking my OH was jealous that our first baby had taken all my attention off him as I had a baby to care for. I do think some men are just like big kids themselves and don't like not being centre of attention anymore.

Nothappyatwork · 24/05/2022 19:21

I do think deep down if they actually told the truth most men don’t particularly like or want babies not to say that they don’t love them then nowhere near was involved with them as the mother is I do think a lot of the time they have kids to keep us happy or because it’s what society expects I know for an absolute fact my ex-husband would’ve been much happier without them. Yet he agreed to 4 go figure.

Original poster

supersuzie44 · 24/05/2022 19:22

I think he was always anxious about becoming a father but that it was something he did want. If I had thought he were only doing it to please me I wouldn't have come off the pill. That was a conversation we had and agreed on together. I hope it's just an early wobble and that as she grows up he becomes happier and more involved. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about :-(

OP posts:

PurassicJark · 24/05/2022 19:38

supersuzie44 · 24/05/2022 18:55

Show quote history

Doesn't sound like he was happy to be honest. Hopefully he will change his tune to it, but you may have to accept you are essentially a single parent.

LorW · 24/05/2022 19:54

Don’t worry OP he will adjust, my DH had 3 already and when we had a LG he struggled with the super newborn stage as he felt useless/couldn’t really bond with her the way I could, she screamed all the time cause she just wanted me. Now he can actually interact with her and she’s not so clingy to me they have the best relationship 😁

Mally100 · 24/05/2022 20:12

I think you knew he wasn't on board and tried to convince him. You need to be honest about that. A man in his late forties not having a child and initially reluctant, what made you think this was someone who wanted a baby. In saying that, he may be just adjusting to it. Being late 40s and then deciding on a baby isn't such a norm. Have an honest conversation and tell him your concerns and talk it out. He's a good dad to your other dd, so maybe he just needs to come around.

DressingGownofDoom · 24/05/2022 20:16

'but sometimes it feels like he doesn't like her/us/this new life very much and wants to distance himself from it'

I don't want to call all men lazy fuckwits, but quite a lot of men are lazy fuckwits and will do almost anything to dodge actually having to deal with the grind of looking after a baby. It's not that he doesn't love her. It's just that, like many new dads, he's a twat. Tell him to get his act together.

sonjadog · 24/05/2022 20:21

It is very early days and as you say, he has just had probably the biggest lifestyle change he will ever had. You have been through it before so it isn't such a shock for you. He is also late 40s so a bit stuck in his ways, which he is now seeing are slipping away for good. I think it will most likely sort itself out as he gets more used to this new reality. Also as the baby grows, he will be able to interact and enjoy her more. Don't worry about this now, the advice to wait 12 months sounds very sensible to me. I have a colleague who is in a similar situation and of a similar age. When he came into work the first few months, he looked like he had been hit by a sledgehammer . Seven months on, and he is sharing videos and photos and full of stories of what his daughter is doing now!

Darbs76 · 24/05/2022 20:22

My brother has just become a father again in his late 40’s and his other children are adults (he had them young). In all honesty I think he probably wasn’t that keen but his 2nd wife didn’t have any children of his own and when he got in a relationship with her he knew she wanted children. I haven’t seen him a great deal but he seems to love his new baby, but he’s definitely made lots of comments like goodbye retirement, goodbye weekend breaks in Europe etc. It is a big lifestyle change and will take some getting used to

Palease · 24/05/2022 20:23

My DH wasn’t really interested in our kids until they got more interactive, eg smiling and laughing. It is heartbreaking when you feel they don’t love them the same as you do, but just give it time. Young babies are boring.

statetrooperstacey · 24/05/2022 20:34

youre probably right and he’s not enjoying this stage or his life very much right now , but that doesn’t mean he won’t enjoy the next stages though. The newborn stage is relentless and tedious and hard work.
she will grow and get easier and cuter and more fun to be around . Perhaps he doesn’t realise this bit is short lived and it will get better. Hang on in there .
Think along the lines of home improvements, nobody enjoys the building stage and it can be a struggle to imagine the end product when you’re in the thick of it, but in the end you’re glad you did it!😁

bloodyunicorns · 24/05/2022 22:21

@BadWolf2022 - Most people in their late 40s are becoming grandparents

No, they're really not.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 24/05/2022 22:45

BadWolf2022 · 24/05/2022 19:01

I think he's personally regretting having a baby so late in age. Most people in their late 40s are becoming grand parents, it's a lot of work and unfortunately don't have the energy once had.

Just sit him down and have a heart to heart. Explain how you feel. See where the conversation goes. Good luck.

I don't know a single person in their late 40s becoming a grandparent... late 50s maybe

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