Feel like dh doesn't like baby

[supersuzie44]

Dh and I recently had a baby girl. She's 5 weeks old. I have a dd8 from previous relationship. Dh is 11 years older than me and doesn't have kids of his own but has always been a good stepdad to my dc.

Initially he was unsure about having kids due to his age (late forties). We had dd and to begin with he seemed really happy. But as the days have gone on, the novelty has worn off and the sleepless nights have started taking their toll I just can't shake the feeling that he regrets his choice to have her. He is back at work now and when he gets in he doesn't seem bothered about seeing her. He will avoid changing nappies, doing feeds, dressing her and so on. To begin with I thought this was just apprehension as he is so inexperienced with babies but now I'm not so sure.

He's never been the type to be out with friends but now he's wanting to do it a bit more which is fine but I've had no 'me time' whatsoever since she's been born.

I just don't really feel like we're a team. I feel like I've somehow ruined his life and made him unhappy even though it was clearly a joint decision to have a baby. I'm trying so hard to pick up the slack, look after the kids and keep things ticking over all while recovering from birth. Earlier he said her crying was doing his head in and I just thought you've been around her 5 minutes all day, how do you think I feel!

We bought our dream home last year so splitting up isn't an option and I feel like I'm perhaps still hormonal and emotional and perhaps not thinking straight? How can I talk about this with him without making it sound like I'm accusing him?

Dd had a little health scare recently and he was incredibly worried and upset so I'm sure he does love her but sometimes it feels like he doesn't like her/us/this new life very much and wants to distance himself from it which is obviously upsetting and frustrating for me.

I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling this way, that must be so difficult with a newborn. I just wanted to offer a different perspective with could potentially be how your DH is feeling. I know that some partners can find the bond more difficult with newborns because they are, more often than not, mostly reliant on their Mum for comfort and food etc. I know my DH didn't recognise this feeling in himself until our little one was a little bit older and a bit more interactive - then he found his feet as a Dad and felt much better about the role he could play. He then felt that bond that I described in the early days. He described feeling a sense of imposter syndrome in those early days. Also, there has been some research to say that hormones in partners actually change after birth too - mostly reduced testosterone - this can sometimes cause a bit of a depression for men/partners. I wonder if you DH is struggling a bit to find his place or feeling a bit low. It might be worth trying to open a conversation about this to see if it could be the case. If it is, then it's important he gets help so that you and you little one can feel more supported too. Might not be the case but thought I'd throw the idea out there incase it is. Sending big hugs and I hope the situation improves for you soon.

Thank you for the replies. It's a relief to know that other men have acted like this. If I'm really honest I was a bit like this with my first. I loved dc of course but I can't say I particularly enjoyed the first few months. This time I was more prepared but dh obviously hasn't gone through it before.

I suppose the issue with dh is that he's one of those people who when he gets ill he's SO ill and when he's tired he's SO tired. Everyone has to know how much he's suffering. Whereas I feel like im expected to just get on with it.

That said I shouldn't be too hard on him. He's being really helpful in other ways - cooking and cleaning etc - I guess I just hoped he'd be a bit happier than he is.

I can see how upsetting this is for you, but I a lot of men just aren’t interested in the baby stage, once baby starts to develop I think he will change. Try not to worry, I don’t think it has anything to do with his age or regrets. Make sure you get some time for you too though .

I felt like I ruined my life by having a baby and I'm the mother. Sometimes the shock is overwhelming and it takes time.

Babies can be scary. They're small and seem so fragile. Apart from the noise and smell etc it takes practice to do nappies and hold them properly and look after them. When ours were little DH was a bit wary at first as he didn't want to hurt them. His friends wee reluctant to even hold them in case they did it wrong and hurt them. Once they learned how to hold them it was a different story even they found baby cuddles addictive.

If he was worried when she wasn't well perhaps its just a bit scary and different to him, change can be a problem.

It was wholly your idea, you sold it to him and he only agreed to it to please you. That’s the truth if it.

The thing is, does he see being a parent purely in terms of a responsibility - for something, if he was totally honest, he never freely sort in the first place. Whether he should have been been more decisive in the first place is too late, he’s going to have to live with it. Doesn’t mean he’s entirely settled in his mind about it.

IMHO, having children, like marriage, is one of those things that you have to be 100% certain you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. You can’t do it just to please somebody else.

Five weeks is still very early days, all my DH ever wanted was a child but when she was born I felt like he was going through the motions and could tell he didn't have the same feelings for her as I did. I confronted him a few weeks in and he said it was all in my head - I knew it wasn't.

Slowly, maybe at around two months he started asking me to send him pictures of her when he was at work and I knew that fatherly love was kicking in.

He did admit it a few months on, it wasn't that he didn't love her but he watched me with her and I was so besotted he couldn't understand why he didn't feel the same, but he's obsessed with her now and such a hands on, natural, loving dad. I knew he would be, he was so wonderful with our nephews I knew he just needed a bit of time.

Once she starts interacting, smiling and laughing he'll enjoy her more. The sleepless nights take their toll. I would be expecting him to help more though, that's not fair and you need a break for your own sanity.

There is always this danger if a man has to be persuaded or convinced to have a child. They do not always “fall in love” with the baby.