Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could the MEN here on mumsnet please answer this...

37 replies

Inthenameofrose · 20/05/2022 17:14

Would you continue the sexual (friends with benefits) relationship if the other person told you they wanted more but you didn't?

I did make a previous thread but the title seemed to attract just women. A few posters suggested I should get a mans perspective so here goes.

OP posts:
hefachump83 · 20/05/2022 18:19

Do you mean would the fwb relationship continue if the man didn't want more?

Assuming you do: I would continue the fwb unless your unfulfilled desires were making you sad. Apart from a real dirty dog, who wants to have sex, however wonderful, with someone they are making sad? I don't.

Original poster
Inthenameofrose · 20/05/2022 18:34

Do you mean would the fwb relationship continue if the man didn't want more

@hefachump83 Yes. Would you (the man) want to continue if the woman told you she wants more.

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 20/05/2022 18:37

I am not a man. However, if a fwb told me they wanted more, I would ideally not continue, but if the person concerned was still hanging around, I'd shag them if I didn't have a better option and fancied a shag. I'd then regret it as I'd have to extricate myself again.

Natty13 · 20/05/2022 18:38

Not a man and not what you asked but I imagine most would.

If the woman wants more and continues sleeping with him after knowing he doesn't want anything more than sex then any hurt she experiences is her own making.

People really need to get better at being responsible for their own feelings in this country.

Notagain76 · 20/05/2022 18:43

Not a man but my husband said no and my brother who's a lot younger and child free said yes. My husband said he would hate for it to happen to one of our girls . My brother said he would be honest and never mislead but sex is sex. I personally think you need to break away and work on yourself.

hefachump83 · 20/05/2022 18:44

Sorry I sounded so pompous and priggish.

Yes, I would continue so long as you could stay light-hearted and fun.

I suppose if you were tremendous in bed it might be worth coping with some drama, but really, the point of fwb is there is no drama.

Original poster
Inthenameofrose · 20/05/2022 19:07

Thank you. I've read many threads here on mn that say the man has ended it because the woman has caught feeling etc. I suppose the sex and the person/personality they are having sex with has a lot to do with it.

OP posts:
BrunoMadrigal · 20/05/2022 19:19

I’m not a guy but I have been the woman to tell my FWB I was falling for him.

He was happy to carry on meeting up with me and never discuss my feelings for him, until it eventually fizzled out.

For what it’s worth, I now realise I never had feelings for him, but was more carried away in the moment.

hefachump83 · 20/05/2022 19:30

This is my third and last post and then I'm going back to lurking. Promise. But I had 2 more thoughts.

First, it is likely to depend on how easily he can replace you. Never underestimate most men's need for sex (usually greater than their dislike of drama)

Second, and please forgive me for being a soppy romantic, but if you are falling for him, tell him. Great sex is great, but it is not in the same league as being in love. And if it goes wrong I'm sure you'll be able to hook up with another FWB.

Don't fight it OP,: roll the dice; take a chance, live life fearlessly. Good luck.

Shunter350 · 20/05/2022 19:35

No. Definitely not. It will just lead to awful heartbreak.
I couldn't hurt someone like that. Letting them have hope of something more and then nothing. Awful.
But then I don't get the FWB thing anyway, probably because I would be the one that would get emotionally involved and, ultimately, the broken heart.

Onwards22 · 20/05/2022 19:46

OP in the nicest way - he doesn’t like you in that way.

He is of course going to keep having sex with you.

If you want more than he does then cut your loses and move on.

Lunar27 · 20/05/2022 19:46

Personally no as it'd be cruel.

I've never had a FWB relationship but I thought the whole point is that there's no attachment. As soon as it changes, someone is going to get hurt so not good at all.

Lunar27 · 20/05/2022 19:58

Natty13 · 20/05/2022 18:38

Not a man and not what you asked but I imagine most would.

If the woman wants more and continues sleeping with him after knowing he doesn't want anything more than sex then any hurt she experiences is her own making.

People really need to get better at being responsible for their own feelings in this country.

In fairness, both parties should have the wellbeing of each other as a priority, otherwise it's just a self serving relationship. I've no doubt many are just into it for their own gratification but whilst there is an element of personal responsibility, we should be looking out for each other surely.

donquixotedelamancha · 20/05/2022 20:02

I can't imagine not developing feelings for someone I was sleeping with. I think you are mistaken to think this is a male/female thing.

I've been on the receiving end of a woman wanting a much more serious relationship than I did and I was just very clear about what I was willing to do, so she ended it.

I would have carried on because I liked her a lot but we were never going to work out long term so better she was free to pursue what she wanted.

Original poster
Inthenameofrose · 21/05/2022 09:59

@donquixotedelamancha @hefachump83 thanks for your insight. And thank you all for your response.

I was hoping for more male perspectives but assuming there are not as many men on mn as I thought.

OP posts:
Rosesareredandblue · 22/05/2022 13:07

I thought most men would end it but I suppose it depends on how much he enjoys sleeping with her.

DeltaAlphaDelta · 22/05/2022 13:12

I'll be honest, I probably would continue, altho if my feelings did not match hers then I would be open and honest about it. If she decided she wanted to carry on, then I would be clear about it being sex only, unless I went on to develop feelings.

I appreciate plenty of men would probably say what the woman needed to her to carry on, and possibly string her along, and I would probably have done when I was younger.

But, generally speaking, I believe that men tend find it easier to compartmentalise sex from feelings/emotions.

DoctorManhattan · 22/05/2022 13:24

I’ve been in this scenario and ended it. Not fair to continue if one sided feelings are involved, it would feel like taking advantage. It also adds complication to something that was set up to be a fairly uncomplicated arrangement, so has gone beyond the scope of what both parties originally wanted. Continuing would only compound that.

dropthevipers · 22/05/2022 14:31

No, not if they want more than you are prepared to offer. But i wouldn't do the whole FWB thing in the first place, being utterly tacky.

Pennox · 22/05/2022 14:40

Not a man but personally I've always avoided a FWB situation and don't really think they really exist. There's one night stands/hookups and there's sexual relationships, good or bad.

FWB where one person feels more is the same as any one sided relationship for me, and probably not really healthy in the long run for the one feeling more. I've always ended casual relationships where I didn't feel the same as the man.

If a man told me, I'm in a sexual relationship with this person and they have told me they are falling for me, but I don't feel the same. I'd look down on them if they then said but I'm going to continue having sex with them anyway because I like the sex.

I think casual relationships are fine (and can sometimes develop into more, I mean my own 20 year LTR technically started as casual and I fell in love with him way after I started having sex with him). But they're still sexual relationships. And the rules of respect should still apply.

OneTC · 22/05/2022 14:50

I'm a man and I've had fwb relationships with some women and no, absolutely would not carry on. Although in a ltr now for a very long time I generally wouldn't consider an fwb set up again because I think mostly people develop feelings. In fact I think you've got to be a special kind of person not to

Pennox · 22/05/2022 14:54

I agree. I think people think they can do it without feeling when they're young/experimenting but really I think you have to be near sociopathic to not develop feelings for someone you're regularly being very intimate with over a prolonged period of time. I've always ended a relationship before that point if I wasn't developing feelings but that would always also equate to not having great sex. Anyone can have a one night stand I think but it's not sustainable not have a series of one night stands with the same person and not have any emotions or feelings involved.

I think if a FWB/casual relationship doesn't evolve then you end it, as it ever was.

Pennox · 22/05/2022 14:59

Anyway, I'll shut up, I'm not a man, sorry!

Am also quite intrigued to hear from men too. Surely continuing with a woman who's upset and coming across as needy would be a right drag for anyone that was just after an uncomplicated shag?

CandyApplePie · 22/05/2022 15:01

People don’t develop feelings as they are usually sleeping with multiple people!

WarmSausageTea · 22/05/2022 15:21

I’m a man, and I don’t think I would, because I wouldn’t want to string anyone along.

If everything was clearly communicated and respected, I wouldn’t rule it out, but it goes against the grain for me, so my start point (and probably end one) would be that the FWB arrangement should end.