Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Son's name

47 replies

MsHatten · 21/05/2022 23:38

I am putting this on AIBU although I'm not sure it's the best place ......

My DS is 17. A few years ago when he discovered that you can change your name (legally) it really captured his imagination. He had not previously expressed a dislike of his name but as soon as he found out that you can as an adult change it he became very keen. I didn't think that much about it.

It was a very big surprise that he suddenly has changed his name. The reason it's a big surprise is that we (me and dad) thought you had to be 18 to do it. Turns out that's not right and you previously had to have parents permission at 16 or 17 and had to be 18+ to do it yourself but that's now changed to anyone 16+ being able to do it independently of parents. I would add here that I don't disagree with that or have any problem at all with it. The issue here is not my son but by DH!!

I was well prepared and not really worried about the name change even if earlier than expected. Is it a strange thing to have to get used to .. yes. But that's his choice.

Here is the issue...... He always talked about changing his first name, what names he likes, what he will change it to etc. And yes he has changed his first name to one of those. BUT unexpectedly and without any discussion he changed his surname as well. So he no longer has our (his dad's) surname.

Anyway this is done and its legal and his new passport is even back .. so it's done that's that ..... The problem is my DH has taken it as the most deeply personal insult imaginable. He also keeps being actually shocked as if everyone involved is at fault. "Can you believe they sent him that deed poll?!" "Can you believe the passport office changed his name?!" "Can you believe the bank just sent him a new card?". Etc. Etc. The whole thing he seems to think is a conspiracy against him.

I have no problems with son doing this in and of itself... It's his free choice. I'm getting more and more annoyed with DH .. BUT it's not coming from a bad place from him - he's just struggling with it for personal reasons ...

That leave me well and truly stuck in the middle! ..... Can anyone suggest the best way to proceed?? ...

OP posts:

cottagegardenflower · 22/05/2022 09:35

I suppose your DH feels his typical masculine outlook on life (football etc) has been rejected by his DS, his heterosexuality also rejected and now even his surname rejected. It's something he needs to come to terms with and understand. Maybe a chat to him to reassure him he is not the outsider in the family

felulageller · 22/05/2022 09:39

Your DH is being massively unreasonable by taking offence.

People have the right to choose their own name.

If DH wants this law changed he should write to his MP.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/05/2022 09:47

I can see why your DH is hurt and upset - I think I would be pretty gutted to be honest. And however much you try to tell yourself that DS is a teenager, and that’s what teenagers do - they’re immature, their brains are going through a massive ‘rewiring process’ that won’t settle until they’re into their twenties; they are pretty egocentric and can make impulsive decisions without thinking them through with any awareness of how others might feel - it still hurts.

Has your DS sat down with your DH to talk through why he’s done what he’s done? Does he have any awareness of how his actions have impacted his father? If your DH is already feeling left out, can your son understand how his rejecting his name as well might make him feel?

Of course your DS has the right to make the choices he wants to make. But there are ways of handling those choices and I don’t think he’s shown a lot of consideration, sensitivity or kindness here, which is what would disappoint me most if he were my child.

HeddaGarbled · 22/05/2022 09:49

Your DH is being massively unreasonable by taking offence

I don’t agree. I think he’s hurt.

It’s done now. Nothing you can do, OP, except be kind. He’ll stop going on about it once the novelty wears off.

edenhills · 22/05/2022 09:56

I know a couple of men that changed their surname when they got married. Both of them had terrible childhoods and relationships with their fathers. This is obviously completely different to your son's reasons but you need to sit him down and make him realise how this comes across. Remember he is only 17, he is probably completely clueless to how this is making your DH feel. My dad was upset when I changed surname when I got married and I was a thirty year old woman. Tell him he doesn't have to change his name back but he needs to make a big gesture to heal the damage he has done. Maybe he could invite DH away for the weekend or to a concert? He could find a lovely picture of the two of them from his childhood and have it framed?

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/05/2022 10:05

I dont see the big deal and dont understand the replies saying they would be hurt - yet some expect women to do this simply to follow tradition. Why is her name disposable and his not?

Terrible double standards

Testina · 22/05/2022 10:19

I am really surprised that more than one person has said your husband is reasonable!

I couldn’t listen to his bleating without telling him I was bored now thank you.

It’s hardly shocking that if a person plays with their name, they’re going to play with the whole thing. Why not?!

I recommend you say to him, “your reaction has brought to the surface just how much I regret just feeling I was supposed to take your name when we married, so I’m going back to mine.”

See how he likes them eggs.

Coord · 22/05/2022 10:52

I don't see the big deal in changing a surname. I dislike my surname, it's ugly. I would change it but don't wish to offend my dad as I know he would hit the roof (I'm in my 50s so a bit more aware of offence than a teenager).

When he is no longer with us though, I'll change it. I have no intention of getting married and so changing it that way, or keeping a surname I don't like for longer than I have to.

HeddaGarbled · 22/05/2022 10:57

If it’s OK for the son to feel what he feels, then it’s OK for the dad to feel what he feels too.

There’s a difference between feelings and actions, and the dad isn’t acting wrongly.

Dismissing and mocking his feelings because you don’t think he should have them, is not very empathetic.

JenniferBarkley · 22/05/2022 11:01

I am really surprised that more than one person has said your husband is reasonable!

It's not so much that I think he's reasonable, as I think his upset is understandable, and we can all be prone to unreasonableness when we're upset.

Hopefully they'll find their way.

Mischance · 22/05/2022 11:02

Better that than getting covered in tattoos that you are stuck with for life. He can change his name to something else later if he chooses to do so.

He is establishing his identity by coming out as gay and celebrating that my taking on a name that he likes.

I think your OH needs to try and celebrate his decision with him - his attitude is pretty archaic really and harks back to the days when women and children were chattels.

Well done your son!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/05/2022 17:59

I see from your updates that it seems your son has definitely not done this as a personal insult towards your DH, but your DH is obviously struggling with it nonetheless,and he is is probably also still struggling to come to terms with him being gay, which obviously your son should make no apologies for of course.
On the name change thing I think your son has been a little selfish and not considered the hurt he might cause,and perhaps could have a chat with his dad and reassure him?

PinkSyCo · 22/05/2022 18:49

I don’t blame your DH for being perplexed at all! Changing your surname might be easy to do but I think it sends out quite a powerful message, and if your DS doesn’t realise that then it shows that they should have never changed the law to allow kids of his age to take such a step.

StoneofDestiny · 22/05/2022 18:56

I wouldn't see it as a rejection. It's just a name. Not his genes.

ElenaSt · 22/05/2022 19:02

Poor dad! He's probably feeling emotional in that his son isn't a man's man and they don't have the shared football interest and now his son doesn't even want the same surname.

Very I sent ice of your son to change the surname.

motogirl · 22/05/2022 19:07

I do understand your husband's point of view. I would really struggle too. My dd likes to use her middle name thankfully so isn't going to change it but had mentioned that if I change my surname she might too (I'm divorcing) she actually thought I was odd not changing mine (I'm not too much hassle) but I explained how much it would upset her father so she's agreed to keep his name until marriage at least

MadMadMadamMim · 22/05/2022 19:14

I understand your son wanting to change his Christian name. I think most of us go through periods of thinking, I'd like to be called Madeleine, rather than Edna, for eg. Sometimes people just don't feel like a 'David' or whatever name their parents chose for them.

I think changing his surname, to what sounds like a random 'Irish' one is peculiar to be honest. Surnames are family names. They link you to your family, and to your heritage. Decide you'll pick something completely different is odd and a little insulting. If your family has Irish heritage then why hasn't he chosen your grandfather's surname, for eg? I'm assuming he's just decided he feels 'Irish' and has decided to call himself O'Malley and that's it.

I'd be having a conversation with him about why he picked this particular surname, what meaning it has for him and whether he can see that his father now feels utterly rejected.

Minimalme · 22/05/2022 22:16

I wonder if your surname is a burden though op? You describe it as 'a bit odd' and 'not laughed at much'. Does that mean that it is sometimes laughed at?

I keep thinking of a friend of mine who had a lovely surname and took her husband's surname, which was 'Titman'.

I would never have said it, but privately I always wondered why she did it and gave her two sons such an embarrassing surname.

Noelsjumper · 22/05/2022 22:43

Random thought here but is this like a fresh start for your son now he's openly gay, so a new identity for him? I can understand both sides and your husband is probably struggling to reconcile the child he thought he would have / has had / now has? Did he have dreams of taking his boy to the football together etc etc, and now he has this whole new son who he struggles to understand/connect with properly?

BerkyWithTheGoodHair · 22/05/2022 22:48

It's not usual, obviously. But it's not really up there with the heinous things that's kids can do.
I feel like a little bit of the picture clicked into place when you said he has recently come out, to me it says that he's trying to find his 'place' and his identity, and trying to control the terms a little - which is fair enough.
He may come to think he did the wrong thing or he may regard it as the best decision he ever made but that's up to him.
I think the best you can do is see him as the whole person and son you love and completely disregard what his passport and bank card say.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 22/05/2022 22:54

It is a rejection of family for sure even if he didn’t mean it that way.

wellhelloitsme · 22/05/2022 23:05

My son is DS is gay (told us about 18 months ago) and with me, a DD and a gay DS maybe sometimes my DH can feel a bit left out of some of the interaction. My DH is massively into the football and is a bit if a "one of the lads" type I suppose and my son isn't into any of that (btw I'm not saying gay lads can't like football but my son very much doesn't). I just add that for context.

Maybe your son has felt rejected by his dad over the years on some level, feeling his disappointment that he isn't the son he expected. It must be hurtful to grow up feeling that way and it's worth your DH considering whether that may have contributed to this decision (or at least made him less likely to see it as something hurtful towards your DH) and what he could do now to build bridges.

Your son isn't into what your DH is into, so your DH struggles to connect? What's your son into? What's your DD into? Has your DH made genuine efforts to connect with them via their interests or just felt 'left out' but done nothing about it if it means having to get out of his comfort zone?

Flip

1 2