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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWUD

39 replies

Pixiedust9 · 23/05/2022 12:04

Hi everyone,

i am 30 weeks pregnant with my second child (DD) and have an almost 2 year old DS (July 17th).
I am writing this post to just ask for some advice regarding some family issues.This April I attended a family wedding with my partner and his brother and partner, during the wedding dinner I was placed next to BIL partner who I have only met a handful of times (they have been dating for a year.)During the dinner I had my son placed on my lap I looked over and caught her sending pictures of my son sat on my lap to her friends online (complete strangers who I have never met) with captions like "I fing
hate this child" " I wish I didn't have fing sit next to him" etc and complaining about everything little thing he did.I understand some people don't like children and that is fine but he is a very well behaved child and was sat quite content and was not disturbing her,I was shocked but didn't say anything and me and my partner left the wedding early.
We mentioned what had happened to BIL at the wedding privately and he sent back a very passive aggressive text to my partner basically telling him it was my fault for taking it the wrong way as it was a joke, no apology from her was given either.
I have not seen either of them since the wedding it is BIL partners birthday next month and we have been invited on a family trip away with them.I have declined but have told my partner he is welcome to go,I am worried about the backlash I am going to receive from the family as I don't want to cause problems but feel it is best for me and my son not to attend.
Am I being unreasonable for not going? I am wondering what others may do in my situation.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 23/05/2022 12:08

That's horrible behaviour from her. I think I would have asked what she was sending and why. Did you see the messages accidently?

I think I would have to say that seeing as your BIL's partner seems to have a problem with your son, it is best you stay away from her. Throw it back on her, OP. Her behaviour was nasty.

orwellwasright · 23/05/2022 12:10

What a charming extended family. I'd keep well away from her and, by extension, the BIL too.

Testina · 23/05/2022 12:10

Just how many messages did you manage to look at, close enough to read so many complaints about him?

And why didn’t you say, “is my child disturbing you?” or “I can see your phone, you know.”?

I don’t think a rude couple of texts mouthing off to a friend makes someone a bad enough personal to avoid forever. Just having a small child at the table can change the dynamics and some people are OTT in their dramatic texts to friends.

It just seems odd that you managed to read so many of them?

Testina · 23/05/2022 12:11

How was BIL’s reply passive aggressive?
It doesn’t sound it.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/05/2022 12:11

YADNBU, what a horrible person, I wouldn't have my kid anywhere near her again and if I were you I would have had it out with her there and then and told her to stop photographing my child

Original poster
Pixiedust9 · 23/05/2022 12:13

Thanks for the reply's!

To answer a few questions No I didn't say anything as I didn't want to ruin anyones wedding, and yes I could read her texts all of them as I was sat right next to her with her phone in direct full view.She would slightly tilt it to take the photos but then go back to typing again in full view of me..sometimes it's human habit to just look at someone's phone.

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 23/05/2022 12:13

Don't feel worried or embarrassed. She, and BIL, are the ones who ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Your DH really should tell his DB that he won't be attending the birthday party of a woman who fucking hates his kids and has yet to apologise for her behaviour. Let the whole family know that she is a prize twat and neither of you will be accepting her behaviour quietly for the sake of family unity. She could do that with one well worded apology!

Soupsetscared · 23/05/2022 12:17

I quite understand that you didn't want to cause a scene
at someone else's wedding.
Glad you are not going on holiday with this nasty cow.
How Bil can think it's a joke.

Original poster
Pixiedust9 · 23/05/2022 12:18

I took BIL message as passive aggressive, if it were me I would of apologised on behalf of my partner instead of trying to put the blame on them for taking it the wrong way after saying something nasty about their child.I would of then spoken to my partner about how it was unacceptable and then made him apologise.That is my reasoning behind seeing the message as passive aggressive.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 23/05/2022 12:47

F* that, no way would I go. Why spend time with someone like that.

SparklyLeprechaun · 23/05/2022 12:55

YANBU not to want to socialise with SIL, but keep in mind this is your DP's family, and they will be in your lives for a very long time. Is it really worth burning bridges for the sake of one incident? Are you going to skip all family get-togethers from now on?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 12:58

I wouldn't give a shit what anyone thought about me not going, and not should you. What a horrible bitch that woman is. I would never agree to be around her again.

KangarooKenny · 23/05/2022 12:59

Did you give her permission to take photos of you and your child ?

KangarooKenny · 23/05/2022 13:00

And no, you’re right not to go.

TempName01 · 23/05/2022 13:00

I can well believe it was joking comments to a friend, if she’s messaging complaining she doesn’t know anyone at the wedding and then sat next to- shock horror- a child, isn’t it awful haha I fucking hate kids! My best friend and I have children who we love but will still jokingly say we fucking hate kids when they do something annoying. She is an idiot but I would say give her another chance.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 13:02

*nor should

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 23/05/2022 13:05

If she was joking bil would have sent an apologetic message. Or she would have. Your dp needs to grow a pair.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 23/05/2022 13:12

SparklyLeprechaun · 23/05/2022 12:55

YANBU not to want to socialise with SIL, but keep in mind this is your DP's family, and they will be in your lives for a very long time. Is it really worth burning bridges for the sake of one incident? Are you going to skip all family get-togethers from now on?

And the SIL? Does she need to rethink her approach?

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 23/05/2022 13:20

I wouldn’t be spending any time with them

123cupcake4 · 23/05/2022 13:26

I can understand it being a joke if she is young and no experience with kids....BUT! it was really crass to take photos and do it infrastructure of you seeing. Especially as you are 'family'. Or could be family in the future. However I would have said at the time. Please don't send photos of my child to your friends and then said I'm sorry if he is annoying you but you might understand one day if you and BIL have kids and it is quite upsetting to see you do this. I will move somewhere else.

123cupcake4 · 23/05/2022 13:26

In front not infrastructure

Original poster
Pixiedust9 · 23/05/2022 13:30

No,I did not give her permission to take photos of my child.Yes I understand what people are saying I probably cannot avoid her forever but at the moment I am still annoyed at her comments,which is why I felt it was best for me not to go.
Whilst I understand it may have been a joke as I appreciate not everyone likes kids (which is fine) my son was not disturbing her and I felt her comments were not needed it also upset me that she was giving him filthy looks when he would try and wave to her.I am probably just a hurt mum as I do feel protective over him.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 23/05/2022 13:31

I'd say I'm going to give it a miss. As you know, X really doesn't like my son and I'm sure she'd have a much better birthday without a young child annoying her and me waddling around trying to keep him out of the way.

And I wouldn't give a fuck that it's snarky.

Testina · 23/05/2022 13:33

Pixiedust9 · 23/05/2022 12:18

I took BIL message as passive aggressive, if it were me I would of apologised on behalf of my partner instead of trying to put the blame on them for taking it the wrong way after saying something nasty about their child.I would of then spoken to my partner about how it was unacceptable and then made him apologise.That is my reasoning behind seeing the message as passive aggressive.

That’s still not passive aggressive. It’s just a different opinion. He thinks his girlfriend was just mouthing off to her mates and it’s no big deal. You do think it’s a big deal.

I would message her directly, “I know how you felt about Son being at the wedding, so checking whether your birthday event is inclusive of children?” If she says no, you’re good not go. If she says yes, go. Or, feel free to just not go, because you don’t like her.

Original poster
Pixiedust9 · 23/05/2022 13:34

We had a seating plan, and there wasn't much space to move around (we were at a pub in a function room) which is why I took him home and out of that situation it was easier than starting something with her at a wedding.

OP posts: