Life after DH's life saving surgery

[emmie69]

My DH has had surgery which has no doubt saved his life and whilst I'm very grateful that he is still here, he is now very limited in what he can do. We used to lead a very active life and I'm struggling to come to terms with not doing the things we used to do such as long walks, weekends away etc. I'm contemplating whether it is right for me to start joining a social group and do somethings alone. He can look after himself at home as he does when I go out to work but I can't help feeling guilty going out doing the things he used to enjoy but can no longer do.

You also have one life. One precious chance at this, no one is guaranteed a tomorrow.

Love isn't making someone suffer the same misfortune. That isn't callous, you both need to find your new path and grieve for what you have lost.

Three years ago I was an active retiree. Sailing and planning to build a boat.
With DW that summer we drove down the Loire.
Then major health problem, then Pandemic, I am shadow in comparison.
We talked this morning, persuading DW to go to France with DD or one of her buddies.

I would be upset if she felt it necessary to stay with me.

pm me if you would like to.

Have you talked to him about it? He says he's just happy to be alive and of course that is fantastic but its not just his life its majorly impacted, ask him if he would mind if you went and did some of the thing you both used to do together. Explain that you feel guilty but also don't want to stop doing them and ask him to be honest with you about his feelings. You might be able to reach a compromise so that you both do something you enjoy / incorporate his hobby into one of your days out etc

It's a balance I think. Having been on the other side of illness which meant extended periods of doing pretty much nothing, of course I wanted my husband to go out and have fun. But its human nature to also be a bit upset and think 'I wish I was able to do that/ it's not fair', which isn't directed at him, and I knew it was my problem to deal with, but I would be like 'no of course you should go out' and then, on a bad day, cry at home because I felt like life was going on without me. As long as you're not spending all your spare time at home with him, or all your spare time going out without him, you'll fine a new normal between you. And maybe his stamina will get better over time

You can’t stop living your life. It’s ok to still do things you enjoy. The key here is balance. If you can’t find new things to enjoy together, your marriage will suffer. It will help if some of those new hobbies might not be strenuous at all, but it’s ok to push him a bit as he heals.

Also it might be easier on him if you do something that he has never done. Like if I used to go skiing with my husband, I'd have found it easier if he went snowboarding or cross country skiing or something that wasn't 'us'

How long ago was the surgery?

You should absolutely do things for yourself but if it’s a very recent surgery then I’d wait a while longer.

Thanks all, it's given me a few things to think about but will broach the subject with DH soon

You will resent him if you don’t look after your own happiness.

Talk to him. Ask how he would feel and go from there.

DH was diagnosed with a cardiac condition just before lockdown, that he's now waiting for surgery for. He's on medication which together with the condition has turned him into a pensioner at 57, and I'm really struggling with it. He also doesn't help himself by his "I can't do that" attitude when it comes to walking the dogs with me, or gardening...... but can magically recover enough to go to the driving range...........

I don't have any magic solutions, but I'm becoming a lot better at putting myself first...... it's not selfish to have your own best possible mental health. In fact when you're living with someone who drains you albeit unwittingly, it's more important than ever.