To ask dp to have a vasectomy even though I don't know if we will always be together

[Cheeseandlobster]

I have had a coil in for 9 years and really conscious that it needs to come out. I have put up with weird long heavy periods during this time. Prior to that I tried different pills but after the last one, Yasmin, left me feeling suicidal, I gave up on hormones. I am really afraid of having the coil taken out and another put in. And I dont want another one either

Dp is 53 and has children and now grandchildren. He doesn't want more dc's. But he is finding the finality a bit daunting.

Our relationship has definitely had its ups and downs and I can't say hand on heart that we will always be together. I just don't know

Aibu to want him to consider this?

Why did he tell you to book him in? You're not his secretary.
You should have told him to book it himself. And I don't see why he has to discuss it with anyone other than the HCPs.

It doesn't really matter whether you two stay together or not, if he doesn't want any more children he should get a vasectomy.

What kind of coil do you have, is it a copper coil? Would you consider something like the Kyleena (lower dose than Mirena)? I understand that you don't want to be responsible for contraception any more but realistically even if he does get a vasectomy he won't get the all clear straight away.

@orwellwasright @stepuporshutup

It's all very well telling the op to get sterilised but it's nearly impossible for women to get this procedure.

Women are constantly refused sterilisation - yes, in the UK - because their future partner or husband might want children.

It's refused even in cases of medical need, eg incredibly painful and incredibly heavy periods.

Many NHS trusts also no longer offer it, so even a woman can find a doctor who accepts her autonomy over own body, she'd have to pay for it, making it financially impossible as well for most.

Those that do manage it, tend to be able to get it down as part of a c-section, which doesn't really help the op.

You realise most doctors won't sterilise a woman of child baring age with less than 3 kids? And even if they do they require your husbands consent.

They ask no questions for a vasectomy

It's a copper coil I have. It has caused me to have really weird almost reverse periods where I start spotting for around 6 days then it's like a tap then it just stops suddenly. I really don't want any sort of coil again.

I know I am not his secretary though he is totally rubbish at sorting his own health appointments. He needs to do this one himself though. I am glad that counselling is offered beforehand as I don't want him to just do it because I have asked him to think about it.

I didn't know how hard it is to get female sterilisation so this post has certainly been an eye opener

I really don't understand the 'if anything happened to me...' argument against a vasectomy. Surely anyone knows whether they want any more kids or not. Is the idea that a middle aged man must always seem able to produce kids if a younger childless woman turns up?

I went along to an appointment to discuss sterilisation after having 5 children! The doctor turned to my (now ex) husband and told him that he should have a vasectomy rather than a ‘young woman like me’ be sterilised. The joke was that I’m actually older than my ex . It got me thinking though, and even though I was sure I didn’t want any more children, him having the snip was a simpler procedure and, as the nice doctor also mentioned, my body had been through enough, so I did change my mind and insist that he put himself out for a change and you wouldn’t be unreasonable to do so either.

I was sterilised when my youngest was 2.

I was early thirties.

I had decided in my own mind I didn't want anymore dc that If me and dh did ever seperate and met other partners a STILL wouldn't want anymore children so I was sterilised.

I was in and out in a couple of hours and at home eating toast on just paracetomol

I actually went into work the next day on light duties.

It's done via keyhole and the tubes aren't cut anymore they're clipped.

I had absolutely no pain from the two small incisions or the procedure itself.

The pain was in my shoulder blades from the gas.

What about skipping intercourse? There are plenty of ways in which both partners can experience sexual pleasure that do not risk pregnancy. Your partner does not need to stick it in you to get off.

I don't get this either. I don't want any more children full stop, I wouldn't suddenly start wanting some more if DH died or we split up or whatever. We have three children and prior to that I covered the contraceptive area of the relationship. I've done years on the pill and years of pregnancy, I've told DH that it's over to him now. I would like him to get a vasectomy but it's up to him, so for now it's condoms. Every time. I think it's fine to say you've done your bit, family-planning wise, but he needs to make his own decision. Although why a grandfather in his 50s would be remotely interested in having a new baby, in any circumstances, is beyond me.

I quite like intercourse though