DS won’t do homework- please advise

[Buddyofscomo]

DS is 13 and in year 9. Over the last few months he has absolutely gone off the deep end shouting, swearing, fighting with older brother (17), he even messaged another boy on Xbox attempting to buy drugs 😳. This morning in the car (which by the way I’m always ferrying him to school) I asked him nicely if he’d done the DT homework and he absolutely kicked off shouting swearing and screaming. Older DS inevitably makes this worse by getting involved and getting angry with his brother which inevitably means DS feel bullied and ganged up on. DS has so much potential and I sort of feel resentful to older DS that because we didn’t send him to private school I can’t now send DS. This morning it ended with me sobbing on my way home. To be honest I’m at my wits end but I can’t just let him not do the homework and throw his potential away as well as make us as a family look crap to the school. Any advice?

Your older DS does not deserve resentment for any reason whatsoever. Stop that line of thinking right there. That's awful.

As for your younger one, as others have said, stop worrying about the homework. Speak to his Head of Year and explain the situation as others have already suggested. A child not bothering with homework will hardly be a new problem for them. Explain that you will support them in any sanctions they give him, including same day detention as far as is practical.

I have parented three teenagers now and we are out on the other side, but it is a very difficult few years on both sides. However, shouting and screaming at me in the car while I was driving them somewhere (anywhere, even to school) is something I would not have tolerated at all. I would have pulled over and thrown them out to walk. Fortunately it didn't come to that for me, but I know another close family member had to do it with theirs once. It worked.

If he is trying to buy drugs online then remove as much of his online access as possible. I know that can be a difficult one as some school homework (ironically enough for you) is reliant on internet access.

Back up the school after you have spoken to them. Step back from pushing the homework, even around exams and revision. Let him find that failure is usually the natural consequence of his actions (or inactions) and that experiencing failure is actually not at all pleasant. He may need that experience as a proverbial kick up the arse.

I wonder if having to get himself to and from school might also help with a bit of a separation as a PP said. He leaves the house and you each morning and that flashpoint of talking about homework, forgotten kit etc in the car is removed. You wave them off and they’re gone. Why don’t you start trying it one day a week, maybe even lie and say you have a work call that clashes with drop off or are going to start a gym class at that time every Tuesday or something. They don’t need to know lol.

Private school costs money, the expenditure of which will cause a drop in living standards for the whole family.

I was resentful as fuck of that growing up, even more so when my parents acted outraged when the part time job I got to make up the gap for myself cut into my own studies.

Remove devices.
Let him deal with the shit he's going to be in at school.