FUMING

[Universeandpeace19]

Please tell me if im being unreasonable because if I am then fair enough and I'll just put it behind me!!!

So my partners daughter is now 10 I have been in her life since she was three me and my partner have also had a son.

Contact with my stepdaughter was inconsistent for around 4 years of being with her dad due to reasons such as she does not want to come she wants to stay at home she isn't comfortable at our house she has other commitments. Stepdaughter mum has never had any rules for stepdaughter so we never had anything to go by (as i asked plenty of times what is her routine and we will stick to it our end there never was one so we all did it the best we could)

We would then get messages like I'm stopping contact because you can't always expect to be the fun parent and take her out all day. We didnt do this for competition we did this because we didn't enjoy just sitting at home doing nothing all day me and and partner aren't sit indoors types when we're alone, we like to be out and about and as blantant as that she stopped contact no joke!

Then a few weeks later we would get messages such as I am struggling with my mental health and I was all over the place she misses you I think she should come and stay for 2 weeks so just like that we hadn't been allowed contact for a few months we would send letters and pictures and boxes of stuff to her address because we wasn't allowed to speak to her on the phone this is when she was around 3-7 so bam we now have a child for 2 weeks straight it was uncomfortable for all of us and would take a few days to settle I can't imagine how it must of felt for my SD to all of a sudden not see or speak to her mum for 2 whole weeks we would try and call but SD wouldn't speak on the phone or her mum wouldn't answer if we called her mum for things like what does she eat or what time does she go to bed she would say it's your time not my job to guide you through it to make it easier for yourselves.

Anyway SD is clearly affected by this in the types of behavior she shows but we just love her laugh joke and talk about her and what she likes to do she has no idea how we feel about the situation she is a child and it's not her place to carry emotions she did not cause.

So when I fell pregnant with my son I told my partner we need to go to court for regular contact this had always been a conversation before hand but we never had the money to process the application as we was private renting but due to moving into a council flat it freed up alot of money and we used everything we saved for the baby for court I brought everything for my son second hand his sister was worth more than a brand new pushchair!

The court granted access within a few weeks of the application we were told by the solicitor they said mums reasons for stopping contact were taken lightly and they felt we had every right to have her we then started to have her every other weekend and half the holidays it was an adjustment at first but it started to get easier as she became more comfortable and at home.

Then we got hit with the news her mum and new and latest boyfriend got married after 2 weeks of knowing each other and was moving her children away she had 2 boys and SD the two boys did not see there father either.

They moved 280 miles away now my partner traveld still every other weekend picking her up and dropping her off so with maintenence included we were paying 500 a month just to pick her up and pay maintenence.

He begged his ex please can they stop the maintenance so he could continue the regular relationship with his daughter and the only reason he asked this was because she told him that they were moving away because her husband is on 49k a year and there house is included so we just assumed I suppose for the sake of her coming was important we still offered to pay for school trips and uniform like we did spearatly anyway but then our financial situation got worse and we was turning to food banks as I was on maternity and going without power for a few days until payday it was starting to wear me down. She did not agree to stop payments.

So we had to stop seeing SD because we could not afford it we only saw her once a month and then half the holidays:(

Then some good luck happend after 6 months of having to send evidence and train tickets for travel blah blah and the court order the maintenence went down by 100 pound which freed up the fare to be able to pay maintenence and pick up SD regular again but the same say she then went to collect and pay which adds 20% on to the amount you pay.

WHY IS SHE DOING THIS???

Why does she not want us to have a relationship why I'm so sick of it I've had enough its not fair he's an amazing father and now my son is affected by it too because does not see his sister as much its horrible I hate it!!!!

There are paragraphs for me. But no sentences within those paragraphs. That's what makes it so hard to understand.

There are paragraphs for me. But no sentences within those paragraphs. That's what makes it so hard to understand.

Oh yes, I didn't notice that. They are long sentences that's for sure!
I read (scientific articles prior to editing) for a living so getting the gist from a skim read sometimes poorly written article is my super power.

This.

Your OP speaks volumes in its language. Lots of "we" and I. Your husband seems to have done little on his own accord.

Neither of her parents put her first or seem that bothered about her. Direct some of your fuming at the deadbeat you live with, not just his ex.

WHY IS SHE DOING THIS???

I imagine it's because she hates her ex (your partner) and wants to make life difficult for him. Her daughter is collateral damage.

I suppose as PPs said, there might be more to it that you aren't aware of.

Couldn't you have gone to court to stop her moving away?

I didn't have a problem reading the OP at all @Universeandpeace19 x

If your dh has always made payments the CSM have no reason to enforce collect and pay. Also does she realise she will also lose a % of money. I would make sure Csm have full proof of your payments if they still change you over then go to your local MP as if you have been making payments they have no justification to change your method of payment .

😀

It's certainly not one of my superpowers!

OP seems to say that he didn’t make payments for 6 months. I’d have gone for C&P too.

So she married a military man and has to move with him that’s pretty simple that’s not her being a bitch. If their relationship had been serious but under Radar and he was about to get posted further away they would of had to marry for her to go with him.

your dh didn’t bother to fight to see his child once he met you until you forced him to.

you or he wants to pay less maintenance because he has to travel well you already got £100 off and his clearly not been paying on time as otherwise cms wouldn’t be now on the 20% thing.

actually I’d say it’s not normal to have to ask the ex what time your child should go to bed or what the child eats. You well he as a parent should have an idea of what time to put a child to bed; how hard is it to ask the child again what they would like for dinner or what their favourite meals are. This isn’t a baby or toddler needing a minute by minute hand over.

Honestly just leave it to your dh you seem very worked up over stuff he should be fixing yet you seem to be the one driving force behind anything being done.

I imagine it's because she hates her ex (your partner) and wants to make life difficult for him. Her daughter is collateral damage

That doesn't answer the OP's question. However rubbish she may consider her partner to be, making her daughter collateral damage is unforgiveable.

If you have a child they come first. Way above your desire to get even with your partner (assuming only useless, and not abusive).

However, is her daughter collateral damage because she hates her ex or has she just met someone better and moved away with him? The latter seems more likely to me.

So she married a military man and has to move with him that’s pretty simple that’s not her being a bitch. If their relationship had been serious but under Radar and he was about to get posted further away they would of had to marry for her to go with him.

In fairness if the dad had married a military woman and "had" to move to be with them then they would be called every name under the sun on here for not prioritising their child.

You need to go back to court.

Petition for the mother to pay half of travel expenses if DH is doing all the traveling, or for his exW to either drop off or pick up the DD for her weekend visitation.

Her H is in the army and could be stationed anywhere. It shouldn't be the case that your H can't afford to see his DD if they get posted to Inverness or wherever.

It also needs to be established that phone calls too DD from her dad when she's at her mum's cannot be refused within reasonable limits (i.e no phone calls after bedtime, and no constant phone calls all day every day). The DD needs to be allowed to phone her mother when she's with you as well, and the mother needs to be allowed to phone her DD during EOW weekends. This can all be written into an agreement.

If finances have drastically changed, then you can also argue your case. But you can't just stop paying or reduce on an ad hoc basis.

Where does it say my partner didn't make payments for 6 months?

I agree with you that it isn't right to ask about routine and food because normally a child has one I place but when you have a child who has been used as a pawn by adults unfortunately my step daughter hasn't developed much past toddler stage I'd say she needs constant reassurance she needs to be asked if she's hungry or wants a drink and she has no bedtime at home she struggles with the adjustment of having to go to bed at 8pm because we're all in bed by 9pm that's why I tried to befriend her mum and ask her what her daughter likes and how they do things because I had respect that she was her mother and she knew best for her daughter maybe I'm wrong for that and I can take that something to definatly work on thank you for your comment

Some people will do anything they can get away with and this sort of thing sadly happens to fathers who have done nothing wrong all the time. All you can do is support your partner and not let it ruin your mental health or the time you all do get as a family.

Your partner should get legal advice and take it back to court. If the resident parent chooses to move so far away and obstruct contact and there is a history of this, they may reduce the maintenance or stipulate that the mum is responsible for some of the transport for the contact in the court order.

“Where does it say my partner didn't make payments for 6 months?“

That was me. I said it seems it wasn’t paid, because of your paragraph mentioning 6 months. It was badly written and I wasn’t sure. Good that he has paid it then.

Still don’t understand why it took him 4 years to sort out access though?