To be this worried about my future?

[260el]

A very honest and difficult post to write but I will start. When I was 24 I met a man who was 39. We worked together (he wasn’t my boss or anything like that) we got on really well and had this chemistry/flirtation. Over time we got close but I resisted a relationship due to the age difference. It was my mum in the end who encouraged me to go for it saying good guys weren’t many and to go with my heart. We’ve been together ever since, had kids, gotten engaged, bought a house etc. He is only mid 40s, he still seems young and he is attractive to me. I’m happy with him but filled with worries about the future that just didn’t really occur to me at 24. I do sometimes catch myself looking at men closer in age a bit wistfully. I do worry about when I’m his age and he’s in his sixties and my friends all have husbands in their prime like he is now. To be totally honest if I could go back to when we began now I would make different choices just because living with this level of anxiety is really difficult. I think about it all a lot. Daily if I’m honest. I can’t bring myself to leave a good man, a good dad, and a good partner because of these anxieties but I can’t deny feeling sad about the age gap and worried I’m wasting my best years and setting myself up for misery in future. It’s not fair on him either as I’ve known the age gap all along, and it all just happened authentically. We have a good, happy life but I fear that I’m missing out, really. I’m not sure what to do. AIBU to worry this much? Or did I make a mistake all those years ago and should have not allowed myself to build my life with an older man?

Do you feel that your Mum encouraged you,and maybe you were swept along with her comments of not many good men around? I wonder if you had not many RL before then and maybe felt you settled down a little young. You say he is in his prime now , mid 40s you are around 30 I guess . I think 15 years isnt that large a gap ,however no one knows what the future holds.He may be fit and healthy in his 50s ,you may be more tired and worn out! Hopefully you will be both fit and well.I wonder if you are feeling a little tied down and think maybe you have missed out on your younger years?

I’m going to regret letting this ruin my childrens early years far more than I’ll regret being widowed early won’t I.

Is your DP unwell? If not, that is a very bizarre statement to come out with. You are aware OP that not everyone has the privilege of growing old? No one has any idea what the future has in store for them, and this is a very strange way to live your life, assuming your DP will die before you.

You need to seek professional help, searching threads on MN will not help you.

I dont think its his age as such .He is not 60 .No one can say whether you have missed out ,or would have been happier with a younger guy .So many variables really .Judging from this site ,not too many of the good guys around! However most people post on here with problems of course .Its impossible to go back in time.Your DH sounds like a nice guy .Some people split or have an Affair then regret it .You have a good life ATM maybe embrace it .The grass is rarely greener and you would be a SP with no guarantees .

Hi OP,
I think your problem is more mental health/OCD/obsession/anxiety than the age gap. I think you need to see your GP. Medication may help.

I could tell you that you could pre-decease your husband by decades for any number of reasons, or that it could be you that becomes ill or infirm but you know that. You need to seek some help - I think if it wasn’t this obsession it would be another one.

The grass is not greener. You might not find someone else that is a kind partner and a trustworthy committed stepfather. Your friends won’t all be with fit hunks in the prime of their lives. Half will get divorced. Many will have poor health and lifestyle. There will always be people better off and people worse off than you if you look for it. Put your energies into enjoying YOUR life and family and leave others to theirs. Don’t judge the inside of your life by the outside of others. Plenty of couples that I thought had it all have now split. One even said it was “all an act” although I think that was whatever is the opposite of rose tinted specs talking.

I think you need some help and support with your mental health.

No way would I leave him.

I think you need to feel, and be, grateful, not the other way around.

I feel the same way. My age gap is 11 years. It didn't seem so much when we met but now he looks and acts so much older than my friends husbands.

Now sure you can say age doesn't matter, but one thing that really annoys me is that it clearly does matter a lot to him, and no doubt to OPs DH. My DH wouldn't have even looked at me if I was even the same age as him, let alone older.

But anyway, he's fine really and we have a good life (I'm the provider and breadwinner before anyone says I'm with him for money). I think to a certain extent these thoughts are a part of any marriage. You love them but you so think "Really? This is the one I got....?"

This is exactly what it sounds like. I was with an older man for years (until he dumped me) and I never really thought about the age gap.
if you’re going to split with him, just do it because you’re clearly unhappy.

Agree with this. He can be a good man and a good dad but you might just not be in love with him like you once were. You've just fallen out of love.

Like everyone has said, you can become ill and die at any age. You could leave your husband, get into a relationship with someone your own age and they could get terminally ill in 5 years or be in a car accident etc. Life isn't promised to anyone, doesn't matter the age.

Hegemony.

It sounds more like “fear of abandonment” issues. Did your father leave you suddenly? Or a close male relative? The anxiety you describe could in fact be triggering something from your past (not your current relationship). You’ve projected these past feelings onto your current relationship. See a therapist and get some help otherwise it will continue to haunt you.

I agree this sounds more about anxiety than about the age gap per se.

I know I have a tendency to over analyse and get very perfectionist about my life when I feel anxious. It feels like I need to get everything “right” or things will fall apart.

I tell you what helps me - exercise, and being busier. Getting off the internet and going out and doing more stuff, meeting people. Less time in my own head and did I mention less time on the internet?!

One set of my grandparents had a similar age gap. I don’t know if it bothered my grandmother (the younger partner) as she died when I was very young of a completely unexpected heart attack. She barely made it to her 60s. Her 12 years older husband outlived her by over 10 years (into his 80s).

You can’t tell what is going to happen in life.

I would agree about talking to a counsellor. It may be your marriage is over or it may be this is how your anxiety is expressing itself.

Bear in mind that if you do leave, the chances are he will be remarried and possibly with more kids in a couple of years. How does that make you feel? If the answer is ‘relieved’, it’s a plus in the ‘marriage is over’ column. If it’s ‘but he’s my husband’, it’s more likely there is something to save.

The same goes for imagining he is having an affair (please note I am not saying he is). If you feel relieved at the thought because you then leave without being ‘blamed’ for the breakup, the marriage may be over.