To not want dmil to exchange numbers with Ds's friends' parents?

[ExMex]

Mil is highly extroverted and loves talking to everyone. She lives in the US and visits us once a year for a month or so. She has met most of our friends and exchanged numbers with them. When she comes she makes it a point to get presents for all of them and to meet them. So far so good. I get along very well with Mil and have no issue with that. The only thing I don't like is that she insists on meeting them all (which can be awkward if we don't have time or for whatever reason don't want to) and she sometimes inadvertently tells them personal information about us. She is very helpful and generous herself but is also not above asking for little favours from them, which I'm not keen on either.

However, this time she's started accompanying me or dh to the school drop off and pick up. I'm quite friendly with quite a few of the parents there and have introduced her to them so now she chats with them as well. She said a couple of them have asked for her number now to stay in touch after she goes back to the US.

I know I can't tell anyone whom they can or can't talk to but am I BU in not really wanting her to have a separate relationship with them? These are ds' classmates' parents and we will have to spend years with them. Most probably it doesn't matter but it might make things just that little bit more complicated. I'm worried about crossed wires if she gives out personal information to them (there's no point asking her to keep things confidential. She just has a very different understanding of what is private) and I somehow also just won't want her to be good friends with them even if I'm not sure why. Maybe I am being super unreasonable?

I wouldn't be happy with this either, it's odd. I can't quite articulate why though!

Yes, thanks. I can't put my finger on why it makes me uncomfortable either, which is why is suspect I am being very unreasonable.

YANBU She's a gossip and will make things difficult for you. Dh need to have a word.

Don’t tell her anything you don’t want passed on, I had to point out to my OH that if his mum is telling us the things she does about his sisters then she will be telling them similar things about us to them. She’s a nice lady it’s not malicious she just feels like his sister’s menstrual cycle is information that’s fine to pass on 😳

She's not really a gossip. She just has a different understanding of what is personal and private to me. Also, it's not necessarily information that I don't want others to know but that I for some reason just don't want her to discuss with others? Eg when I'm ill or something like that. I guess I also worry about ds falling out with his friends and then her wanting to get involved (or the friends' parents involving her). It's just a hypothetical situation so maybe I'm overthinking it.

Hmm, it's tricky. Your DC's friends might not always be their friends so it could become awkward. If she hasn't already swapped numbers, can you just stop taking her on the school run so she doesn't have the opportunity to swop numbers or make more friends?
If they have already swapped numbers, what does 'keeping in touch' look like for her? Lots of people swop numbers with no intention of ever using them. You'll just need to hope the friendships fizzle out.

Crikey, shes overstepping in the worst way! She needs to back off and stop inserting herself so aggressively into your friendships and personal and family life! She sounds very 'forward' as my nan used to say!!! With someone with big brass balls like this (if you'll excuse the term), going subtle just does not work. Keep her seperate. Dont overshare activities, names of friends etc. Cut off her information supply. She doesnt have any right to be s dominant figure in your day to day life. She needs to get her own life and her own interests. Like you said, theres not much you can do about whats already happened and you cant dictate to the other mums that they cant be in contact with her. But in all probability that will die off as she goes home again and fades from the daily interactions. But dont make the mistake again of allowing her unfettered access into your daily life because she just takes over. I agree with previous poster that your DH needs to step up and tell her she's stepping on your toes and behaving inappropriately and needs to back off, tone it down and give you some space. She seems to be confusing being the gran with actually being the mum.

Really weird. If I were asked for my number by the visiting grandmother of my child’s classmate, who lived in the US, I would think it utterly bizarre! Why would I make friends with her? Are you sure she has been asked for her number by these people because it seems highly unlikely to me! She sounds pushy and overbearing, to put it mildly!

I have friends MILs numbers but that’s because they do the school run, childcare and play dates! Why would she want numbers of people she has met once! Weird

Also I think there’s no way the friends asked for her number, more like the other way round (unless they are angling for a cheap holiday)

Are you sure they have asked for her number? That is very odd behaviour.

I'm at the school gates. A school mum friend brings their MIL along on the school run as she is visiting for a short time. We chat as a wee group a few times that week. I'm not going to ask that women for her number. Why on earth would I?

Are you sure she isnt pushing herself onto these people? And all your friends she has numbers for... are they actually interested in keep a relationship going with her?

It happened at an old school of mine. A couple of super social grandmothers who were visiting from abroad. Lovely women, both of them. I’d have thought it odd, but when I experienced it, it seemed perfectly normal.

Are they wanting to chit chat once she gets back to US, with the aim of having a cheap holiday over there??????

I’d probably just be careful what personal info you tell her. She doesn’t sound malicious so I’d probably avoid an uncomfortable conversation and just don’t tell her private stuff.

I would drop into the conversation with school gate friends, that MIL collects phone numbers willy nilly. I'd say you'd understand if they declined passing theirs on and that you wouldn't be offended on her behalf.

I think there might also be a cultural component - it sounds like something that might be more usual in the US?

My dad was like this. It's infuriating but there is nothing you can do about it. You can't control who other people engage with and what they talk about. You can only control your own response to it. I minimised sharing information with my father as he'd offer it up to anyone, including strangers.

You can prep friends by saying MiL is over again. She'll want you to come to tea and follow you on Instagra, ever after. Let people know they might choose to keep a distance. And then just forget about it.

She isn’t doing anything ‘wrong’ it’s just her personality is making life uncomfortable for you.

So this is where you have to be more assertive. Don’t take her on the school run! Do not allow her to dictate which people you see when she is here. You need to draw the boundaries properly.

YANBU. She sounds very lovely but just a bit...much!

Some Americans of a certain vintage are like this - my uncle lives out there and over the years various friends and customers of his have visited my family when they happen to be in Ireland, and maintained contact for decades with Christmas letters, postcards etc. I love it, but I would feel uncomfortable with her muscling in on school friendships which you may choose to manage differently from her, or where she may be overstepping.

While I wouldn't be particularly comfortable with that, I do wonder if it's realistic that there will ever be any communication between them. People say that sort of stuff in the moment, when they're enjoying the craic and are a bit carried away. But surely once your MIL goes back home, it will likely fizzle out?

Yes, that's one of the things that concerns me particularly when it comes to parents of Ds.friends rather than just our own friends.

Keeping in touch usually means sending messages to ask how they are doing once in a while, asking about kids, exchanging photos. Harmless stuff most of the time.

She sounds endearing but I have to question why a playground mum would want to exchange numbers with the grandma from another country who is visiting?

It's definitely cultural to an extent and she usually only does this with friends who are from the same corner of the world (so they do have something in common. It's not completely random).

In this particular friends group we all invite each other's parents home whenever they visit but no one else exchanges numbers and continues talking independently of their children (the children being our friends in this case.)

No. They usually have some sort of link to the US themselves. She runs her own consultancy business and is very established in her field so sometimes some of them ask her for advice in that field. She is very helpful and generous but I don't think our friends are just trying to use her.