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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nothing from husband for my birthday

49 replies

DeliciousIrony · 22/05/2022 21:56

We're early thirties, no children.

I told him last year that I was disappointed that he never makes an effort for my birthday - I always have to plan everything. He seemed sorry, and I thought this year might be different, but today he hasn't even got me a card.

He knows that I've been having a stressful time lately with work and organising everything for our new house, so I'm really hurt he hasn't made any effort at all. I don't want anything grand, just a gesture would be nice.

Please cheer me up 🍷

OP posts:

Eddiesferret · 22/05/2022 22:53

For his birthday.. do the exact same !

soootiredddd · 22/05/2022 22:59

If you don’t leave him before your next birthday (which is what I’d actually recommend), plan a day out for yourself alone or with a girlfriend and tell him “you never do anything for my birthday so I’m going to XYZ with Sophie. I’m taking £100 out of the joint account to buy us lunch and wine as a present to myself”

Suprima · 22/05/2022 23:02

He didn’t do anything because he doesn’t give a shit

don’t have kids with this man

OnaBegonia · 22/05/2022 23:02

Does he forget other birthdays? his mums?
Does he enjoy receiving gifts himself?

Hurstlandshome · 22/05/2022 23:05

Totally unacceptable to not get you a card. Especially as you have already raised this with him. Does he ever buy cards,for family/friends? I'm afraid if the answer to that is yes, I'd honestly be reconsidering the relationship. If the answer is no, then he just doesn't sound like a nice person.

Happy birthday to you x

GetOffTheTableMabel · 22/05/2022 23:09

The thing is, he’s not sorry about last year. He said the word but it wasn’t true.
A person who is actually sorry doesn’t do it again.
That’s what a real apology is; it’s an undertaking to do better. Otherwise, it’s just a word.
Are there other things that he says is you just to shut you up? Are there other occasions when you tell him that you are hurt and he just repeats his same crappy behaviour? If you said to him “why do you think I will keep putting up with being ignored?” what would he say?

Herejustforthisone · 22/05/2022 23:11

Threads like this make me very sad. It isn’t childish or grabby to want your husband to think of you on your birthday and to have a present to open.

He should be really ashamed. You’d been honest with him last year and he still didn’t bother and didn’t bother have a reason why.

I think it’s fair to deduce from that that he sees you as unimportant and not worthy of anything. Awful.

I hope someone made you feel a bit special @DeliciousIrony Happy birthday.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 22/05/2022 23:17

Even if you're a person who thinks Christmas and birthdays are a load of old hooey, if your partner says to you 'they're important to me' any caring person would take that on board and spend some time and some ££ delivering that for them.

Carreterra · 22/05/2022 23:22

I'm sorry about your DH's indifference, OP, you deserve better, like you say, you just want a gesture, which I can understand. My ex got our house valued on my birthday 4 years ago, deliberately to unsettle me, which succeeded. It was a turning point, I decided not to buy anything else for the house & planned my escape. Do you acknowledge his birthday? I hope things improve for you,

Bunty55 · 22/05/2022 23:23

If he knows it was your birthday and he knows you were upset on previous birthdays then why the fuck didn't he buy you a card? A card at the very least OP.
You need to ask why.

ManateeFair · 22/05/2022 23:29

Inexcusably shit. He KNEW you were hurt last year, and he decided he’d hurt you again. Vile.

whiteroseredrose · 23/05/2022 00:06

DH had form for this.

I have always made a fuss for birthdays - made a cake, bought balloons (even for DH!), gathered cards and a few presents on the breakfast table.

DH rarely even remembered a card for me because he was 'busy'. Fortunately DC usually managed something.

So one year I didn't bother for him. Gave him a kiss and a cheery Happy Birthday and that was it. He was really shocked at no other acknowledgement. No presents, no cards, nothing.

I said that he obviously didn't think birthdays were important because he never did anything for mine. Let's not bother with each other going forward.

Anyhoo - on my birthday a few months later there were balloons, cards and presents. And there have been every birthday since.

PinkSyCo · 23/05/2022 03:42

So even though you voiced to him how disappointed you were on your birthday last year, he again made absolutely no effort for your birthday this year. Wow, you really are vey low down on his list of priorities aren’t you. Make sure your next birthday is a happier one by getting rid of this thoroughly selfish and mean man.

SomersetONeil · 23/05/2022 03:56

He doesn’t really care about him very much.

I mean you can (and I’m sure you will) say that he does.

But, actually, he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Can’t even bother his arse, even though he stone-cold knows you will be upset.

That’s really, really not normal in a partner.

hamdden12 · 23/05/2022 04:50

I had one of these husbands and unfortunately the resentment got to me and I began to look at other aspects of our relationship and question everything.

Usually I'm not one to say LTB but believe me it won't get any better and as the years wear on you'll realise you've given your best years to a man who's selfish and will never treat you right.

It starts with birthdays and because you'll keep letting him get away with it he'll gradually start showing his true colours in other parts of your life together.

OhamIreally · 23/05/2022 04:55

Do not have children with this man.

Shoxfordian · 23/05/2022 06:30

He doesn’t care about you very much op; he doesn’t make any effort - I noticed you said you’re doing everything for the new house too- what does he contribute other than money? He sounds selfish

Original poster

DeliciousIrony · 23/05/2022 12:48

PlumRedBllue · 22/05/2022 22:47

I was bought wrinkle cream, which smells horrible, like cake. Not vanilla, just cake. And it stings my eyes.
We both need nice presents

You absolutely need a nicer gift than that!

I'm glad to know I'm not being too pathetic for just wanting one day to feel a bit special, that isn't just orchestrated by me.

DH does have form for being a bit crap with birthdays (not just mine), and isn't that bothered about his own; he always says he isn't fussed, but then again he knows that I would never let his birthday pass without any effort.

Our relationship is generally very good, and I love him to bits - the only real issue we've had is his default position of letting me carry most of the 'mental load', which is a recurring one that we've had several conversations about. He acknowledges this is selfish and things have improved in some ways, but clearly not enough. I suppose I have always enabled this dynamic though.

I've not seen him since last night as he leaves for work early. I've told him frankly that he needs to change and make this up to me, so we'll see what he comes up with...we complete the house purchase this week so no backing out, but still plenty to organise in terms of furniture and moving, which I'll be leaving to him.

OP posts:

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 23/05/2022 14:05

I remarried.. On my birthday. Double gifts now!!
Stop settling for being treated so shoddily op.

loopycurtains · 23/05/2022 14:12

If he's already leaving the mental load to you, wait til you have kids. It can very quickly turn to resentment so, if you can, nip it firmly in the bud now. (I tried and failed and eventually left).

ifonly4 · 23/05/2022 14:47

Happy Birthday for yesterday OP. If I were you, I'd plan to do something by myself on my next day off and while you're at it, treat yourself to something.

He has no excuse - doesn't take a lot of time or thought to pop into supermarket and get someone flowers and chocolates - might be unoriginal but it shows they care and have made an effort. If not a gift, him suggesting a takeaway as a treat. Next year, I'd ask him for an honest answer beforehand as to whether he's planning anything, because if not, you'll be going out with a friend or family member after work and buying your own present out of joint money.

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2022 14:50

Happy birthday op! Stand firm on it’s his house move now, unvalued wives should not shoulder the family load to spare their snowflake men. How are you for funds? Perhaps you have a few things to get to this week and he’ll just have to show his love for you by loving house for you. I’d pointedly suggest he needs yo show his love some way and if it’s not gifts and it’s not doing then you aren’t sure words are really enough to sustain a marriage when he isn’t prepared to back them up with anything.

popcornfrenzy · 23/05/2022 15:02

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 22:07

What a twat.. My exh ruined my 40th..
He was an exh before I was 41...

That's exactly what I did - I wasn't going to let him ruin another birthday/Christmas etc etc.

Fulbe · 23/05/2022 17:11

My husband forgot my first mother's day. Then instead of apologising he made excuses. I was eating scrambled eggs at the time and smashed the plate all over the floor in anger. What a mess to clean up!

I feel for you, you deserve better. Get yourself something really lovely instead, and spend twice as much as you think you deserve.

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