To ask dp to have a vasectomy even though I don't know if we will always be together

[Cheeseandlobster]

I have had a coil in for 9 years and really conscious that it needs to come out. I have put up with weird long heavy periods during this time. Prior to that I tried different pills but after the last one, Yasmin, left me feeling suicidal, I gave up on hormones. I am really afraid of having the coil taken out and another put in. And I dont want another one either

Dp is 53 and has children and now grandchildren. He doesn't want more dc's. But he is finding the finality a bit daunting.

Our relationship has definitely had its ups and downs and I can't say hand on heart that we will always be together. I just don't know

Aibu to want him to consider this?

Oh and I fell pregnant a few years ago with condoms. I don't want to risk another unplanned pregnancy

Yanbu to ask him to consider it. Ywbu to put any pressure on him at all. Vasectomy is not always reversible- it has to be his decision.

Condoms?

Crossed posts.

Yes YABU you can’t tell him what to do with his own body. Do you think he should have the right to ask you to consider getting sterilised? Thought not.

It sounds like you've done your bit in preventing unwanted pregnancies and that he should consider the snip. Even if you do break up is he really going to want to (or be able to) get together with a woman of child bearing age and produce more offspring? Okay Bernie Ecclestone became a new dad at 90 but your average guy in his 50s isn't going to.

Huh? Why not get sterilised?

Where did I say I told him. I discussed it with him like an adult, asked him to think about it and to talk to anyone he wants to and / or do his own research before deciding

He's 53 with Grandchildren. Is he really likely to want more kids?!just ask him, explain your reasons and then leave him to think about it.

Because sterilisation is much more invasive

she said 'ask' not 'demand'.

Learn to read.

You could get streralised

yanbu. I don't imagine he has put much thought into your contraceptive choices over the years but maybe he could start now. What are his alternatives? Would he prefer condoms? Fine, then go for that plus only sex in your non-fertile phase if you are worried about pregnancy. Or wait til your menopause?

I don’t see the issue with asking him. Only on mumsnet will everyone pile in on you insisting that it’s his body, his decision, you have no right to even think it’s reasonable to suggest this, end of.

The fact that you’ve done all the legwork and suffered all the side effects of preventing pregnancy for the last decade should be completely relevant. He steps up, or it’s no sex from now on. If he then bails on the relationship, it wasn’t worth it in the first place.

Totally reasonable to tell dp that you don’t want another coil putting in, that you won’t go on the pill again after the issues last time, and that you won’t rely on condoms again. It’s up to him then if he can find an alternative, or if you just don’t have sex again. Tbh you’ve managed the situation long enough, I think it’s only fair it’s now his burden.

You should ask him, he can only say no. You could also let him know you want to get your coil out and that he/you will need to use condoms (and if you want it out then get it out).

Whether you'll always be together is irrelevant and it's one of the questions DH was asked at his appointment. He was asked what if we split up and he met someone else, he said that he would not want DC with a new partner as he already has enough DC.

YANBU to ask him to consider it. I think it's important to talk about all contraception with partners, including if a vasectomy is an option once you are both done having kids. Of course it would be unreasonable to demand it (not saying you are!) but it's fair to see if it's an option that he would consider.

DH has said he wants a vasectomy. The only contraception we've ever used is condoms and never had any accidents, despite being seemingly very fertile while TTC our DC. We are in our early thirties, have two kids and don't want any more. The finality of it does worry me (for him) but he's sure he's done having more kids, as am I so I'm happy for him to get one of it's what he wants. He does drag his heels on everything though so we are still waiting for him to do anything about it 3.5 years after he first mentioned it!

It sounds like his family is complete, and he's having a wobble. It would be different if he might like to go on and have more children if you broke up.

It also sounds like you're finding the pressure of being responsible for contraception hard, and if he stepped up, it might bring you closer together, TBH.

At 53 with grandchildren surely he knows if he wants more children or not. It’s a very different kettle of fish to if he was 30 with one child and a rocky relationship. Even if you split unless he has a strong desire to be a dad again at 55 plus then surely ship has sailed.
You can’t force him but I’d make it clear you are done with taking hormones/invasive contraception and ball in his court.

Of course he has the right to ASK her to CONSIDER it. Same as she does. How is that vaguely the same as TELLING him what to do with his body?

It isn't and you probably know that.

If he somehow harbours the notion that when he's in his sixties, he'll easily find somebody in her late twenties to early thirties willing to have children with him, unless he's massively rich and influential, he's really not being that realistic. Unless, of course, you're in your late twenties and are already the young second wife, at any rate.

He'd still be able to shag anybody daft enough afterwards, he just wouldn't have the added maintenance payments as a consequence.

Strange really - women have to come to terms with this at menopause (or if they need a hysterectomy) but men don't. Makes sense that it's something that hadn't occurred to him before because of that, but women are supposed to shrug it off.

It does seem utterly logical that where he isn't planning a second/third family that he would have the simple, lower risk and quicker recovery time of a vasectomy rather than you undergo higher risk surgery.

I suppose the alternative is that he doesn't get to have sex with you again. That might make the decision easier.

He isnt adverse to it. If anything he has been too flippant with it. When I first mentioned it he asked what would happen if he wanted more children and said he might struggle with that, then he said he doesn't want more children and to go ahead and book him in. I told him no. He will need to do his research and talk to people if he wishes first as its a big decision. I was just concerned that I might be being selfish if I can't swear that we will always be right for each other as we are very different

Even if you broke up soon, does he really think he’d want more children with someone else at 55+?
of course it’s not unreasonable to ask him at his stage of life to consider vasectomy.

I don't think it matters if you will always be together if he is certain he doesn't want more children, ultimately.

You have had years of being responsible for contraception, you don't want to do it anymore, totally reasonable that the burden be on him. It's up to him if he wants to use condoms or save himself the bother.

Haha I wish he was rich and influential and I was a 20 something. I am 44 so most probably peri menopausal but its still not entirely beyond the realms of possibility that I could get pregnant. I am already putting up with peri menopause crap. I don't want more invasive contraception if I can help it

It has to be something he is certain he wants regardless of whether or not your relationship is solid and last forever.

DH and I are in a stable, happy relationship of nearly 17 years, one I don't ever see ending. But if something were to happen to me or something changed and we divorced I would want him to know he had made the decision to get a vasectomy himself because it was 100% what he wanted - and I was happy with too. Not just because with me he is done having kids, iykwim.