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Original poster

Is this a husband problem or can I not see clearly

43 replies

mumofbabies · 23/05/2022 12:07

I'm really struggling, I'm pretty sure I have PND.

I moved to a new area a few months ago and don't know anyone. When I was feeling better I really tried making friends, but it's just not worked out so far.

My husband is away a lot for work and basically of absolutely zero use to me. I am getting quite frustrated with him. I am constantly upset and crying and literally can't see any hope for the future and I really need help.

Money is not an issue for us at the moment thankfully. I am on maternity leave.

In any case, I just feel like he basically never actually suggests anything useful to help me. He just talks about how I should be more positive. But at the same time, he says how I really bring him down with my crying and moods. Yet he tries nothing to practically help me. I just keep wondering, what do I need to do for someone to actually help me ? For example, I had a c section and I've never once had any help since my baby has been born during the night. It's all completely on me. I don't expect him to get up when he's at work the next day, but perhaps he could when he's got a day off. He's come in multiple times, and seen me asleep with the baby in my arms. It's very dangerous and I'm ashamed, but I'm exhausted. His response - ' you should put the baby down before you fall asleep '... like I did that on purpose ?? My baby has reflux, so I always need to hold her up after feeds. She never settles. It's hard.

Anyway, when is he actually going to suggest some practical steps ? Why am I waiting for him to do it ? I don't get it. I guess I need some acknowledgment that it's difficult perhaps ? It feels like he thinks I'm just absolutely pathetic and other women manage and I just need to get on with it. I feel extremely resentful of him and basically can't bare the sight of him. He just annoys me. I can't work out if it's my depression or he actually deserves such a hard time ?

His work situation he cannot help. But still, I think I'm resending it. I think taking the baby and my older child away for a month at least to stay with my sister is the answer, but he never seems supportive of me going away. Even if it would help me. So I just resent him more for not supporting me in that.

Is it me? Do I feel like this because I'm so depressed ? I can't see straight.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 23/05/2022 12:12

No its not the depression. You are so depressed because you have no help and are fucking exhausted. Other women manage because they have help and their babies don't have reflux.
Yes, definitely go and stay with your sister to get a break. If he doesn't like it he cab help more.

onlywork55 · 23/05/2022 12:14

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time, I definitely think going to stay with your sister is the right thing to do.

Philisophigal · 23/05/2022 12:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

parietal · 23/05/2022 12:17

Yes stay with your sister.

Or hire a maternity nurse / mothers help to help out in the house. Having someone who comes to the house for 2 or 3 visits a week to put on laundry / entertain the kids and let you sleep could make a big difference to your life.

have you got a cleaner? are you trying to cook food instead of ordering take-outs? does your older child have school / nursery. If money is not a big issue, then spend what you need to get yourself some space to SLEEP.

Original poster
mumofbabies · 23/05/2022 12:25

parietal · 23/05/2022 12:17

Yes stay with your sister.

Or hire a maternity nurse / mothers help to help out in the house. Having someone who comes to the house for 2 or 3 visits a week to put on laundry / entertain the kids and let you sleep could make a big difference to your life.

have you got a cleaner? are you trying to cook food instead of ordering take-outs? does your older child have school / nursery. If money is not a big issue, then spend what you need to get yourself some space to SLEEP.

This is what I'm expecting him to suggest. Yet he never does. He doesn't want strangers in the house with the baby at night. So a maternity nurse is out at night time. I do have a cleaner, but it's not enough.

My older one is only 2 and a half and a real handful. She's at Nursery. But I'm home with both at the weekend alone and when she's sick ( which is often ). She's very demanding of course and I need to be there for her.

I think it would be easiest to go and stay with my sis. I'll have a lot of support there and company. I did it a bit when I was at the end of my tether with my first, but he wasn't so pleased about me just ' leaving him on his own to fend for himself '. Yet that's what he always does with me !

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 23/05/2022 12:35

You very definitely have a husband problem. I had PND, my husband did everything that he could, including taking a newborn for 3 solid weeks. He would never ever have said no to help we needed - for example, a night time nurse on the grounds 'he doesn't want to.'

Fuck what he wants! It's about what you NEED. He steps up, or he shuts up.

I've rarely been crosser on behalf of an OP. You deserve better than this and so does your little one.

BackOnTheBandWagon · 23/05/2022 12:47

What @JennyForeigner said and then some. He's making it all about him. Selfish selfish selfish arse.

SBAM · 23/05/2022 12:47

How would DH react if you asked him to have the baby from say 8pm to midnight and you go to bed as soon as the toddler is asleep? Not having any time to yourself in an evening is not great, but a few uninterrupted hours of sleep will do you the world of good.
my DC2 had reflux too, I know it’s hard.

my health visitor said that PND can be situational, so prioritise sleep, take vitamins, eat as well as you can and either outsource or let standards slip on the housework.

Badgirlriri · 23/05/2022 12:50

All through your post I thought why doesn’t she go to her family for support/a break. Definitely
go. Maybe then he’ll appreciate you when you’re not there.

cornflakedreams · 23/05/2022 13:00

He sounds nasty and controlling.

You're isolated, he doesn't like you visiting your family, doesn't want people in the house, declines to parent his own children, puts you down, and treats you like his servant.

Some 'partner'. Of course you don't feel good.

dottiedodah · 23/05/2022 13:01

You sound completely exhausted! Please just go and stay with your Sister.You dont need his permission! He sounds like an idiot ,you can be left with a toddler and baby and he mustnt have to fend for himself? Fuck that.Also TELL him you need some support during the night .Night nurse whatever .He doesnt get to decide You do!

KangarooKenny · 23/05/2022 13:04

Are you going back to work, and if so do you have a job there to go to ?
Is there any chance you could relocate to live near your family ?

Andromachehadabadday · 23/05/2022 13:05

He sounds like a dick.

Have you made these suggestions, to him?

Quartz2208 · 23/05/2022 13:06

Go to your sister and then after the break and you feel better talk to him about what you need and if not make it permanent

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/05/2022 13:12

Yes this is 100% a husband problem. And yes you should go to your sister. And figure out how to leave him when you feel able to

I can more or less guarantee he is the cause of your depression.

Lex345 · 23/05/2022 13:14

No wonder you are tearful, you are completely exhausted! Your husband should be supporting you to get some sleep at the very, very least. When possible (when eldest is at nursery) are you sleeping when the baby sleeps?

LannieDuck · 23/05/2022 14:49

He doesn't get to veto all your (very reasonable) suggestions for lightening your workload, while not lifting a finger to help you himself. Get a night-nanny. Go to your sister's.

Why doesn't he do any of the overnight work when he's home? (even if he only did it at weekends...)

Dillydollydingdong · 23/05/2022 14:56

Just go! You don't need his permission. It made me laugh when you said he did not think it right for him to have to fend for himself. Then it made me angry. What are you - his personal slave? You have to nip it in the bud now, OP!

Iamnotamermaid · 23/05/2022 14:58

He doesn't want strangers in the house with the baby at night. So a maternity nurse is out at night time.

Stuff it- unless he is prepared to start helping out at night get a maternity nurse. What does he think is going to happen?

He sounds old school- he works whilst you do all the childcare. His working day is 7-8 hours? Yours in 24/7 - get help if he won't pull his finger out.

MsMarch · 23/05/2022 15:05

You definitely have a DH problem. And I don't think it's just the "lazy ass" DH problem we see on here often. I think it's more. He is 1. telling you what a terrible person you are, running down your confidence etc, 2. Controlling who you see and when and keeping you away from your support network (also, this move - did it require you moving away from a support network and was it instigated by him? I'm guessing yes).

If he's not going to help you, then you do whatever it takes to get the help you need - whether that's a maternity nurse or going to your sister or hiring a nanny to come in for whole days at a time so you can catch up on sleep. And when he complains (he will complain) use that as a reminder that this man doesn't want to help and support you.

Also, have you posted about this before when it was just one child? Something about staying in a house far away you didn't like but if you went to your mums he was cross because then he was lonely without you and no one made dinner?

Original poster
mumofbabies · 23/05/2022 17:42

MsMarch · 23/05/2022 15:05

You definitely have a DH problem. And I don't think it's just the "lazy ass" DH problem we see on here often. I think it's more. He is 1. telling you what a terrible person you are, running down your confidence etc, 2. Controlling who you see and when and keeping you away from your support network (also, this move - did it require you moving away from a support network and was it instigated by him? I'm guessing yes).

If he's not going to help you, then you do whatever it takes to get the help you need - whether that's a maternity nurse or going to your sister or hiring a nanny to come in for whole days at a time so you can catch up on sleep. And when he complains (he will complain) use that as a reminder that this man doesn't want to help and support you.

Also, have you posted about this before when it was just one child? Something about staying in a house far away you didn't like but if you went to your mums he was cross because then he was lonely without you and no one made dinner?

I'm not sure if it was me that posted about that. Although the being lonely thing and no one making dinner, does sound familiar..

OP posts:
KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 23/05/2022 17:45

I'm guessing he was a selfish arsehole before you had kids eh OP?

Original poster
mumofbabies · 23/05/2022 18:08

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 23/05/2022 17:45

I'm guessing he was a selfish arsehole before you had kids eh OP?

Aw you sound quite smug don't you ? Eh ?? Like you're somehow happy about my situation?

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 23/05/2022 18:15

Please go and stay with your Sister, you need help to recover from the C-section. x

SunshineAndFizz · 23/05/2022 18:19

It's so hard in those first few months, especially recovering from a c-section too.

You need to explain clearly and directly how you're feeling and what he needs to do to help. He's being totally useless but sometimes partners just don't get it/aren't mind readers (in no way is that your fault and you shouldn't have to tell him), however in your circumstances I'd start by doing this. Don't apologise for how you're feeling. Ignore him if he's huffy or tries to make you feel it should all be up to you.

Tell him you're struggling and clearly state he needs to start doing xyz (I'd start with you needing a lie in at least once a weekend), don't just say 'you need to do more' say exactly what you need him to do.