To not want dmil to exchange numbers with Ds's friends' parents?

[ExMex]

Mil is highly extroverted and loves talking to everyone. She lives in the US and visits us once a year for a month or so. She has met most of our friends and exchanged numbers with them. When she comes she makes it a point to get presents for all of them and to meet them. So far so good. I get along very well with Mil and have no issue with that. The only thing I don't like is that she insists on meeting them all (which can be awkward if we don't have time or for whatever reason don't want to) and she sometimes inadvertently tells them personal information about us. She is very helpful and generous herself but is also not above asking for little favours from them, which I'm not keen on either.

However, this time she's started accompanying me or dh to the school drop off and pick up. I'm quite friendly with quite a few of the parents there and have introduced her to them so now she chats with them as well. She said a couple of them have asked for her number now to stay in touch after she goes back to the US.

I know I can't tell anyone whom they can or can't talk to but am I BU in not really wanting her to have a separate relationship with them? These are ds' classmates' parents and we will have to spend years with them. Most probably it doesn't matter but it might make things just that little bit more complicated. I'm worried about crossed wires if she gives out personal information to them (there's no point asking her to keep things confidential. She just has a very different understanding of what is private) and I somehow also just won't want her to be good friends with them even if I'm not sure why. Maybe I am being super unreasonable?

Thanks for the opinions everyone. I'm glad I'm not the only one this would make uncomfortable. It's not something that I think is worth falling out about but I was wondering if I'm just being very insecure, petty or mean. Fundamentally I think I don't have a right to tell anyone not to talk to someone or pursue some sort of relationship so I thought I was being unreasonable.

Anyway, I know mil doesn't mean bad. She just likes to make friends. It doesn't bother me with our other friends really but I'm just not keen on her being friends with the school gate mums. I don't know how to avoid it though without offending her.

Well, when she told me today that they asked for her number I did kind of jokingly say to "no, please Don't exchange numbers" so maybe she got the message. Dh has had many arguments with her about it (making friends with his friends) but to no avail.

One thing someone told me: ' you can't stop people talking to each other. '

I do wonder if this is a cultural thing? Maybe she just is a very able networker and loves to have lots of superficial friendships. She seems pretty harmless, and I'm sure the school mums are happy to keep it that way. I'm chatty with the grandparents at the school gates but have completely separate and healthy relationships with the parents too.

Unless she does or says something untoward then you'll have to suck it up. Or visit her instead and nick all her mates.

See, I never understand why in-laws have the number of say their dil’s mum-how, when and why?

My mum was awful for getting my friends round once I’d left home, it felt weird and pissed me off. She’s also painful for making me talk to her friends on the phone, particularly if they’re not English and I speak their language. Drove me nuts and she’d get all annoyed that I refused to talk to them.

I think the jokey ‘Please don’t’, undercurrent of steel, is the way forward. Or don’t take her on the school run!

I would stop introducing her to friends and taking her to the school gates. I might be inclined to tell her that you'd rather she didn't try inserting herself in to your friend circle as they are your friends. Her spending 1/12 of your life with you sounds a lot. I wouldn't want a visitor for a month every year

How can you not understand that?

Of course you need the phone numbers of your child's spouse's parents. If there is an accident, you should be able to contact each other. If you're babysitting grandkids and doing the drop offs to the other sets of grandparents, you need their number.

I know on mumsent loads of women dont even have their husband's parent's number and dont speak to them but it really isnt weird.

My ex in-laws are divorced. They're obviously my children's grandparents. My ex's dad doesnt really bother with family or visiting so it is his mum who sees my kids and she takes them to visit both sets of great grandparents. She takes them to visit her ex-husband parents. Because they're family!

Don’t over share with her. We discovered the hard way that my bloke’s son and his wife are nosey gossips so we tell them nothing now.

I tend not to meet up with friends if I have relatives visiting, or if I do I go out and meet them rather than have them round the house. When I was down visiting my brother and his family my SIL went out for a walk with one of her friends. I didn't demand that I tag along and meet her friend because she's my SIL's friend and they wanted to catch up as the friend had been away. She maybe means well but sounds overly keen to insert herself in to aspects of your life that don't concern her.

Yeah it's a bit much, i wouldn't like either

As you say you can't stop ppl swapping numbers, but I can see why you're a bit concerned. I think this would really make me hold back from telling her anything -especially if she "over shares". Just don't tell her your ill, or what DS did at school, or anything you don't want any one to know!

I've employed the "keep myself to myself" for years, it's just less drama.

I have double figure of dc's. Never in my life have I had anyone's granny in my contact list!! Just bloody weird!

So mil did ask Ds's friend's mum for her number (the mum told me she did). The mum told me I could give her her number (as she had to run at the time of asking) but I kind of dismissed it and didn't give mil her number. I was a bit annoyed bit didn't mention it.

Now mil's back. We are going to meet the mum tomorrow and I just don't know what to tell mil. Should I tell her ok advance that I don't want her to exchange numbers with school mums? I don't think that will go down well. I'd also feel guilty because mil is being quite helpful and it seems petty to male a fuss about it.

Should I let it go and just let them forge a relationship? I don't really want to. They are both quite indiscreet. Besides I feel i owe it to DD to kind of protect her friendships from interference.

This is such a stupid problem and I'm resentful that mil is putting me in a position where I even need to think about shit like this. Why can't she just be like other parents and a bit distant. I know she doesn't mean bad but that just makes it worse. Should I just let it go? I hate confrontation.

I guess my question is, is there way of saying this nicely without sounding petty or confrontational?

Stop trying to control everything and relax.

She sounds a sweetheart and extroverted. I’ve met people only once and exchanged numbers. Some have turned out wonderful friends. But frankly, I’m pretty shocked by the reaction here. No one owns their MIL. She’s her own person with her own personality. Leave her to it.

Exactly this. I’m saddened by the over reaction here. The MIL is completely entitled as an adult woman to make friends wherever she goes.

Why can’t she be like other parents? Because she doesn’t have Low self-esteem with a chip on her shoulder. Goodness gracious, not everyone is uptight. Get over it!

Yes she totally is but she's also pushy and controlling (not that I'm not) and indiscreet but at the same time I totally agree: I can't tell an adult who to make friends with.

I don't want to have to keep things from her just in case she might tell others. I want to share stuff with her especially about the kids. I've already stopped telling her when kids or me are ill because she tells all our friends here and then they feel obligated to help out. I don't want to have to hide stuff from her. I'd rather she didn't have a relationship with our friends.

I had similar when MIL moved nearby. I told all my friends in advance what she was like (kindly and fairly, but honestly - she's extremely friendly but very judgemental and everything gets brought up about again and again) and warned them that if they befriended her (it was FB requests then, not phone numbers for me), then it was entirely on their heads and nothing to do with me! Some did, some didn't. Some did and lived to regret it, but didn't blame me. Some did and didn't regret it, but sent me sympathy and wine when needed! It's been about 8 years now, and fortunately she's found her own friends to keep her busy, so mine have been let off the hook..... Maybe you just need to pre-warn people and let them decide? Good luck, whatever you do!