DS won’t do homework- please advise

[Buddyofscomo]

DS is 13 and in year 9. Over the last few months he has absolutely gone off the deep end shouting, swearing, fighting with older brother (17), he even messaged another boy on Xbox attempting to buy drugs 😳. This morning in the car (which by the way I’m always ferrying him to school) I asked him nicely if he’d done the DT homework and he absolutely kicked off shouting swearing and screaming. Older DS inevitably makes this worse by getting involved and getting angry with his brother which inevitably means DS feel bullied and ganged up on. DS has so much potential and I sort of feel resentful to older DS that because we didn’t send him to private school I can’t now send DS. This morning it ended with me sobbing on my way home. To be honest I’m at my wits end but I can’t just let him not do the homework and throw his potential away as well as make us as a family look crap to the school. Any advice?

Such a hard age OP! What would happen if he doesnt do it- would he feel shamed at school and embarrassed to the point of doing it in future?

OP no advice on the behaviour issues, I wish I knew!

But I can tell you as a secondary teacher, they won't think you're crap. Its common, especially year 9 boys, for kids not to do hw and for parents to leave them to the consequences. Let him deal with it, you've told him to do it, you've given him equipment and skills to do it. You are not a bad parent and they won't think that.

I would advise calling the school and giving them permission to give him detention after school ON THE DAY that he doesn't do it. I would also give a consequence at home such as not picking him up after the detention (unless that's not practical) or changing the WiFi password and he has to earn it back etc.

Just know it is common and you are doing your best.

Hopefully someone will advise you on behaviour too! (Will be reading with interest!)

Sorry to read OP, I've had many a morning like this & it's horrible.

First of all this is obviously a notoriously tricky age and I would recommend doing some reading around the teenage brain / it certainly helped me.

Secondly - what else is going on? Why does he feel like he had to do or buy drugs? Bullying? Peer pressure? Stress about meeting other people's expectations? Struggling with the work so trying to avoid it altogether?

Thirdly - whilst sending him to a private school won't magically sort out his problems just because you didn't send DS17 private doesn't mean you can't send younger DS. Until you know what is really going on I wouldn't think this is the answer though. Private school is much like state school but with more frills and whistles - they still have to do homework.

Your older DS has witnessed this behaviour and should be mature enough to realise that whatever choices you make for DS2 are going to be in the best interests of the whole family. Speak to the current school - let them help you - education is a partnership between home and school.

In the meantime I would say that treating teens like this harshly never helps - I read something recently that really helped me with parenting which was working on playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy - PACE - you can Google it! It's something used in fostering and adoption but it's useful for when the parent child relationship is strained or disconnected in all families and beyond toddlerhood imo.

Lastly, try not to take this personally, the sooner you can step away from the behaviour emotionally, the sooner you will be able to move forward. This isn't about you - and don't worry what other people will think of you as a family. Easier said than done, of course.

This is a battle you to not need to have.

Let him face the conveniences at school , detentions etc.

OP, if his behaviour has changed suddenly in the last few months, I wonder if anything has happened (bullying/friends falling out ..) which is causing the change? Might be worth a gentle “is everything OK at the moment?” conversation with him - perhaps his older brother could help with this if they usually get on pretty well?

The homework thing I would be less worried about - the end of Y9 can feel quite odd as they are about to start GCSE courses, but not quite there yet. Very common for them to display their general disgruntlement by ditching homework!

Good luck OP

Consequence. Bloody no edit function !

Homework is awful. So many people hate having their ‘work’ life encroach on their home life.

it’s much better if he can do what needs to be done at school - either in a homework club or in a detention

id second a PP in telling the school you’re happy for him to have detentions.

I really feel for you OP. It sounds so hard. Regarding the homework - honestly at that age I'd just leave him to face the consequences. The school will have a procedure in place for kids who don't do homework and will punish him accordingly. You can't force him to do it and it's just causing you a lot of additional stress, when you're already under pressure. If it makes you feel better, contact the school and let them know you've done all you can and are facing real problems with his behaviour.

do not worry about the school thinking you’re ‘crap’. A parent who backs the schools punishments and doesn’t try and get their kids out of not doing homework constantly will have nothing but respect from teachers. Speak to the school and say you want to work with them, that you think DS does need a hard time from them to get him on board and you’re willing to support that. That is good parenting. Not this ‘well Billy had a football match last night and he lost so he didn’t do his English homework’ or ‘we don’t really mind if Sammy doesn’t do homework, he doesn’t like doing it’ or ‘my son won’t be going to detention because it’s not convenient for me to pick him up at 4.30 because I get my nails done round the corner and see my mate for a coffee and time it perfectly for school pick up’ all of which are reasons I’ve heard when working with teens. (Not a teacher).

Back the school when they punish your son for not doing homework and behaving badly. Reinforce at home. And maybe a word with the older one that whilst you appreciate being ‘backed up’ you feel that you need more of a measured approach. Could you frame it to him that As an almost adult, could he see his brothers behaviour as something he can help you with instead of it making him angry? And spend time with him alone also so it’s not always about younger DS and his behaviors.

there are a few things you need to address.
resentful to older ds because that means you can't send younge rone to private school? That is really batshit.
private school is not going to make ds want to do homework.

Talk to older ds, ask him to not get involved when you are talking about hw etc with younger ds, appeal to his older maturer side.
If you are talking to young ds and older one sticks his oar in, be firm - olderds this is none of your business, this is between me and youngds, butt out. It will take a few goes and talking to him on his own, but he must butt out.

With regard to hw, at this age, you create time and space, and you encourage and your expectation is that it is done, but if they don't do it, you support the school in its consequences.
Contact school, explain the issue and say that you are happy for school to enforce consequences.

I have 3 teens, and they all went through a low dip with school work and hw in year 8 and 9 and it improved a lot in year 10 and 11.
You are not a bad parent. You are experiencing the wonder of the teenage years (sigh)

You can't be resentful of the oldest one not going to private school because your younger son is a fuck up.

Screams in the car? Throw him out. He can walk.
Tries to buy drugs online? No online access.

Actually DO something other than wring your hands.

Perhaps, you could set yourself a reminder to ask him gently after school if he’s done his homework.
Asking him in the car, when it’s too late to do it, isn’t really helpful either.

Of course there’s no justification for him swearing at you.

Can you take him out on his own and chat to him whilst doing an activity? Is his father around? What’s he doing about his behaviour?

DS has so much potential and I sort of feel resentful to older DS that because we didn’t send him to private school I can’t now send DS.

I know this isn’t what your post is about, but !!! Don’t resent your older ds for something completely out of his control! It’s like saying you can’t send your younger ds for counselling, because your older ds never needed it (damn him!). You must see how weird that is. If you think your younger ds would benefit from private schooling or counselling (which might be more successful in getting to the root of things. The homework situation won’t resolve itself until the ‘inner demon’ situation does.), then explore that route. Your 17 year old is old enough to understand why, I’m sure, and to be grateful you’re doing something constructive about his younger sibling’s behaviour.

OP I have a DS in Y8 at private school and we're going through the exact same thing. He does zero homework, kicks off (shouting, swearing, throwing things) if asked to do it. He has end of year exams starting straight after half term and has not opened a book yet, so will fail the lot. We went through the exact same thing last year with his end of Y7 exams, except I took the whole of half term off work, to coax and cajole him through his revision. I didn't mind this too much as it had been a tough year with the home schooling plus he'd not experienced studying for exams before.

This year, he's been at school who have given him all the tools and resources, he just can't be bothered. It's difficult, but I've made the decision that Y8 is a good year for me to stand back and let him fail. I've told him the consequences of him failing his exams is he will lose his phone and PlayStation for the entire summer holidays - and I will see that through too. At this age, we can't do it for them, they have to do the work themselves, but please don't feel private school is a magic wand

I think that if you could afford private school, the money would be better spent on private talking therapy for him. There's obviously something going on in his head and you'd be able to choose the right type of therapist and see them much sooner than if you had to rely on NHS/Camhs.

At 13, this is between him and the school. You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink.
It doesnt make you look bad to the school. They have met teenage boys before. Hes not the first and wont be the last.
The issue here is he is disenfranchised from school. Full of anger and testosterone that hes not used to, and hes still seeing school as something hes forced into and his work is FOR other people. For his teachers, for you, for the school. Not about him gaining skills and showcasing his knowledge to help his future.

I think maybe reduce the pressure rather than add to it. Talk to him about whats going on for him. Whats changed. Why is he angry and unmotivated now?

If you're driving him to school, are you also picking him up? Because if so can you arrange for him to go to the library, or stay with the HOY, each evening to complete homework sent that day? Or drop him off at a library after school. To separate home and school.

DS has so much potential and I sort of feel resentful to older DS that because we didn’t send him to private school I can’t now send DS
this is awful. It almost sounds like youd benefit from reading the stately homes thread. This is toxic parenting as it sounds like youve created a scapegoat child and favourite child. And youre blameless. YOU are resentful of your child because YOU didnt sent the child to private school. Honestly, give your head a wobble.

Yes don’t feel resentful to older Ds that is not right

He is being good I assume and doesn’t deserve resentment

Also look at removal of online

At 13 I'd leave him to it. Make sure he knows that you'll help with homework if he needs it and asks you, if that's something you're happy to do. Don't bring it up after that. Whether he does it is up to him, and if he doesn't then he can deal with whatever the results of that are at school.

I didn't like school and absolutely loathed homework as it brought school into my home when I just wanted downtime. Especially before Y10 as some of it was pointless make-work and I could tell. I ended up doing as little as I could get away with and most of that was done during break/lunchtime and directly after school, still in the building (by my choice, not detention, although I had a few of those too!)

Shouting and getting upset when asked about it isn't reasonable behaviour at all, but it's possibly understandable in someone his age. I know that in his situation I'd be caught between lying and saying yes, which I'd feel bad about, or admitting I hadn't done it and then getting shouted at by a parent on the way to school, which I was already stressed over. An emotional reaction to the question might be a way of avoiding those outcomes!

some autistic children will not do homework out of school.
he's at that age. if consequences in school do not change behaviour then you probably should meet with school.
maybe he is not an academic kid. no shame in that.

things could chnage dramatically all of a sudden at some point. If not, well there is always college when he has decided he wants to work.

I said yanbu as I'd feel worried and frustrated in your shoes. I remember my DB having a terrible temper around this age. He hated doing homework,just wanted to play games all the time. Tbf he never really improved until A levels when he could drop the subjects that bored him.

And my mum icily saying to him, "you speak yo me like that again, you can walk." And then, duly, pulling over the car, turning off the engine, and making him get out and walk. It did him good to cool off, and also reduced the number of scenes when I was trapped in the car with them (DB frightened me).

The drugs though... that is a whole different matter. That would worry me sick. I'd definitely be speaking to head of year or form tutor for help and to find out if anything else is going on. Good luck.

He’s 13… he’s full of hormones and acting out… you need to establish boundaries and let him deal with the consequences
Remind him early the day before he has homework and ask him if he need any help - if he doesn’t do it, let school deal with it, he’ll get detention
mom fact, talk to school, say what you said here
school won’t judge you, school will be happy to work with you - school will judge you if you condone him “oh he was upset so he didn’t do the homework, please don’t give him detention” - that will make them judge you
”he’s pushing boundaries and refuses to do homework, I’ve removed privileges and keeps refusing, please help” - will get school to help you

because your younger son is a fuck up

Come on, he's 13. Fine to get tough on him but not many 13-year-olds are write-offs.

OP, if you think private school would help OP, I don't think you are at all obliged to not send him because your older son didn't go. They have different needs. As an older sibling I would not have resented this. Your older son won't benefit from chaos in the family if things get worse with your younger. Your younger DS sounds stressed, do you think he is being bullied possibly, or not coping at school for another reason? When you say potential, do you mean academically? Do you think he might benefit from a calmer environment? (Not saying every private school is that but if you found the right one maybe.)

Older DS inevitably makes this worse by getting involved and getting angry with his brother which inevitably means DS feel bullied and ganged up on. DS has so much potential and I sort of feel resentful to older DS that because we didn’t send him to private school I can’t now send DS.

I do feel a bit for your eldest DS - he probably feels he defending his Mum but sit him down and ask him not to get involved.

The resentment that you can't send your youngest to private is really odd and absolutely nothing to do with your eldest DS - it's nothing he had control over and frankly probably wouldn't avoid the HW issue you have with the youngest.

HW - step back and let school deal with or try and find a calm time to work out if there are issues and explain it's there to help him long term - is it certain subjects teachers.

Transporting into school - are there other options - more seperation bewteen home school by doing journey by self might help - or as PP say pull over and he can walk when he starts shouting - there are ways my DC can talk to me and ways I don't tolerate.

Drugs buying or attempting to would seriously worry me - and yes phone and internet access may well be withdrawn or earned back.