AIBU to want to pull ds from nursery

[Hiddyhi]

My ds has started nursery recently. He's recently started having a severe reaction saying no nursery at home and everytime we approach the nursery road starts screaming and crying, arching his back saying no nursery no nursery please no nursery and refusing to go in without a complete meltdown where he is hyperventilating. He is often hoarse when I pick him up I pressume from where he has been crying so much and he is always in tears when I collect him. Nursery say this is normal in the early days.

I only put him twice a week for a break because I have a new baby and he loves other kids so thought it would be good socialisation for him. I am fully aware a lot of people don't have this luxury so not looking to provoke, just wondering what others would do if you didn't have to send dc in would you just keep them home if you could?

How long has he been at the nursery 2 weeks or 2 months? If it's nearer the latter then the setting isn't right for him and you should try another setting.

Plenty of kids cry at the doorstep of nursery/child minder but don't get upset on the approaching road. I've seen them for years as I live next to a nursery and opposite a school nursery.

There are also kids who cry when leaving because they were having so much fun.

That sounds like a very extreme response.

Could you try stepping backwards a bit and doing some more gradual settling in, i.e.having you there then slowly leaving him for very short periods once he is happy.

Also, twice a week might be too few occasions for him to get used to it (like that Monday morning feeling on both occasions). Could you do 3-4 half days instead.

My DD had a similarly awful time at a nursery and i switched her to a childminder which was more suited to her. My second child runs into a nursery without a care in the world. They are all different and this might not be the place for him. Trust your instinct.

As you don't need childcare for work I'd pull him out in this situation. He can try again when he is 3 and has more language to tell you why he does not like nursery.

I think it depends on the child too, quiet and introverted children are just not as suited to being in large groups as extroverts. I don't agree with the idea that quiet children need to go to nursery at 2 to be ready for school.

I would agree with others.that 2 days is not a great amount to settle him in. If there is any way to do less hours over more days to start with I would. It's not just about him getting used to the setting but about the other children getting used to him and starting to include him. I think children who are at nursery full time have their set friends they play with and are creatures of routine.

I would try again in a year. I thinking starting nursery when he’s already dealing with the huge adjustment of having a sibling is too much change. If anything I’d say he needs more time with parents and reassurance right now, not less. Nothing wrong with having him nursery whilst you spend time with the baby if he was already happy and settled there before the baby arrived. I know that’s harder for you but I’d pull him out and try again further down the line so there’s not the connection (in his mind) of having a baby in the house means he has to spend time away from you.

I think 2 is quite a difficult age to start at nursery. If they start circa age 1 or less, it’s all they’ve ever known and just part of the routine. If they go at 3, they have more of an idea about it being fun and sociable. 2 year olds have loads of big feelings, but limited ways to express them and generally don’t play with other children, more alongside them. Its probably partly due to the other upheaval of having a new sibling as well. It’s okay to pull him if you are happy with that set up as well, or equally you could try upping the mornings and seeing if it helps.

I think just two half days isn't enough for him to get used to it. Can you increase it?

I used to be firmly in the "it's cruel to send them to nursery if it's not necessary camp", but I put my little one in nursery at 2 and even though he sounded exactly like your son at first, he bloody loves it now and he's so excited to go.

The first few weeks were so hard, my son would cry himself into a little nap, and I did also consider pulling him out. But his speech and development have come on so well since being in nursery. So now I send him in on days I'm off as well because I know he's somewhere he loves being and I can actually have a break.

I'd persevere.

Id take him out and take him to toddler groups instead. He could well be feeling very insecure that he goes but the baby stays with you.

2 is the hardest age to start nursery.

added to
the huge change of a newborn at home?

pull him out and wait a while

I’d withdraw him for sure. Find a homely childminder instead, or a preschool he likes better.

It is normal for toddlers to get upset st drop off but his reaction sounds extreme and being in tears at pickup is unusual and worrying.

I had to try three settings before we found a fit. The first one was noisy and he was overwhelmed and panicky. Tried if for a fee weeks, got steadily worse. Then tried a childminder but shr was a bully 😱 Inoulled him out. Tried a preschool that was a longer drive but highly recommended and he did not cry once in this year there, even the first session! The quality of staff and their ability to engage him makes a massive massive difference.

How long has he been going?

I used to be a childminder and some children do need a bit of time to settle. It's not unusual to have tears and upset at the doorstep and literally 30 minutes later, once the parents are out of sight, the same child is settled and playing happily.

I used to send photos to the parents to show their little one was fine and happy as it's horrible for them to have to leave them when they're crying. If they don't leave though the crying will carry on - long protracted drop offs don't help at all.

Is he settling after you've gone?

Are nursery sending photos to reassure you and letting you know how he us?

If you're within the first month you need to give it longer - I'd say 2 - 3 months ideally.

If you feel it's still not working I'd definitely recommend considering a childminder instead of a nursery. It would allow socialising, give you a break but within a smaller, more homely environment.

Most children do settle after a while and end up really enjoying going to childcare. It also helps for when they start preschool/school as it's not such a big adjustment.

I sent my daughter to a childminder friend for a couple of half days a week, even though I was a childminder myself to help with her being used to not always being with me.

How is he during the rest of the day? This would be the decider for me.
If he was upset all day or most of the day, I'd pull him out. If he is happy once you've gone, I'd persevere

I don't think two half days is much at all for him to properly settle. Could you make it 2 full days?

That said, it's very normal for them to cry at drop off in the early days. Also, a lot of children get upset around pick up time when they notice other children leaving before them, so I wouldn't automatically assume he's spending the whole time he's there upset because that isn't necessarily the case.

I expect it’s because he’s not really settled in yet at only two days a week, he’s unused to childcare settings, and you’ve only started sending him since his sibling rival turned up.

You might need to reframe how he sees it, perhaps you drop him off without the baby in tow, or make sure you pick him up without the baby and do something nice just the two of you.

Maybe he is just not ready yet. If possible could you give him a year and try again? This has happened with me- hysterics, unable to settle. Then a year later it was pretty much fine, just a few tears at first.

I put mine in 2 mornings a week in almost identical circumstances, 2 years and 4 months old. She loved it immediately, to the point we decided to add a third morning which was the most we could stretch to.

In your circumstances I would definitely have pulled her out and tried again (possibly at a different nursery) in a few months. I’d have used the money for the cleaner to come an extra day a week, or maybe for someone from the Bubble sitter app to come play with him/hold the baby to help me once or twice a week.

My daughter is also two and recently started doing 3 half days a week, for two weeks we had tears at drop off but she was fine after that. The last day of week two she ran in without a second glance backwards. She has also never been in any child care setting. I’d say he doesn’t sound ready and would pull him out.

I echo the pp that say 2 half days isn’t much time to get settled. If there are different nursery workers/different combination of children each day then it may feel brand new every time.

Also don’t know if your ds still naps - when mine did half days I’d be picking up at key nap time so he was already a bit cross they kept him awake..

Whenever my ds was upset at drop off, I’d call the nursery a few hours later to check in - every time he was absolutely fine.

I had the same with my DS2. I went in to meet with the staff and watch him. I had concerns immediately. I decided to move to a different nursery and he has been going happily. It may be worth looking into whether there is something going on at the specific nursery.

There are 3 things here -

1. It's the wrong age to have started nursery for the first time. Both of ours went from 6 months and basically went in beaming and running at that age - but that's because they were veterans by 2!
2. Second - its the wrong length of time being spent for him to form any sort of bonds there, particularly as a late starter. He's not getting near enough time to establish relationships - so it is "forever unfamiliar" - rather than progressively familiar.
3. And third - the timing with a new baby's arrival having changed his life - is also not quite right.

All these 4 combined together have caused him to be this way.

I'd thus leave it - and then when you do start - make sure no other life events are occuring, and that he's going for more time/days.

My DD HATED nursery. We tried sending her 2 days a week when was 3 but it was a real struggle to get her to go (no baby at home, just thought it would benefit her). I was so worried she’d be dreadful in nursery class at the school but she went in 5 mornings per week with not a single tear!

I would pull him from the nursery.
I would then have a look at others settings and try them when he is a little older.

We sent our DS at 3 and he was fine going in, there is no right or wrong age, it's very much child dependant. But listen to him if he's been going for more than a few weeks and still this sad, pull him,

Just take him out. I put my boy in when he was 3 and I look back now and think what the fuck was I doing because he hated it; I still feel guilty about it now and I should have just pulled him out.

I'd pull him out I used a childminder once a week . It felt more one to one for my child and she would send updates and photos of what they were doing throughout the day . It may be a age thing as well as my son was just turned one and we weren't living through a lockdown !

Poor kid.