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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nothing from husband for my birthday

49 replies

DeliciousIrony · 22/05/2022 21:56

We're early thirties, no children.

I told him last year that I was disappointed that he never makes an effort for my birthday - I always have to plan everything. He seemed sorry, and I thought this year might be different, but today he hasn't even got me a card.

He knows that I've been having a stressful time lately with work and organising everything for our new house, so I'm really hurt he hasn't made any effort at all. I don't want anything grand, just a gesture would be nice.

Please cheer me up 🍷

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 22/05/2022 22:01

I'm sorry op. Happy birthday. I had one like that - divorced him eventually! Hope your day hadn't been too shit!

DenholmElliot1 · 22/05/2022 22:05

So he didn't get you a card or a present on your birthday? How did the day go - because I can't imagine not saying anything to my other half if he pulled a stunt like that. What have you done today to celebrate?

Solongtoshort · 22/05/2022 22:06

Does he know it’s your birthday, has he said happy birthday.

l used to be you, then one year l organised my birthday what l wanted to do had the best birthday ever, it didn’t include my dh it included my friends he wanted to come but l said no, l managed my expectations for the day because l was doing something l loved for me. Since then he has made a fuss of my birthday because he wants to join in.

happy birthday xx

Babdoc · 22/05/2022 22:07

You have exactly a year in which to dump him and find a new partner who will love and respect you enough to want to make you feel special on your next birthday.
The current chap obviously doesn’t give a shit.

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 22:07

What a twat.. My exh ruined my 40th..
He was an exh before I was 41...

Arrivederla · 22/05/2022 22:07

Have you told him how you feel today? I would be really pissed off with him. 😕

Shoemadlady · 22/05/2022 22:12

So let me get this right.
He did naff all for your a birthday last year. You told him how upset you felt and how hurt you were and even though he know how you felt he's done it yet again this year?
I think celebrating your Birthday is the least of your problems. The fact that someone who says they love you can disregard your feelings and not give a toss (especially when he know how it makes you feel) is a massive problem and something I'd definitely dump someone for.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way on your Birthday xx we're all sending you birthday wishes! Xx

Googlecanthelpme · 22/05/2022 22:14

So what has he said when you’ve been disappointed/ upset that he hasn’t bothered to acknowledge your bday with a throughout card / gift / plans etc?

it is true that some people don’t put much value or care much about birthday or other “anniversary” type dates. It’s not to say they don’t care about the person, they just don’t put much value on it. I am a little bit like that about my own but I do bother for others. For some, cards, gifts - it isn’t their love language and they might struggle to understand how others are bothered by it.

BUT, and it’s a massive but. As an adult, in a relationship, you have to understand What is important to the other person. What do they see as a loving act, do they care about birthdays? Would they value a thoughtful card or gift?

Have you been very direct “I am really hurt that you haven’t got me a card or gift” and if so, what has he said and is it reasonable?
Has he apologised for it?
If you’ve not been direct, why not?

Its not the present, it’s the principle and what he is telling you here is that he doesn’t see your birthday as important to him. Even though he knows it’s important to you.

It’s a sign of bigger problems imo

Workinghardeveryday · 22/05/2022 22:18

Happy birthday!!!!

shocking he didn’t do anything. What a total twat.

make sure you tell him what a twat he is. Make sure you do fuck all for his birthday.

no excuse here. Inconsiderate arsehole.

Noelsjumper · 22/05/2022 22:23

Did he remember it's your birthday but just not arrange anything, or plain old forgot? I'm not sure why it makes a difference as both are hurtful though, especially when you had a conversation about it last year. Does he like a fuss for his birthday?

Original poster

DeliciousIrony · 22/05/2022 22:23

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

He didn't forget - he wishes me a happy birthday first thing, and we had a nice day out (that I'd planned, as I knew he wouldn't), but by this evening it was clear that he hadn't bought me anything.

I have told him how hurt I am, and he has apologised, but can't really articulate why he didn't think to do anything - just that he's generally absorbed in work during the week.

We visited some friends 2 weeks ago who gave me a birthday card in advance, so I don't know how that didn't remind him to buy anything.

OP posts:

Deadringer · 22/05/2022 22:24

If he was my dh he would be dead. Treat yourself to something lovely and ignore his birthday when it comes around. Or give him a beautifully wrapped dog turd. Whatever floats your boat.

ThreeLittleDots · 22/05/2022 22:25

This would be a deal breaker for me. Hope you can pull the plug on the new house and ditch him as he doesn't seem to give a shot about you, and you should have more self-esteem than to put up with such shit-housery.

Of course he did this deliberately, to put you in your place and make you feel stupid and insignificant. Ask yourself why he hasn't helped with the house. What other controlling tendancies does he have?

DeskInUse · 22/05/2022 22:25

Well it certainly appears that your feelings really don't matter to this man.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 22/05/2022 22:26

So he remembered it was your birthday and made a conscious decision not to buy you a card or a present, even though he knows it would mean a lot to you?

It doesn't make him look great.

jenn88 · 22/05/2022 22:31

I have one of these!!!!!! Also early 30's!!
He genuinely isn't interested in anyones birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, valentines..... he also isn't interested in his own birthday, Father's Day etc!
I have just leaned to manage my expectations! I I say I want x, y and z that's what he will buy me! If I say nothing about anything I get nothing!!!
If I want to go out for dinner I book the restaurant!
If I want flowers for Mother's Day I help my daughter pick my own! They are always much more to my taste!!
I'm happy, he's happy! It works for us and we both know where we stand and my feelings don't get hurt!

SO224350 · 22/05/2022 22:33

Definitely don't get him anything for his next birthday. If he is surprised then say 'ah I thought we weren't bothering with birthdays anymore'

WombatNo12 · 22/05/2022 22:35

Is he no help around the house either?

My DH doesn't get me anything but that's ok for us. It's clearly not ok for you.

Thedogscollar · 22/05/2022 22:36

So he didn't forget but still chose to do nothing for you, no card no gift and only went with you on a day out that you organised.

This is to me shows he cares little for what is important to you.

Birthdays and anniversaries between loved ones are a usually a time of celebration.

I think you will have little to celebrate in life with what sounds like a miserable man.

5thHelena · 22/05/2022 22:38

This sucks and I'm sorry but I just couldn't get past my life partner being so bloody mean!!

madasawethen · 22/05/2022 22:41

I'm sorry.
This won't get any better. Can you back out if the house?
I was married to someone like that and it was terrible.

Mrstumbletap · 22/05/2022 22:43

I would be getting my ducks in a row.

If he can't make an effort on your birthday he doesn't give a shit. It's mean and cold hearted, unless he is romantic and thoughtful all the other weeks of the year (I'm guessing he isn't) he is shit.

PlumRedBllue · 22/05/2022 22:47

I was bought wrinkle cream, which smells horrible, like cake. Not vanilla, just cake. And it stings my eyes.
We both need nice presents

Iflyaway · 22/05/2022 22:47

This is why I love living alone.

we had a nice day out (that I'd planned, as I knew he wouldn't)

I don't want anything grand, just a gesture would be nice.

OP, wishing you a happy birthday.

Make this the year you drop a useless man who doesn't care about your well-being - at ALL! Not even bothered to show you that he cares about you.

You will run yourself ragged with such a selfish man.

Noelsjumper · 22/05/2022 22:49

I'm sorry OP but since he didn't forget, it sounds like he's prioritised his work over you. I'm going to assume that's why you are also sorting the house, because of his work? I imagine you also work full time too though?

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