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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son's name

47 replies

MsHatten · 21/05/2022 23:38

I am putting this on AIBU although I'm not sure it's the best place ......

My DS is 17. A few years ago when he discovered that you can change your name (legally) it really captured his imagination. He had not previously expressed a dislike of his name but as soon as he found out that you can as an adult change it he became very keen. I didn't think that much about it.

It was a very big surprise that he suddenly has changed his name. The reason it's a big surprise is that we (me and dad) thought you had to be 18 to do it. Turns out that's not right and you previously had to have parents permission at 16 or 17 and had to be 18+ to do it yourself but that's now changed to anyone 16+ being able to do it independently of parents. I would add here that I don't disagree with that or have any problem at all with it. The issue here is not my son but by DH!!

I was well prepared and not really worried about the name change even if earlier than expected. Is it a strange thing to have to get used to .. yes. But that's his choice.

Here is the issue...... He always talked about changing his first name, what names he likes, what he will change it to etc. And yes he has changed his first name to one of those. BUT unexpectedly and without any discussion he changed his surname as well. So he no longer has our (his dad's) surname.

Anyway this is done and its legal and his new passport is even back .. so it's done that's that ..... The problem is my DH has taken it as the most deeply personal insult imaginable. He also keeps being actually shocked as if everyone involved is at fault. "Can you believe they sent him that deed poll?!" "Can you believe the passport office changed his name?!" "Can you believe the bank just sent him a new card?". Etc. Etc. The whole thing he seems to think is a conspiracy against him.

I have no problems with son doing this in and of itself... It's his free choice. I'm getting more and more annoyed with DH .. BUT it's not coming from a bad place from him - he's just struggling with it for personal reasons ...

That leave me well and truly stuck in the middle! ..... Can anyone suggest the best way to proceed?? ...

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 21/05/2022 23:42

Well- has your husband TALKED to your son about this? Why has he changed his surname? It's a bit of an odd thing to do

Original poster
MsHatten · 22/05/2022 00:16

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 21/05/2022 23:42

Well- has your husband TALKED to your son about this? Why has he changed his surname? It's a bit of an odd thing to do

Well this is exactly the thing. I think my original post was long-winded BUT the major point is like this .. son expectedly changes first name and massively unexpectedly changes surname

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 22/05/2022 00:21

Is your/Dh's surname in any way a "bad" surname, as in one that people make fun of, or laugh at? I can think of several surnames that I wouldn't like to be stuck with, but I think I would've discussed it with my parents before changing it.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 22/05/2022 00:24

Is the surname a completely random choice? Has he said why he has changed his surname?

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 22/05/2022 00:27

I mean there is not a lot you or your DH can do now is there? Just talk to your son and respect his choices. I can see why your husband is upset, it's a really patriarchal tradition and your son has veered completely away from this (good for him) but it will play heavy on your DH. He just needs to get over his own ego I guess.

gah2teenagers · 22/05/2022 00:28

It’s a rejection definitely. First name fine. Surname definitely strange.
Expect he also won’t be wanting any money support etc going forward as your name isn’t good enough for him.

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 22/05/2022 00:29

That really is bizarre. I'd say this is a massive rejection

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 22/05/2022 00:30

@gah2teenagers I agree with you.

JustAnotherMillennial · 22/05/2022 00:34

Was there any reason? I guess for guys, you can only change your name by deedpoll, unlike women who can change their surname when they get married (its obvs very unusual for a man to take their wife's name). I didnt particularly like my surname but I held out in hope I would marry someone with a better name (which I did!)

I knew a guy who changed his first name, parents were bitterly disappointed. But, I can see his reasoning, his name was technically a unisex name but growing up far more girls had said name than guys, so he got bullied.

Mamai90 · 22/05/2022 00:49

I'd be pissed off too if I was your DH. I'd take it as a rejection and I think your son might come to regret his decision. I agree with a pp, has anyone actually talked to him about why he changed his surname? Like for instance he's overweight and your surname is Lightbody that kind of thing.

housemaus · 22/05/2022 01:07

I can see both sides: DH's feeling hurt makes sense, but at the same time... it's just a word people say to refer to you, it's not the 1600s and you need to maintain the family name lest some rival house take your claim to the land, etc.

Unless your son has suddenly started behaving differently towards you both I think DH can safely assume the name change isn't a rejection of your lineage and more just... a teenager being a teenager.

I don't really like my surname, at all. I'm contemplating changing it (even though I didn't take DH's name on marriage - his is boring, whereas mine is unusual but ugly) just because I don't like it very much. Maybe DS felt the same? Maybe his new chosen first name didn't fit your surname as well? Maybe he's just being a teenager and trying to figure out his own identity as an almost-adult rather than as an extension of his parents and decided not having the same name would be fun? Basically, I get why your DH is a bit hurt but he needs to pull himself together a little bit - at worst, your son is being a teenager and wanting to be seen as his own person. And if I know teenagers, sulking about it and acting all hurt (or not using it etc) is likely to make your son double down or challenge it, which will make for a rocky time. DH needs to let it go - plenty of people don't have the same surname as one of their parents. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

whiteroseredrose · 22/05/2022 07:21

I'd be shocked as it is a complete change of identity.

Do you have a potentially embarrassing surname?

A work colleague changed his name from Condon to his mother's maiden name. Another with surname Dick was considering doing the same.

Happylittlethoughts · 22/05/2022 08:26

Your DH is definitely processing this by ' blaming" the various bodies in the process rather than your son.
This is one of those issues where the individual has every right to do exactly as they please ..blah blah ..BUT decisions gave consequences and real effects on others.
I would be hurt by his actions which are thoughtless at best.

JenniferBarkley · 22/05/2022 08:33

My kids are still little but I think I'd be very upset if they did this. Their names were picked for them before they were born and really it's the first decision we took for them.

Their right of course to change it, and I hope I would respect that, but I imagine I would take a while to wrap my head around it.

Has your son explained why he has changed his surname?

Confrontayshunme · 22/05/2022 08:38

When I was a teen, my mum urged me to make mistakes and failures but to think harder about things that were permanent (tattoos, pregnancy, addictive things). At least he can change it back pretty easily if he realises it was a bit hasty.

I think this is the type of thing that will take time to mentally sort out for all of you. My friend changed her first name as soon as she was 18 (I now can't even imagine her as anything but the new name), and her mum really didn't honour the decision. It caused a massive decade long estrangement. Just give everyone some cooling down time.

breatheintheamazing · 22/05/2022 08:46

Honestly I agree with your DH I think it's hugely insulting and id be majorly pissed off if my children did this. They'd get a right royal bollocking about respect and unless they changed it back no I wouldn't be forgiving them. Seems like the whole "it's his choice" is trooped out for everything these days and to hell with the consequences and how it might make people around you feel.

OneCup · 22/05/2022 08:49

It's hard to say without context but I found it a pain to have a surname noone could spell. I took my husband's surname in a heartbeat. I don't feel anything sentimental towards it. It's one of those boring surnames every one knows how to spell AND common enough so people can't find me online. I wouldn't care less so if you told me my surname will be Smith as of tomorrow,my child's Johnson etc. Surnames mean nothing to me. I know people are going to say I am by definition used to the idea of changing my surname as a woman but my husband had discussed changing his surname too. For some people it means nothing so I wouldn't read anything into it until you have talked to your son.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/05/2022 08:50

Was your husband this upset about the son originally being given his name and not your surname?

BowerOfBramble · 22/05/2022 08:51

Clearly not a decision made on the spur of the moment but I feel it deserves further (non blamey) chats with your son. Do you think he just thought “new name sounds cool” or is he showing other signs that it’s an attempt to separate himself from the rest of the family?

toomuchlaundry · 22/05/2022 08:51

Has the surname he has chosen have any special meaning to him, is it another family name. Has he now given himself a celebrity surname?

DolphinaPD · 22/05/2022 08:59

I think what the name is and why he's done it is the crux of this.

Why leave out the most important info?

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 09:01

MsHatten · 22/05/2022 00:16

Well this is exactly the thing. I think my original post was long-winded BUT the major point is like this .. son expectedly changes first name and massively unexpectedly changes surname

Show quote history

Yes but it doesn't stop him talking to him about it NOW does it?!

Original poster
MsHatten · 22/05/2022 09:11

Thanks to all for taking the time to respond :)

For clarification.... Our family surname is a bit of an odd one I suppose. It's not one of those names that's going to get laughed at a lot or anything but it's somewhat odd. The surname he chose is a quite typical Irish surname. My family are all Irish and my DS has actually become quite keen on the whole Irish heritage idea. But his reasoning for changing his surname to this is quite simply that he really likes it and he feels it goes well and sounds right with his chosen first name.

My DS I should point out as well isn't in any way against us - I mean there's no animosity or bad feeling or anything at all. He's a loving member of our family. He's a lovely sibling to my DD who he's very close to and takes very good care of (she's the younger). He's not a sulky or sullen person. With his dad I would say they get on well on the whole although they don't really have any shared interests. I do sometimes worry my DH feels a bit let out. My son is DS is gay (told us about 18 months ago) and with me, a DD and a gay DS maybe sometimes my DH can feel a bit left out of some of the interaction. My DH is massively into the football and is a bit if a "one of the lads" type I suppose and my son isn't into any of that (btw I'm not saying gay lads can't like football but my son very much doesn't). I just add that for context. I'm not sure it's that relevant to the name change I don't think my son had very deep personal reasons about not wanting dads name or anything like that.

I think it's just a case of some people place a lot of empathise and significance on a name and others don't. The meaning for one person is different to the meaning of another. I'm just trying to understand and validate both perspectives at home!!

Again thanks all 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
MsHatten · 22/05/2022 09:24

MsHatten · 22/05/2022 09:11

Thanks to all for taking the time to respond :)

For clarification.... Our family surname is a bit of an odd one I suppose. It's not one of those names that's going to get laughed at a lot or anything but it's somewhat odd. The surname he chose is a quite typical Irish surname. My family are all Irish and my DS has actually become quite keen on the whole Irish heritage idea. But his reasoning for changing his surname to this is quite simply that he really likes it and he feels it goes well and sounds right with his chosen first name.

My DS I should point out as well isn't in any way against us - I mean there's no animosity or bad feeling or anything at all. He's a loving member of our family. He's a lovely sibling to my DD who he's very close to and takes very good care of (she's the younger). He's not a sulky or sullen person. With his dad I would say they get on well on the whole although they don't really have any shared interests. I do sometimes worry my DH feels a bit let out. My son is DS is gay (told us about 18 months ago) and with me, a DD and a gay DS maybe sometimes my DH can feel a bit left out of some of the interaction. My DH is massively into the football and is a bit if a "one of the lads" type I suppose and my son isn't into any of that (btw I'm not saying gay lads can't like football but my son very much doesn't). I just add that for context. I'm not sure it's that relevant to the name change I don't think my son had very deep personal reasons about not wanting dads name or anything like that.

I think it's just a case of some people place a lot of empathise and significance on a name and others don't. The meaning for one person is different to the meaning of another. I'm just trying to understand and validate both perspectives at home!!

Again thanks all 😊

I apologise for my typos. I have a new phone and I'm not very good with it yet lol

OP posts:
DogInATent · 22/05/2022 09:34

Your name is something deeply personal, yet not usually something you have any say in. You get given it at birth and you're stuck with it. Combined with a digital legacy of adolescent experimentation on social media there is something to be said for choosing your own adult name when you come of age.

I haven't changed my name formally, but more people know me by a name that's not my name that I chose to use online years ago (to keep personal separate from professional) and that's recently started to spill over into the real world.