Would lies bother u?

Timeforme40 · 2022-05-24T11:00:15+00:00

how Much would it bother u if u recently found out ur husband lied a lot to u? I’m mostly an honest person (will tell small white lies once in a while eg- say I didn’t hear my phone ring if my mum calls and I’m busy and haven’t got time to talk or will agree with a friend if it saves her additional upset etc) I don’t tell big lies and I am always honest with my husband- not even white lies. I always thought he was the same. Past 3 months I’ve realised he lies a lot- from where he is- what he’s bought- things at work etc. I don’t suspect he’s cheating but feel I don’t know him. He’s always losing things- he recently lost his AirPods which he got as a present. We spent weeks looking for them all over the house- I was genuinely gutted as he only had them a couple of weeks. I found out a few days ago he knew exactly where and when he lost them- on a train so no way of getting them bk and def no possibility of finding them in a drawer at home. how much would this bother u? I just q how much I know him at all. Been together 22 years. Please feel free to say I’m totally overthinking this. Thanks!

DropYourSword · 24/05/2022 12:01

It would bother me a lot.

Alcibiade · 24/05/2022 12:03

YANBU. It would worry me if my partner was lying to me about something as simple as losing something on a train.

Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:03

Yep me too, how would u deal with it?

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KettrickenSmiled · 24/05/2022 12:07

It would bother me. My exH was a liar. Note - ex.

Is it bothering you?
There is not point, btw, in a confrontation where you lay out your concerns & ask him to stop lying. Because you already know what will happen.

He will lie that he is not a liar, will eventaully own up to getting a few things wrong, or being confused, or lying because He Knew You Would React Like This So It Is Your Fault, maybe even do a little performative sobbing about how he Needs Your Support.
Then he will continue lying.

Bluntly - all you need do is decide whether you wish to continue living with a liar, or not. Because he is not going to stop lying.

Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:08

I’ve tried to bring up times I know he’s lied- in a very calm, chilled out way but he gets very defensive- always puts it back at me- he’s scared to tell me when he buys things, I’m bk trolling and need to know everything. etc- it’s just upsetting how easily he does it. argh what do I do?

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Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:09

Meant to be controlling not trolling

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KettrickenSmiled · 24/05/2022 12:09

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:03

Yep me too, how would u deal with it?

Leave. See above.

But how PP would deal with it is irrelevant, OP.
What's relevant is how YOU want to deal with it, what YOUR line in the sand is, & that YOU recognise that it is not possible to 'cure' a liar of lying.

Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:11

Yes it really upsets me because I don’t lie to him and thought I got the same respect back.

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KettrickenSmiled · 24/05/2022 12:12

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:08

I’ve tried to bring up times I know he’s lied- in a very calm, chilled out way but he gets very defensive- always puts it back at me- he’s scared to tell me when he buys things, I’m bk trolling and need to know everything. etc- it’s just upsetting how easily he does it. argh what do I do?

Have you tried a non-calm way?

Why do you need to present yourself to him in a chilled manner?
All you get is defensiveness (ie more lies) anyway, so what's the point?

How about you at least give yourself the satisfaction of going all-out fucking ballistic at him? How would he react to that, do you think?

MagicTurtle · 24/05/2022 12:12

I would suggest that he (or both of you) goes to counselling to get to the bottom of this. Could it be rooted in his childhood? Did he have a very intimidating parent?

Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:15

i always thought our marriage was strong- just a big wake up call- I just keep thinking what else he’s lying about. I do t want to divorce him- we have children and it seems such a big reaction but what ure saying is completely right- he will either turn it to me or play it down and make me feel I’m being ott. Has anyone else we ever had siliar and how did h deal with it?

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Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:17

He’s not great when we have full on arguments- he always plays the victim- not reflective at all. But a very good husband/ dad in other ways.

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Trivester · 24/05/2022 12:18

I’m a liar - I have to work quite hard not to. It’s a survival trait from my childhood and sometimes I’ve told a lie before I’ve even thought about it.

I’m really lucky to have a dh who can handle the truth - even when the truth is “actually that was a lie. This is what really happened…” which is a truly mortifying thing to admit.

it’s stupid and I hate that I do it but I know why it’s ingrained.

So my advice is to look for the reason he lies - is it in his childhood or are you someone who can’t handle the truth and he’s taking the easy path?

I’d be really annoyed about putting time and effort into searching for something so please don’t think I’m taking his side here. I’m not sure I could live with me tbh.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/05/2022 12:20

It would be a deal breaker for me actually, I can not stand people lying to my face like that and treating me like some sort of idiot, I especially couldn't deal with it from my husband

Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 12:22

Thanks for being so open and honest- I do t think it’s his childhood- think he would say he lies to be because he ‘knows’ what my reaction will be. Would I get annoyed if he loses something once… no- 20th time- yes! I can apply that to all his lies.

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ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 24/05/2022 12:22

My DH used to tell "easy" lies. I called him out on every single one. He gave up lying to me, as he realises it doesn't actually make his life any easier, quite the opposite. I refused to let any lies go unchallenged, so he learned to stop doing it.

Don't know about your DH, but mine comes from a family with a culture of "white lies", whereas I come from a family which championed the truth. I think it can be changed, but you need to keep reinforcing that lies won't be tolerated. They lie to avoid hassle, so if they get more hassle for lying than telling the truth it becomes pointless!

Summerwetordry · 24/05/2022 12:22

An absolute no from me. I broke off an engagement when I found he had lied about getting a promotion at work and kicked him out straight away. No kids luckily.

CrystalCoco · 24/05/2022 12:39

My H will lie at the drop of a hat for 'an easy life'

I've caught him in big lies and little lies and he couldn't care less about telling the truth nor could he care when he gets caught lying.

My standards have dropped to the level of his and now I don't care about lying for an easy life either.

A marriage without truth and trust is not a good one.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/05/2022 13:00

Playing devils advocate here, I do think you may need to look at your own behaviour as well.

I have a problem with losing things. I have a lot of ASD traits and I don't know if it's a part of that. I've lost count of the amount of keys, bank card etc that I've mis placed. I put strategies in place to deal with it...but it's like my brain doesn't connect with my body and whatever I do, I just can't help it. I deal with the consequences myself however obviously it does impact on other people sometimes as well if I've locked myself out again or something. My husband sometimes gets annoyed, because its annoying, but he never has a go at me, as he knows I'm genuinely trying. If he did have a go at me...I might not tell him the truth. Because it literally doesn't help if someone has a go at me, it doesn't stop things going missing, it just makes me feel more shit and embarrassed about it.

I wouldn't go as far as accepting help looking for something I knew was lost though, its disrespectful to waste your time like that

RealBecca · 24/05/2022 13:08

has he been this way throughout the marriage?

100% @KettrickenSmiled

Sisiwawa · 24/05/2022 13:23

My husband does this and it seems to have gotten worse, or maybe I'm better at recognising it lately.
Big and small, drives me absolutely mental and has probably killed our marriage tbh.
It's like a 'go-to' defense mechanism for him and probably deeply ingrained. I think it's a lack of confidence/ responsibility...
I've said dozens of times 'if you forget something, just say, instead of lying about it' etc.
I can't trust him and question a lot of these lies/ excuses. It's draining and your husband probably won't change, just depends how much you're willing to put up with.

Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 21:43

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/05/2022 13:00

Playing devils advocate here, I do think you may need to look at your own behaviour as well.

I have a problem with losing things. I have a lot of ASD traits and I don't know if it's a part of that. I've lost count of the amount of keys, bank card etc that I've mis placed. I put strategies in place to deal with it...but it's like my brain doesn't connect with my body and whatever I do, I just can't help it. I deal with the consequences myself however obviously it does impact on other people sometimes as well if I've locked myself out again or something. My husband sometimes gets annoyed, because its annoying, but he never has a go at me, as he knows I'm genuinely trying. If he did have a go at me...I might not tell him the truth. Because it literally doesn't help if someone has a go at me, it doesn't stop things going missing, it just makes me feel more shit and embarrassed about it.

I wouldn't go as far as accepting help looking for something I knew was lost though, its disrespectful to waste your time like that

Thank u -I do appreciate seeing views from both sides. My daughter has autism and adhd and quite often forgets/ loses things- I like to think I show understanding towards this- it would really upset if I found out I didn’t . To be honest- he doesn’t just lie about losing things/ it’s lots of different things.

with regards to childhood- he’s always had issues with communication -he prefers the ‘bury ur head in the sand’ approach.

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Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 21:45

CrystalCoco · 24/05/2022 12:39

My H will lie at the drop of a hat for 'an easy life'

I've caught him in big lies and little lies and he couldn't care less about telling the truth nor could he care when he gets caught lying.

My standards have dropped to the level of his and now I don't care about lying for an easy life either.

A marriage without truth and trust is not a good one.

A marriage without trust… so u have accepted he wouldn’t change- if u can’t beat them join them type thing? X

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Sswhinesthebest · 24/05/2022 21:47

Lies would be a deal breaker for me. From a partner I wouldn’t even tolerate white lies. Trust is such a fundamental part of my relationships.

Even with the kids I used to say I’d punish more for lies, than if they admitted the truth.

Original poster

Timeforme40 · 24/05/2022 21:47

Sisiwawa · 24/05/2022 13:23

My husband does this and it seems to have gotten worse, or maybe I'm better at recognising it lately.
Big and small, drives me absolutely mental and has probably killed our marriage tbh.
It's like a 'go-to' defense mechanism for him and probably deeply ingrained. I think it's a lack of confidence/ responsibility...
I've said dozens of times 'if you forget something, just say, instead of lying about it' etc.
I can't trust him and question a lot of these lies/ excuses. It's draining and your husband probably won't change, just depends how much you're willing to put up with.

Sisiwawa- how have u coped with it? Do u have a family? I hate the idea that my children will see lying as part of a normal healthy relationship.

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