To tell him he can’t come round

[Beachbreak2411]

Had a date with a guy about a month ago; we’ve known each other for years and have been chatting for months. All seemed great. Somehow first date ended up being him coming to my house and me cooking (he turned up completely empty handed). He was quite pushy and ended up staying here the night. He left something here. Since then contact is sporadic.. either he texts loads.. or not at all for a few days. Tonight he’s decided he wants to come over, I said no as I’m tired and in crap mood / have early start tomorrow.. then he said he just wants to pick item up. I don’t want to see him tonight and I don’t want pressure to invite him in (he lives about an hours drive away). AIBU to say no?

He was quite pushy and ended up staying here the night.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This. Txt him goodnight!

When he stayed the night do you mean you had sex?

He sounds like a creep. I'd probably block him now. How long before the messages turn abusive? He's already being a pest with them .

This all sounds very grim OP. No effort on his part for the first date. Who turns up empty handed to someone's house? Then pushy, sporadic communication and now wants to come over for sex.

With so little effort and respect at the begining, do you really think this situation will get better in 6 months, a year. Send his stuff back. Tell him - there is no spark, you are looking for something more excting, then block him.

Could have told him you already have company!

OP - you really need to do some hard thinking....... Why did you even consider whether it might be reasonable to go along with this man's ridiculous demands. And how you came to let him push you into allowing him to stay over the first time. (I hope you didn't have sex!)

Why, just why? I expect you've been taken advantage of before though... Where are your boundaries? What has led you to have such poor self esteem to allow yourself to be pushed around and exploited by such a lowlife?

Please really think about this and do some work on yourself. There are lots of books about self esteem and boundaries.

Huge red flags here.
He's a pushy fuck boy who wants fuck.
Leave the thing, that he left on purpose to get more fuck, outside.
Tell him to pick it up.
Then block and ghost.

Call the police if he won't leave you alone thereafter.

Hey all.
yes i have incredibly low self esteem… hence not kicking him out that night I think! He messaged lots last night but I didn’t reply and not heard from him yet today. Probably will when he’s had a beer. Will deff not be letting him come in if he does come to pick it up. Will ask about posting. It’s annoying as things seemed to be going so well before he came round.. gahh men!

Tell him your dad and brothers will be coming round.

You really need to work on boundaries

Him “ending up” coming round and “ending up” staying the night because he wouldn’t leave should never have happened. You needed to tell him no firmly to those things.

well done for at least telling him now that he can’t come round tonight. He can either pick it up from outside or do with out it - post it to him if that’s possible.

I would then block him completely as no good will ever come if this.

Forget this dodgy, pushy man for a moment, let's deal with the real issue.

WHAT ON EARTH is going on that you feel you have to ask the Vipers for permission to refuse some random entry to, or even turning up at, your home?
Please don't feel I am scolding or goading you with this - it's genuine question.
If you feel able to answer it, the MN Massive will likely be able to give you tons of advice about what to do to improve your self-confidence.

This man is a boundary-pushing twat.
Here he is - recognise him ? - www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Jeeze.

You kinds dodged a bullet here OP, apart from the regrettable 1st date overnight stay.

He can shove his Tony Robbins audio up his arse.
In fact, he can shove an entire Tony Robbins up there - Robbins might benefit from being on the receiving end of unwanted sexual contact: it could be a refreshing change for him.
www.nickiswift.com/156298/whats-come-out-about-the-tony-robbins-scandal/

Your date is modelling himself on a boundary-crashing cultist.
Never communicate with him again. If he turns up tonight & won't accept that you are not answering the door - call the cops.

@Beachbreak2411 - well done for refusing to take his bait!

But now you really need to do some work to get yourself to a better place - mentally, emotionally, and in terms of your self esteem and boundaries.

Please read these books - I'm sure you'll find them helpful:
Women Who love too much
The 6 pillars of self esteem
💐

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, but this guy coerced you into sex and wants to again??

Please, please get some support to never put yourself in this position again. This was not your fault in any way, but please find a way to get some boundaries. This makes me so sad.

Resources & support OP.
You don't have to tell any of us here anything - you don't owe randoms on the net one thing.
Just like you didn't owe this guy anything - right? But he took it anyway.

But Mummyratbag is right - you seriously need to start educating & protecting yourself against men like this one.

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Yes, sorry, that was a rhetorical question. Please don't answer it, but this is how I understood what had happened. Please take care of yourself.

You appear to have been some kind of plan Bay where he can pick you up and put you down whenever he feels like it.

You are worth so much more than that.

btw @Mummyratbag my previous post was in NO WAY a 'pop' at you - I was wondering the same question, & you were spot on to raise it, & how our OP was manipulated.

Hence the Shark Cage Metaphor link, upthread, & the other links just above.

BeachBreak - you did the right thing posting here, your instinct to NOT cave into this transparently controlling arsehole is totally sound, & I hope you have a peaceful evening xx

@KettrickenSmiled no worries, but yes you are right the OP has no obligation to reveal anything to us.

Hiya;

yep you are right… pretty much coerced into sex (I was very nervous before he came round and had some wine.. and a bit more when he was here.. I told him I was nervous and he kept saying “don’t be nervous.. kiss me” and doing so. I’m 6 months ish out of a very bad relationship with him cheating and being verbally abusive).

seeing myself through others eyes is a little embarrassing but THANK YOU for being lovely and on my side. I don’t really have many friends here I can talk to about this stuff (I seem to be everyone’s agony aunt!) hence coming on here. ❤️

Nice one, OP. I really hope he doesn't insist on coming over tonight but if he does, you really shouldn't open the door to him. Put all the locks on the doors and turn the TV up loud!

@Beachbreak2411 please do not be embarrassed and please do keep posting. Whilst you are building your self esteem and confidence you may often have wobbles- us lovely vipers will be here to reassure you that your boundaries are perfectly fine and that you are doing well. One step at a time. Abuse is never straight forward to get over and often you have been conditioned to tread on egg shells so become a people
pleaser for fear Of the repercussions of saying no.

Don't be embarrassed please - this is all on him! Keep the door locked and don't let him in, he's an abusive arsehole who can't take no for an answer. You need a door between you. x