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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Life after DH's life saving surgery

35 replies

emmie69 · 21/05/2022 17:31

My DH has had surgery which has no doubt saved his life and whilst I'm very grateful that he is still here, he is now very limited in what he can do. We used to lead a very active life and I'm struggling to come to terms with not doing the things we used to do such as long walks, weekends away etc. I'm contemplating whether it is right for me to start joining a social group and do somethings alone. He can look after himself at home as he does when I go out to work but I can't help feeling guilty going out doing the things he used to enjoy but can no longer do.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 21/05/2022 17:33

You are not being unreasonable to have a social life outside of your husband.

bigbluebus · 21/05/2022 17:38

Only you can gauge how your DH will feel about that. I haven't been in your situation but I would think that a mixture of finding new things that you can do with your DH (even if that's only to drive to the beach/ a beauty spot and admire the view from the car with a picnic) and joining groups to continue to do the activities that you enjoy.
I'm a member of a walking group and we have a number of members who come alone as their partner's health precludes them from walking.

Metalandtea · 21/05/2022 17:40

Does he have a wheelchair? My husband has one due to a spinal injury and although there are limitations for sure, we have been abroad, done lots of days out with the kids etc. He has off-road wheels too which helps. I’m disabled too so we have had to work to accommodate both of our really bad days. But we still have fun together. It just takes more planning than it would for an able bodied person. But no reason you shouldn’t enjoy doing things by yourself too.

Idhatetolookintothoseeyes · 21/05/2022 17:44

My DH had live saving surgery several years ago, leaving him disabled. Our/his life has changed beyond all recognition.

he gets depressed enough that he is stuck at home when I go out to work. I imagine if I then started going out enjoying life without him, leaving him alone even longer, he would wonder why he bothered having life saving surgery at all, he has already asked if it was the right thing to do.

can you find something for you both to do first and then join something separately for yourself?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 21/05/2022 17:46

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Once life is a bit clearer in what he can or cannot do, he may well want to try other hobbies which you may not be able or want to do too. There is nothing wrong in couples having different hobbies. Eg Dh loves the cinema, whilst I love the time alone to practise my flute. You can still do things you both want to do together, even if you may have to adapt.

picklemewalnuts · 21/05/2022 17:48

Can you find things he wants to do and facilitate that, and then add in the things you want to do? Presumably you've more energy than him, so he'll want some recovery time. That gives you the opportunity to go out elsewhere.

greatblueheron · 21/05/2022 17:50

Unless you want your health and mental well being to deteriorate, too, then you need to stay active if you can. You can. And you should.

ShinyHatStand · 21/05/2022 17:57

What would you want him to do if the situation were reversed?

Ferngreen · 21/05/2022 17:59

I would say he really needs to find a hobby he can do despite his health issues.
Can he birdwatch , join a wildlife group and record local plants and insects (by wheelchair) , make things - kits/ models, etc

Original poster
emmie69 · 21/05/2022 18:02

He is mobile but just gets very tired so doesn't have much stamina. Anything I've suggested we could do together, he's not interested in. He says he's fine and grateful to still be here which makes me think I should feel the same. It just feels very selfish of me to go out and enjoy life when he can't.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 21/05/2022 18:03

Is this the status quo now OP or will he be able to do things again in the future? It’s a hard one for sure. However, it doesn’t mean your life is over. Are there any he could join now? X

Original poster
emmie69 · 21/05/2022 18:05

Ferngreen · 21/05/2022 17:59

I would say he really needs to find a hobby he can do despite his health issues.
Can he birdwatch , join a wildlife group and record local plants and insects (by wheelchair) , make things - kits/ models, etc

Yes, he does have hobbies which he can do at home. He likes birdwatching and he tinkers with things at home but I'm really struggling stuck at home all the time except for going to work.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/05/2022 18:05

How long ago was his surgery? Was it a sudden life change or after a period of I’ll health? Have either of you had it considered counselling?

underneathleaf · 21/05/2022 18:08

How old are you both?

BronwenFrideswide · 21/05/2022 18:11

emmie69 · 21/05/2022 18:02

He is mobile but just gets very tired so doesn't have much stamina. Anything I've suggested we could do together, he's not interested in. He says he's fine and grateful to still be here which makes me think I should feel the same. It just feels very selfish of me to go out and enjoy life when he can't.

It's not selfish of you and it doesn't seem as if your husband thinks it is either, he sounds like he wants you to enjoy your life. Do what you can do together and do what you would like to do separately it will give you both other things to talk about. You are not planning to be out every night of the week and all day and night at the weekends are you.

Daenerys77 · 21/05/2022 18:12

You are not morally obliged to give up everything you like doing just because your husband can't do it. If your situations were reversed, would you begrudge him a day out or a weekend away?

Original poster
emmie69 · 21/05/2022 18:12

NoSquirrels · 21/05/2022 18:05

How long ago was his surgery? Was it a sudden life change or after a period of I’ll health? Have either of you had it considered counselling?

It was cancer surgery so was a fairly sudden change. I would consider counselling, I don't think he would be interested in it though. Keeps telling me he's fine and just happy to be alive.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2022 18:13

I cannot do much due to ill health. Dh has friends he sees and a hobby, he takes dd places, which I organise but sadly can’t go most of the time. YANBU. Please don’t pay attention to anyone, who thinks YABU as they possibly don’t appreciate what it is to be married to someone, who has limited energy. Obviously it’s rubbish for me. But I can’t expect everyone to dance to my very limited tune.

AlternativePerspective · 21/05/2022 18:13

You’re not unreasonable for wanting a life outside of your relationship with your DH.

What I would say though is that it depends on where you’re at now, how long has it been since your dh’s surgery? What is his prognosis going forward, etc?

If you’ve been like this for some time then it’s understandable that you want to start getting out. If however he came out of hospital last week then it seems a bit insensitive to start planning your social life away from him already. Iyswim.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 21/05/2022 18:14

greatblueheron · 21/05/2022 17:50

Unless you want your health and mental well being to deteriorate, too, then you need to stay active if you can. You can. And you should.

Definitely this, I can imagine resentment would be a possibility if you completely curtail your life to match his.

motogirl · 21/05/2022 18:14

How long is it, would he be interested in investigating ways to be able to do the things you shared albeit in a different way. All terrain wheelchairs, horse riding, jeep safaris, a camper van rather than tent are all worth investigating and there are charitable trusts that can lend equipment to see what works and other who provide grants. My friend camps, goes to national parks etc despite being in an electric wheelchair but took her a while to accept this

AlternativePerspective · 21/05/2022 18:16

Also from the other side, I have a serious heart condition and for around 2.5 years I was barely able to leave the house. As a result my DP did most things without me. After I had surgery and my quality of life improved, I felt a bit like I would be intruding on his life if I started going out with him, because by then he was used to doing things without me. Iyswim.

NoSquirrels · 21/05/2022 18:18

If he’s telling you he’s happy then I think you shouldn’t second-guess him. Be honest as possible with each other. Find different ways of connecting, spending time together. My mum had life-limiting cancer for the best part of a decade and she and my dad had to adapt to a changed way of life. They just eventually got into a groove of doing different things.

Get some counselling for yourself. Keep an eye on your husband and mention him trying it if it looks like he’s struggling. Flowers

pointythings · 21/05/2022 18:20

It sounds as if he is still busy coming to terms with the fact that he is now limited in what he can do - and the result is that he is limiting himself and you. It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that you have new and narrower limits to your life, but it does have to be done. You may both benefit from counselling, but you can't force him to go.

My DD's hea;th has been deteriorating steadily for some time, no diagnosis yet. It's tough. But the moment she conceded that she did need a wheelchair, a lot of things opened up to her again and she got a chunk of possibilities back again. Getting there was the hard part. I hope you and your DH reach a resolution that gives you both the best possible future.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 21/05/2022 18:20

He sounds happy just enjoying being her and in the moment. Perhaps you feel like you would be rubbing his nose in it, if you went out and did something reminiscent of your old lives together? (You mentioned walking and possibly joining a rambling group). Is this perhaps more about your ‘guilt’ at being ok and able to do things, compared to the situation your husband no finds himself in? If so, perhaps try some counselling on your own as well as talking to your husband. You’ve been through a traumatic time too. Cancer doesn’t affect just one person.