Partner doesn't want to do IVF

[Namechangejoy]

Posting for traffic.. just grateful for advice/opinions.

I'm cautious to give away too much backstory as I've obviously NC for this but the important parts are that I am 35 with fertility issues that mean I will prob go through early menopause - not sure quite when but earlier than most. So imagine my egg supply is more like a woman in early-mid 40s (although of course quality is - presumably - as good as any other woman my age. Which is to say, declining rapidly but ok for now I hope). I have frozen a few eggs but couldn't get many because of limited egg supply.

Partner's sperm supply is all normal - some elements above normal, so presumably no known issues here. (We have had a semen analysis to allay some of my fears).

Have only been TTC for a couple of months to but given my concerns/knowledge about fertility I would like to go to IVF soon to see if my eggs are any good before it's too late/figure out if any issues/essentially do everything I can to have a baby. We can afford it.

Partner is happy to continue trying naturally but does not want to go to IVF any time soon. (I had not yet come up with an idea of how soon but in my head I thought the usual max 6 months of trying/before I turned 36) No real justifiable reasons that I can gather - he'd just like it to happen naturally or not at all! I know we haven't given it very long too though..

What would you do? I'm trying to weigh up how much of a deal breaker it is for me/how long to continue trying. If I knew he would definitely go for IVF after, say, 6 months, or 9 months then I'd feel happier. If it's naturally or no baby then I'm trying to decide if I should take that chance or not.

I would not go it alone and have a baby on my own (at least not right now - obviously I may reassess in future). But essentially I guess I'm weighing up if I should stay in a loving relationship, trying naturally and hoping for a baby or go through the break up and hope to meet someone who wants children and would also be willing to do IVF etc to have them if needed.. given my age :(

Ofc my partner might change their mind about IVF if faced with losing me. Who knows.. but it's quite an intense process and I can't imagine it being easy to do if he's not keen..

Grateful for thoughts/advice/opinions.

I'm not sure I even know how to post a poll, but for the sake of following the rules - my AIBU is AIBU to leave a partner if he won't do IVF, but will continue to try naturally?

Sounds like he’s in denial / sulking cos he doesn’t want to contribute sperm in hospital. Fyi he can ‘give his sample’ at home and then you keep it at body temp and get it to the clinic asap, I can’t remember how long my hospital said to get it there, think it was an hr maximum.

Anyway. Talk to him about how badly you want to have his baby and be a parent with him, that the simple truth is this is not possible without medical help, that you are willing to undergo quite significant drugs, surgery, and of course the burden of pregnancy, and if he doesn’t care enough about having a baby that he can bother to have a quick DIY orgasm, then the relationship has a major major problem. Be clear that the issue can only get worse, waiting is literally the worst possible thing you can do.

Sympathy and don’t give up on him too soon - my DH was in total denial for quite some time.

You might not need IVF.

If you ovulate regularly, then you can still fall pregnant naturally, if you have good egg quality.

It's easier to fall pregnant with low ovarian reserve and good eggs than high ovarian reserve and bad eggs.

Egg quality can be improved with supplements, I read "It starts with the egg", took all the supplements and then we conceived our second child (had a miscarriage between first and second child).

We went straight to IVF. We didn’t try anything else leading up to it.

OP, IVF is very easy going on the man. They barely have to do anything. All the appointments will be, mostly, for you. Is he worried it’s going to hurt or something!?

I hope you get your baby.

Good luck to you trying to have a child with a go with the flow man who can’t book a train ticket. Children need a fair bit of organisation and you’ll end up playing mum to all.

I’d be concerned this man child was trying to run down the clock and was scared of IVF working quickly.

If he wants to go with the flow book an appointment and tell him when it is.

My husband didn’t want to do IVF. He had a thing about conceiving naturally. I think he thought it took something away from the process or the joy. Perhaps it was a make ego thing. We did IUI before IVF and luckily it worked as I don’t think he’d have had the stomach for it. Anyone would have thought he was the one having the intrusive procedures. He too had great sperm and I think he didn’t want to do it as he knew it wasn’t his issue.

In the end I kept the info to him as little as possible. I just tried ti keep it to putting his stuff in a pot and me taking it to the clinic. Men are just crap at this stuff. Luckily I’ve 2 DC now, but it was tough.

I think you need a conversation where you tell him that this is what YOU want, and he needs ti support you to have YOUR children. For me it was no different to any other difficulty you have in a marriage. The other supports you. When he’s on board you can deal with him on a need to know basis till you a pregnant. It would be better with his support of course, but this is just my experience.

I agree a conversation definitely needs to be had and he must not be allowed to skirt the issues nor say 'go with the flow'. And someone who says 'if it happens, it happens' generally either doesn't want it to happen or has no intention of putting forth any effort into making it happen. I've never had IVF, but my understanding is that it can be a difficult, time consuming, and emotionally exhausting time in a couple's life. That sounds to me like a time where both members of a couple must be 100% determined and dedicated to the process and to supporting each other. Do you even think he has the emotional ability to do that?

Which brings another point. I'll preface by saying I tend to be a planner and my DH tends to be more 'loose' in his planning, but is decisive when he needs to be. It can be very hard to parent with someone who believes in 'go with the flow'. Parenting + 'keeping up' a household needs decision-making and it needs planning ahead. And it needs cooperation and equal effort. Of course there is room for spontaneity, but you don't want to be in a situation where your partner won't make decisions because they want to 'go with the flow' or they leave it all up to you to do because 'you like doing that kind of stuff'.

Just a word to the wise.

You really need to talk to him and lay down the facts.

Does he actually know what "early menopause" means? I'm not sure whether he quite understands the situation or comprehends this.

My DH took a while to come round to the idea. He wanted to "let nature take its course", I was your age with endometriosis and had already lost one tube to a ruptured ectopic with a previous partner. So I knew odds weren't in my favour. In the end we tried for about 6 months before going to see ivf consultant privately and think I was just quite lucky that she was a good sales woman and laid it all out for us in terms of chances/probabilities/thinking about the second child etc. He was never super into the process but he got on board. I think men have a bit of an ideal in mind about it happening unassisted? It is also worth trying for a few months to see if you get there - friend of mine just has just when she was about to pay for ivf. There ultimately isn't anything actually wrong with you so far as you know.

Also would be worth you starting some of the health related changes that could help you conceive. All the ivf girls read "it starts with the egg" - who knows how sound the advice is but it basically amounts to taking a vast array of supplements which if you can afford ivf you won't mind paying for!

Are you currently still ovulating regularly? If so I would be reluctant to start using up your harvested eggs at this stage.

Some people don't agree with engineering a baby...
Reproduction is a natural process, if it doesn't work naturally, some think it should be left alone. Tough for the person who wants to be a parent yes, children aren't a "right" though, just because something can be done, doesn't mean it should. He may be one of these people that think naturally is the only way it should be done, or not at all.

Is it that he doesn't want to have to pay towards IVF?

Have you had your hormone levels checked? My mum and sister went through menopause late 30's/early 40's. I had dc3 at 37 after 2 months of trying. I am now 44 and peri menopausal. It I got checked and was told all well.

IVF puts a massive strain on a couple so it’s completely fair for him to not want to go down that route. All you can do I open the conversation but putting pressure on line 6 months of trying etc will make conceiving harder as stress is known to impact. I personally would try for 6 months then have a frank conversation at that point.

As it seems he is on board with the reality of IVF in principle, do you think he would be more receptive to starting sooner if it were recommended to him from a medical professional. As others have said it would be helpful for him to explain the rational for wanting to wait as it seems he's set a fairly arbitrary deadline when you'd prefer to be more proactive given your fertility concerns. I wouldn't suggest doing so without him being aware- but could you contact a fertility doctor/IVF clinic to advise on a timeframe as a sort of independent (but not really as they want your business!) third party? If a doctor advised IVF after 6 months would be the best option do you think be would be more open to just cracking on?

You definitely need to have a conversation with DP - lay it on the line that you want to try everything to have a baby. Then come up with a plan you both agree with.

If you've only been trying a couple of months and are only planning to try for 6 months are you really doing everything you possibly can - tracking cycles, ovulation test, changes to diet (giving up alcohol etc.) I had no known issues and did all these things and conceiving still took 9 months.

Then i'd be looking at intermediate options like IUI before going down IVF. I don't know a lot about it but it seems less invasive. Also are there any tests for egg quality?

Just echoing all the PPs who have said to have an open and long conversation about this (possibly after a couple of drinks..?). And keep having conversations as you go through this process. Get used to saying "how are you feeling about this?" or words to that effect.

I'd also say, don't get too despondent about his attitude - it could easily change over time. At the moment, he is happy to TTC and that's great, that's all you need for now. He might be assuming you'll get pregnant within a few months with his super-sperm so what's the point in worrying about IVF etc - at the six-month mark (if it gets that far) he might be as worried as you are, and open to trying something else.

If it helps, when my husband and I decided to start TTC, we both said we'd just stop using contraception and "leave it to fate", not get too clinical about it etc. It wasn't long before both of us changed our minds about that.

You need to give it a bit more time. The NHS won't even do any testing until after 6 months of trying.

Also worth chatting about marriage before going down any fertility treatment paths. If sperm donation is anywhere likely in the future it's much simpler if you're married.

On to the IVF. I went through years of infertility and I wasn't keen on doing IVF. You can want a family but not want to do that process. Ok it's an easier physical process for a man, but it's still a huge emotional process. For me a huge concern was in 'playing god'. Almost like if our baby wasn't conceived naturally then should they even have been created. I'll note here that this was a very PERSONAL concern and is no judgement on anyone else who goes through the process.

You need to speak to your partner about his views on IVF. Don't make him feel bad if if he's not in the IVF headspace yet. He may get there. I did and thankfully I got pregnant naturally the cycle before starting IVF.

Some people don't agree with engineering a baby...

And yet most of them are happy to engineer not having a baby. And would be happy to have someone engineer an organ transplant for them.

Can you get some embryos frozen at the clinic now before your eggs get any older? Would your partner agree to this as a back-up? You may still go on to conceive naturally but then again you might not.

Tough for the person who wants to be a parent

Very tough indeed and worth compassion and medical help where possible.

children aren't a "right" though.

Children aren't a 'right' for people without fertility problems either.

just because something can be done, doesn't mean it should

Nor does it mean it shouldn't be done.

@Palavah the poster said 'some people'. It's a very personal thing and not a judgement on those that do go through IVF.

I remember asking the fertility doctor if there was any evidence about whether IVF babies were less healthy or had issues more often (he reassured me that there wasn't)

An honest conversation will solve your problems. Try to prepare before hand, and to remain as calm as possible. Try to understand the reason behind the "IVF-phobia".