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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want to do IVF

49 replies

Namechangejoy · 19/05/2022 16:38

Posting for traffic.. just grateful for advice/opinions.

I'm cautious to give away too much backstory as I've obviously NC for this but the important parts are that I am 35 with fertility issues that mean I will prob go through early menopause - not sure quite when but earlier than most. So imagine my egg supply is more like a woman in early-mid 40s (although of course quality is - presumably - as good as any other woman my age. Which is to say, declining rapidly but ok for now I hope). I have frozen a few eggs but couldn't get many because of limited egg supply.

Partner's sperm supply is all normal - some elements above normal, so presumably no known issues here. (We have had a semen analysis to allay some of my fears).

Have only been TTC for a couple of months to but given my concerns/knowledge about fertility I would like to go to IVF soon to see if my eggs are any good before it's too late/figure out if any issues/essentially do everything I can to have a baby. We can afford it.

Partner is happy to continue trying naturally but does not want to go to IVF any time soon. (I had not yet come up with an idea of how soon but in my head I thought the usual max 6 months of trying/before I turned 36) No real justifiable reasons that I can gather - he'd just like it to happen naturally or not at all! I know we haven't given it very long too though..

What would you do? I'm trying to weigh up how much of a deal breaker it is for me/how long to continue trying. If I knew he would definitely go for IVF after, say, 6 months, or 9 months then I'd feel happier. If it's naturally or no baby then I'm trying to decide if I should take that chance or not.

I would not go it alone and have a baby on my own (at least not right now - obviously I may reassess in future). But essentially I guess I'm weighing up if I should stay in a loving relationship, trying naturally and hoping for a baby or go through the break up and hope to meet someone who wants children and would also be willing to do IVF etc to have them if needed.. given my age :(

Ofc my partner might change their mind about IVF if faced with losing me. Who knows.. but it's quite an intense process and I can't imagine it being easy to do if he's not keen..

Grateful for thoughts/advice/opinions.

I'm not sure I even know how to post a poll, but for the sake of following the rules - my AIBU is AIBU to leave a partner if he won't do IVF, but will continue to try naturally?

OP posts:
Discovereads · 19/05/2022 16:41

Which is it?
”Partner is happy to continue trying naturally but does not want to go to IVF any time soon.”
or
“he'd just like it to happen naturally or not at all!”

Is he totally against IVF no matter what, or is he saying to keep trying for awhile and then he’d consider IVF?

ShaneTwane · 19/05/2022 16:43

I'm sorry you are going through this but with your age and issues regarding potential early menopause I would say you don't have the luxury of time of waiting around for him to change his mind. Or even meeting someone knew. Not to everyone's agreement but in that situation I would do ivf with a sperm donor if you really want to be a mother. You now have to access if you don't get pregnant and become fully infertile without trying ivf will you resent him?

ShaneTwane · 19/05/2022 16:44

New*

GodspeedJune · 19/05/2022 16:47

What is his objection to IVF? He really needs to share this with you. His part to play is not invasive, and you’ve already done the invasive part for you of having your eggs retrieved.

I have likely a similar problem to you, when we were given the bad news about my low egg levels my partner fully understood we didn’t have time to waste. Of course it’s scary to move at a fast pace, but the diagnosis doesn’t afford us the luxury to wait years like some couples can.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 19/05/2022 16:52

You need to have a detailed, clear conversation with your partner and find out:

  1. If he is on board with IVF in theory
  2. how long he suggests you try naturally before starting IVF

At the moment you're trying to make an important decision without having all the info. There's no point panicking about "should I break up with him NOW in case he doesn't want IVF at all" until you know what he actaully thinks.

You know him best. How do you think he would react if you said "I want to discuss our timeline for conceiving. Given my situation, I would like us to contact an IVF clinic if I'mnot pregnant in X months. How do you feel about that?"

SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 16:55

You need to speak to him. Is he against using IVF at all ever? If not he needs to give you a time scale. This is crunch time.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2022 17:00

I'd be wondering if he really wants a child at all, honestly. If he does, objecting to IVF makes absolutely no sense, especially from the man's position. It's the woman who really has to deal with everything, at least physically.

Original poster
Namechangejoy · 19/05/2022 17:08

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 19/05/2022 16:52

You need to have a detailed, clear conversation with your partner and find out:

  1. If he is on board with IVF in theory
  2. how long he suggests you try naturally before starting IVF

At the moment you're trying to make an important decision without having all the info. There's no point panicking about "should I break up with him NOW in case he doesn't want IVF at all" until you know what he actaully thinks.

You know him best. How do you think he would react if you said "I want to discuss our timeline for conceiving. Given my situation, I would like us to contact an IVF clinic if I'mnot pregnant in X months. How do you feel about that?"

This makes sense, that's true. I'm just overly emotional and worried after discussing it recently and realising he wasn't on board in the same way I thought he was. We had discussed it briefly before and I thought he was on board.. so perhaps he is in theory but my trying to make the discussion about it being "soon" is where we disagree.

I guess I'd already assumed I'd clearly got the answer that it's a no so wrote my OP on the basis of that. If it is no for good though - for whatever reason - then I'd still be grateful for opinion/advice etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangejoy · 19/05/2022 17:13

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2022 17:00

I'd be wondering if he really wants a child at all, honestly. If he does, objecting to IVF makes absolutely no sense, especially from the man's position. It's the woman who really has to deal with everything, at least physically.

I think it's partly to do with the way he lives his life - he's useless at planning things in advance, committing to booking trains or things like that. He's very much a go with the flow person whereas I'm the opposite and want to plan as much as possible! I guess also he feels a bit like if it's meant to happen naturally then it will...

OP posts:
SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 17:16

If its a no not ever then you need to decide if you can live with him knowing he won't give it a shot

1940s · 19/05/2022 17:18

Yes you absolutely need to find out his objection to 'ivf' is it money / stress / time / ego / lack of knowledge / perception of IVF leading to multiple births?

There are also 'steps' along the way to 'IVF' maybe some low level hormone pills such as Clomid would do the trick for you.

Either way I'd have to fully understand his hesitancy (and be prepared for it to be valid / reasonable and a hard no) before I could commit long term to trying.

Also have a serious think about how many children you want. If you fall pregnant naturally at 35/6 you may need fertility treatment for number two so don't get 'stuck' with one and him refusing treatment for baby two

OrlaOrka · 19/05/2022 17:19

Your egg reserve might be low but you are still on the younger side of things, this means that because the egg quality should be good in theory you still have a good chance of getting pregnant naturally. You haven’t been trying long at all so try not to get carried away just yet. It’s those women who are over 38 whose egg quality will have decreased have lower chances.

An AMH blood test which checks your egg reserve hormone will tell you exactly that, that your reserve is low but in reality that’s only useful for IVF in terms of how likely it is you’ll collect a lot of eggs, which as you’ve had an egg collection I’m sure you know!

Basically what I’m saying is try not to get too disheartened yet, there’s no reason why it won’t happen naturally, but I agree with previous replies you have to get out of your partner what his stance is on ivf because if (and hopefully not the case for you) you’re still not pregnant in 12 months it might be the road you want to take and you need him to be on board

BluecheeseandBaskerville · 19/05/2022 17:20

Wouldn’t most men that were hypothetically okay with IVF at some point agree? Isn’t that the default? I don’t know, battling the idea away I wonder if he’ll ever be up for it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/05/2022 17:23

Is he trying to run down the clock so you can't conceive?

Rtmhwales · 19/05/2022 17:26

DH was a bit like this. He has poor sperm morphology but a high count so in theory getting pregnant isn't impossible, just takes more time. We had three miscarriages in 18 months. I wanted to move on to IVF with sperm injection and genetic testing to overcome his issues. He wanted to just keep trying for it to happen naturally.

I decided I wasn't willing to wait and said it was either IVF or consider splitting up. We are now 5 days into an IVF cycle.

The way I explained it to him was 1) if we didn't try IVF and it never happened naturally I would resent him greatly. And feel like he took my chances away. And 2) we could do IVF and "try" naturally for a second child if that worked if he preferred.

What's your partner's hesitation? Cost? The weirdness of using science for a baby?

SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 17:28

The way I explained it to him was 1) if we didn't try IVF and it never happened naturally I would resent him greatly. And feel like he took my chances away. And 2) we could do IVF and "try" naturally for a second child if that worked if he preferred. this is the approach I would take

Jjnbftgkhfrvjudv · 19/05/2022 17:30

Very difficult situation to be in which I can’t think of any advice on as I don’t have any experience or know any body that has. But I would say if you were to leave at 36 if he still refused IVF are you confident you would be able to find a new partner who was ready to do IVF before it’s too late?

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 19/05/2022 17:34

If he just doesn't plan, get off his arse and make things happen then just tell him you are booking IVF next month and he needs to book X time off work.

He will soon let you know which of the woolier answers was the one he actually meant.

Calmdown14 · 19/05/2022 17:36

How much does he actually know about IVF (versus what he thinks he knows).

I think an appointment with a fertility clinic would be wise. At the moment you are both dealing with unknown quantities.

Get a proper appraisal of your options and take it from there.

I would couch it to him as checking things out, rather than going for IVF.

He may well just be enjoying trying! There are obvious financial, emotional and physical draw backs of IVF . But he'd probably be more willing to take them on if he had more accurate knowledge.

It's easy for him to say 'let nature take its course' but he retains the option to leave you and get another opportunity. You don't

Calmdown14 · 19/05/2022 17:39

There's also the huge psychological aspect to IVF
Many women fall pregnant after years of trying after their initial appointments. Perhaps something to do with it taking the pressure off so even if you decide to go the natural route, having a consultation may help

calliopea · 19/05/2022 17:51

From experience - I think you are probably jumping the gun a little bit.

As long as you are not currently showing any signs of early menopause then I think trying naturally for a year is not unreasonable. Your partner probably just wants to give it a real chance, because IVF might seem like the silver bullet but it is so, so bloody stressful and taxing and of course not guaranteed to work.

Obviously I have no idea of your current health of medical history, but I would do everything you can to avoid rushing in to IVF if you are currently ovulating regularly or even semi-regularly - so focus on optimising your overall health, try acupuncture, herbal medicine, anything to get you over the line!

Took us 18 months in similar circumstances, but conceived naturally in the end just as we were about to be referred. I'm same age as you.

The other side of it is if you love your partner then leaving him for an as yet non-existent man who wants to do IVF asap seems like a risky move.

Imogensmumma · 19/05/2022 17:53

Namechangejoy · 19/05/2022 17:13

I think it's partly to do with the way he lives his life - he's useless at planning things in advance, committing to booking trains or things like that. He's very much a go with the flow person whereas I'm the opposite and want to plan as much as possible! I guess also he feels a bit like if it's meant to happen naturally then it will...

Show quote history

My DP is like this, very much a wait and see type of person which drives me as a planner nuts. In the end I booked an IVF appointment after trying for 10 months at age 39 and he was fine with it, he just didn’t feel the need to plan out each step.

Thankfully I fell pregnant a month before the IVF appointment-yay- but he is still leaving all the buying baby stuff to later.. later… just his way

thinking123 · 19/05/2022 18:00

Also please remember ivf is the last step. There will be other things to try before it.

jessieminto · 19/05/2022 18:05

You've already had some great advice from other PPs. I just wanted to add that IVF is actually very difficult to plan.

It's not as precise and scientific as you think it is. You can't micro manage the process and get all your ducks in a row.

You have to very much go with the flow and let the doctors do their thing. At each appointment they will take bloods and measure follicles etc and you will want to know what happens next (and after that, and the next 2 steps...) but the doctors haven't worked out what's happening right now yet. You need to give them time to get all the tests back and then plan the next step.

So your partners 'go with the flow' attitude will be better suited for this journey than being more detailed orientated. I know this from my own journey and how frustrated I was with not knowing 'the plan'.

I waited 12 months and then started IVF, I was under 30 though but with complex gynea history. We had 2 rounds of IVF and I now have a 10 yr old DS. 😊

I hope it all goes well for you, best of luck!

antipodeansun · 19/05/2022 18:09

Hmm. I also think you might have a bit more time than you think.
I was also found to have very low ovarian reserve at 36 but with normal hormone profile and regular ovulation still. I was devastated when I received the result however the fertility specialist calmed me and said that at the moment my odds were still good. My partner's sperm count was low to normal with normal morphology. I then conceived with a bit of help, clomiphen and insemination with partner sperm. Had a baby at 37.
But then I had two miscarriages and just as I was thinking we wouldn't have a second child, as the IVF odds with my ovarian reserve weren't good, I conceived completely naturally at 40. Everything was normal, another easy pregnancy and healthy baby.
I did end up going into perimenopause and being in full menopause by 46-47 (and in a strangely easy way!)