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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this a husband problem or can I not see clearly

43 replies

mumofbabies · 23/05/2022 12:07

I'm really struggling, I'm pretty sure I have PND.

I moved to a new area a few months ago and don't know anyone. When I was feeling better I really tried making friends, but it's just not worked out so far.

My husband is away a lot for work and basically of absolutely zero use to me. I am getting quite frustrated with him. I am constantly upset and crying and literally can't see any hope for the future and I really need help.

Money is not an issue for us at the moment thankfully. I am on maternity leave.

In any case, I just feel like he basically never actually suggests anything useful to help me. He just talks about how I should be more positive. But at the same time, he says how I really bring him down with my crying and moods. Yet he tries nothing to practically help me. I just keep wondering, what do I need to do for someone to actually help me ? For example, I had a c section and I've never once had any help since my baby has been born during the night. It's all completely on me. I don't expect him to get up when he's at work the next day, but perhaps he could when he's got a day off. He's come in multiple times, and seen me asleep with the baby in my arms. It's very dangerous and I'm ashamed, but I'm exhausted. His response - ' you should put the baby down before you fall asleep '... like I did that on purpose ?? My baby has reflux, so I always need to hold her up after feeds. She never settles. It's hard.

Anyway, when is he actually going to suggest some practical steps ? Why am I waiting for him to do it ? I don't get it. I guess I need some acknowledgment that it's difficult perhaps ? It feels like he thinks I'm just absolutely pathetic and other women manage and I just need to get on with it. I feel extremely resentful of him and basically can't bare the sight of him. He just annoys me. I can't work out if it's my depression or he actually deserves such a hard time ?

His work situation he cannot help. But still, I think I'm resending it. I think taking the baby and my older child away for a month at least to stay with my sister is the answer, but he never seems supportive of me going away. Even if it would help me. So I just resent him more for not supporting me in that.

Is it me? Do I feel like this because I'm so depressed ? I can't see straight.

OP posts:

PussInBin20 · 23/05/2022 18:22

Have you tried telling him exactly what you need from him? Tell him what you want him to do. I know it’s not ideal but maybe he just isn’t that good at taking the initiative or doesn’t know what to suggest.

C152 · 23/05/2022 19:18

It's hard when you're depressed to come up with solutions on your own and, even if you can think of them, to have the strength to actually put them in place. I think it would be a good idea for you to stay with your sister for many reasons, not least that you can come up with a plan together and she can help you recognise what is realistic and what your 'D'H is just being a dick about. e.g. additional childcare (day or night), medical care for you to help your PND, a written plan (sad you have to do this, but needs must) of what he needs to do and when (e.g. if he works Mon-Fri, he gets up - at the very least! - with the kids every Sat and Sun so you can sleep in etc). These are just suggestions - work out with your sister what will work for you. Wishing you strength and all the best, OP.

MobLife · 23/05/2022 19:28

What conversations has your husband had with his workplace regarding his caring responsibilities and what adjustments are needed to (temporarily) reduce the amount of working away he does?

Is he around at weekends?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/05/2022 19:58

I was in two minds until I read the reason that he didnt want you to to away before wasnt because he wanted to look after you before or that he would miss you or the baby but that he didnt want to fend for himself - so, he thought you should be looking after him, as well as a baby.

Its rubbish that he doesn't do anything. But it's also strange, to me, that you haven't asked.

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 20:09

OP,

He sounds truly awful.

Pack and go to your sisters and for goodness sake sout out your contraception.

Selfish pigs like him don't change.

Iamnotamermaid · 23/05/2022 22:13

Seriously OP, pack your bags and head to your sisters. He has left you to fend for yourself and not lifted a finger to help.

Leave him a note and some ready meals in the freezer. If you are really worried about him 'fending for himself' you can indulge him & arrange online shopping to be delivered

gamerchick · 23/05/2022 22:26

Go to your sisters with the bairns. Tell him, when he's thought of a solution to the issues you both have atm and actioned them, then you'll come back. Fuck his fending for himself bollocks. You need to recover.

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2022 22:31

Please tell him what a nasty hypocrite he is, and that you are done with his approach that he won’t help and he won’t let you grt people in to help and he won’t do anything for you or baby then dares complain about having to fend for himself. Go to your sisters, get some rest as you’re too tired to think straight, and don’t come back until you’ve confirmed a night nanny, or set up interviews. Tell him he could have stepped up as a partner and a dad but he just criticised and fucked off, so you will be arranging your own help, he will be paying for it.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 23/05/2022 22:37

@mumofbabies Not in the least bit smug, just very sad and full of pity for you for putting up with it.

The amount of threads on here just like yours are so depressing.

You and your children deserve so much better.

Lou98 · 23/05/2022 22:56

It's definitely a Husband problem you have.

My Partner works away as well, we have a just turned 1 year old and I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our second.

When he's away obviously there's nothing he can practically do to help but since our Son was born he'll still always message me and ask how I'm getting on when he's away and if I'm struggling he'll be there to listen and offer support and appreciated that it was/is hard for me when he's away (he's away for 2/3 weeks at a time).

When he is home and off work he is very hands on, he does more than his fair share of the housework and we do 50/50 with our Son, have done since he was born. When he was still waking up in the night for feeds we would take nights each in turn when he wasn't working. He would also take him out for a few hours on his days off so I could sleep if I was shattered.

Your Husband sounds like he has a lot of opinions on what you do/don't do with baby yet isn't willing to help.

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him, let him know that you're considering leaving as you're not getting any help. Either he changes and steps up, or you need to leave.

I think taking some time apart and going to your Sister's is a good idea, it will give you time to think things over

Happyhappyday · 23/05/2022 23:15

I coped because my husband took 4 months off. I still ended up with PND and insomnia.

Sswhinesthebest · 23/05/2022 23:22

Stop waiting for him to suggest things. Tell him exactly what you need.

And go to bed when he is there. Leave him with total responsibility. He’ll get it then! Perhaps it’s time to be “ill”

HollowTalk · 23/05/2022 23:36

Get yourself and the children to your sister's and plan to stay there for at least a month. Talk openly and honestly to your sister and you might well find you want to stay for a lot longer than that, e.g. forever.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/05/2022 23:38

"Your crying and moodiness get me down"

"Yes they get me down too, they happen because I am married to a selfish man who doesnt care about his wife and wont lift a finger in the house or with the kids"

It really is that simple.

Go to your sisters and when he does bang on about having to "fend for himself" point out just what you have said here, that that is EXACTLY what he is leaving you to do and that he cant be arsed (use those words) to help you, you are leaving to be with someone who actually cares.

Oh and to the "well you had a kid with a selfish prick" comments.....they often dont show that side of themselves until it isnt a nice easy life just to two of you anymore, its only when the hard work of kids rears its head that the CBA attitude appears.

Original poster

mumofbabies · 24/05/2022 10:16

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 23/05/2022 22:37

@mumofbabies Not in the least bit smug, just very sad and full of pity for you for putting up with it.

The amount of threads on here just like yours are so depressing.

You and your children deserve so much better.

I'm sorry I jumped on you there. I read it wrong. My apologies.

OP posts:

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 24/05/2022 10:39

Yes, leave him a note but forget leaving meals/shopping for him! He's a fully-functioning adult who knows where the supermarket is. Selfish twat.

TwilightSkies · 24/05/2022 10:43

He sounds useless, selfish and like he doesn’t give a damn about you.
Being with him is like having 3 children to look after, not 2.
Go to your sisters and don’t look back.

EL8888 · 24/05/2022 20:15

@PyongyangKipperbang this!

Definitely sounds like a DH problem to me. He needs to step up and be more supportive

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