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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be this worried about my future?

37 replies

260el · 21/05/2022 10:51

A very honest and difficult post to write but I will start. When I was 24 I met a man who was 39. We worked together (he wasn’t my boss or anything like that) we got on really well and had this chemistry/flirtation. Over time we got close but I resisted a relationship due to the age difference. It was my mum in the end who encouraged me to go for it saying good guys weren’t many and to go with my heart. We’ve been together ever since, had kids, gotten engaged, bought a house etc. He is only mid 40s, he still seems young and he is attractive to me. I’m happy with him but filled with worries about the future that just didn’t really occur to me at 24. I do sometimes catch myself looking at men closer in age a bit wistfully. I do worry about when I’m his age and he’s in his sixties and my friends all have husbands in their prime like he is now. To be totally honest if I could go back to when we began now I would make different choices just because living with this level of anxiety is really difficult. I think about it all a lot. Daily if I’m honest. I can’t bring myself to leave a good man, a good dad, and a good partner because of these anxieties but I can’t deny feeling sad about the age gap and worried I’m wasting my best years and setting myself up for misery in future. It’s not fair on him either as I’ve known the age gap all along, and it all just happened authentically. We have a good, happy life but I fear that I’m missing out, really. I’m not sure what to do. AIBU to worry this much? Or did I make a mistake all those years ago and should have not allowed myself to build my life with an older man?

OP posts:

StopStartStop · 21/05/2022 10:54

I suspect you don't really want to be with him. If that's the case, let him go.
Fifteen years is nothing of an age difference. I'm 19 years older than the current love interest - I wouldn't expect him to tie himself to me, but if I'd been 19 years younger than him, I'd have thought nothing of it.

Original poster

260el · 21/05/2022 11:07

I sometimes do think I don’t want to be with him because I don’t know how to be with him and not be anxious about the future. It’s the anxiety I want to run away from. I feel I’ve set myself up for a life of anxiety if I stay so even when I really want to stay it feels scary to do so.

OP posts:

Original poster

260el · 21/05/2022 11:40

Is this anything that anyone relates to? I really do feel exhausted by the inner turmoil and get closer and closer everyday to walking away just to stop the anxiety but become paralysed by the fear of splitting up my family and regretting it.

OP posts:

Original poster

260el · 21/05/2022 12:11

Guess I’m on my own with this one.

OP posts:

Confusion101 · 21/05/2022 12:23

YABU! Life is short. You could be with someone you age who dies suddenly in their mid. 40s! People are living longer and are therefore much "younger", hardier and fitter into there 60s and 70s. If you really and truly loved him these thoughts wouldn't be in your head! If you genuienly do love him, live your best life with him and stop worrying about things that are completely out of both of your control and might not even be an issue!!

ShadowoftheFall · 21/05/2022 12:44

I’m a widow in my early 40s with 2 kids. My partner was only 3 years older than me, and we had planned our wedding and growing old together. The future is not ours, OP. If you love him live each day for itself. If you don’t, let him go and find happiness elsewhere.

Camomila · 21/05/2022 12:52

In my experience men with much younger wives and DC tend to keep themselves fit and healthy - my uncle is 60ish, his wife is late 40s and on instagram they are always put gardening or skiing with the DC.

icelolly12 · 21/05/2022 12:57

There are fifty year olds who mentally and physically are more like the stereotypical 80 year olds, and seem far older than their years, and there are 70 and 80 year olds who are relatively sprightly and healthy. and up for adventure. I'd be more concerned if he was letting himself go and wanted to sit in armchair all weekend- age is just a number.

BobbinHood · 21/05/2022 13:01

You’re the one wasting your best years by worrying so much about what may or may not happen in the future. All the things you’ve said are the reasons I wouldn’t have entered into a relationship with such a big age gap (or indeed such a serious relationship at all so young) but you obviously liked and then loved him enough to see past those things. Your choices are either to try to rediscover how you saw past the age gap before, or to move on from the relationship.

mumonthehill · 21/05/2022 13:05

The reality is it could be you that gets unwell and you need him to care for you. DH is older than me I do not worry about it at all. Our lives do not show an age difference, he is active and young at heart. I think that this anxiety that you have needs to be addressed and for you to understand what the actual worries are and if they are based in reality or not. I know an 80 year old who cycles 10 miles a day and a 60 year old who can barely walk, life and health are unpredictable.

amylou8 · 21/05/2022 13:06

I'm 45, my partner is 59. At the moment we're as fit and healthy as each other and I don't feel the age gap. Who knows 20 years down the line, but I'll worry about that if and when it happens. His parents had a similar gap, he lost his dad last year at 94, his mum is early 80s. They had a long and happy life together.

minipie · 21/05/2022 13:07

The thing is, you can’t go back in time. Even if it was the wrong choice (I’m not saying it was) you can’t go back and re do it.

Right now, you have two choices, stay with him or split up.

If you stay with him, you may have age gap related problems in the future. Or you may not.

If you split up, what’s going to happen? You might meet another, younger man, who’s just as great as your DH but younger. Or you might not. You might wonder why you ditched a perfectly good relationship based on worries about something that hadn’t even happened yet. Even if you did meet someone else, he won’t be the father of your kids, so you’ll be dealing with co parenting, not having your kids some of the time, explaining why you and Daddy have split, etc.

I think, especially since you have kids together, you need to focus on the positives and spend less time worrying about how you may feel in the future.

BarbedButterfly · 21/05/2022 13:11

I am in an age gap relationship and of course have these thoughts too. But one thing I have been trying to do for a while is live more in the present. I am happy, with someone who treats me wonderfully, who is always kind and patient and thoughtful. Who buys me little presents just because. Who accepted my disability without question.

I have dated guys my own age and been very unhappy so have something to compare it to and know the grass isn't greener. A friend lost her husband at 39 from cancer, he was 37. None of us know what the future holds. My mother at 65 is probably healthier than I am. For me, I would rather have less time with him than more time with anyone else. But only you can decide how you feel about it.

user1471457751 · 21/05/2022 13:18

Didn't you post about this recently? It still sounds as though you might benefit from speaking to a therapist

Original poster

260el · 21/05/2022 13:26

I feel really guilty even posting this. I’ve spent all day so far on my phone on mumsnet searching for old threads on age gap relationships. I do this most days. I have a little toddler who just wants to play with me. Why am I so disengaged from my life and so obsessed with this scenario? Why can’t I put my energy into being happy now, and being a good mum? I’m going to regret letting this ruin my childrens early years far more than I’ll regret being widowed early won’t I.

OP posts:

Du0Chocolate2 · 21/05/2022 13:26

If you dated / lived with someone your age

What exactly would you be missing out from your current relationship

You have a partner, children, home, why are you currently unhappy ?

yesthatisdrizzle · 21/05/2022 13:29

You never know what might happen. My dad was a year younger than my mum and he died when I was a kid.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 21/05/2022 13:29

I mean look, you could have chosen someone closer to your age, had kids and he could have been hit by a bus or been taken by incurable cancer by now, you could currently be a widower wondering how you and the kids will cope. There's ZERO guarantees in life, non whatsoever.

Be proactive, invest time and care in both his and your own health, do what you can to keep the odds of a long happy life in your favour.

Comparison is the thief of joy, stop ruining your own life with what ifs and dreaming of scenarios that haven't even happened.

FourChimneys · 21/05/2022 13:41

My friend's dad is 91 and does Parkrun each week. A former colleague of DHs has just returned from sailing his yacht single handed round the Isle of Wight. He's 86 and cycles to work each day.

My boyfriend prior to DH died at the age of 49 from a rare illness.

There is simply no knowing who will have a long and healthy life and who won't.

Beachsidesunset · 21/05/2022 14:15

Sounds like you don't love him any more and are looking for a reason to break up.

FarFarFarAndAway · 21/05/2022 14:18

I think it sounds like you are very anxious and fixed on this one thing- I suspect this is more about your mental health and how you feel about life than about him and this scenario. I would be thinking more along the lines of seeking therapy or looking to see if you have anxiety which need treatment than trading him in, given he sounds great and you are anxious daily about this.

FarFarFarAndAway · 21/05/2022 14:19

My husband was 6 months younger than me. I'm a widow. There are no guarantees in this life and this really does sound like anxiety/obsessive thoughts more than any genuine difficulty in the relationship.

Shamplade · 21/05/2022 14:23

I know people in their 60s and 70s who go camping, go to gigs, long hikes, swim, go to festivals, travel, play sport, have healthy sex lives. What is it you think will be so awful?

People die at any age. A friend of mine list her partner in his 30s.

if it’s a good relationship and you love him, get some help with your anxiety. Enjoy what you have.

ShadowPuppets · 21/05/2022 14:30

I feel like either one of two things is at play here OP:

You’re not in love with him any more and looking for a reason to end the relationship
You’re developing an anxiety problem that you could do with help for

The reason i mention 2 is because it’s a classic sign for me that my anxiety is flaring up, when all I can think about is DH/the kids/me dying early.

Either way I do wonder if some counselling would help you dig down to what’s behind this as it’s not ok to be so distracted by these things that you’re not enjoying the here and now.

RowanAlong · 21/05/2022 14:43

I think it would help to talk it all through with a counsellor.

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