DH sometimes does the washing...

[OffPointe]

...and/or hangs it up. I know, the nerve of the man..!

Short version:
DH randomly does the washing. Often it's 'wrong' and it irritates me. How do I stop 'laundry power-struggles' being a main feature or our marriage? Do I need to let it go? Or do I just need to whack him with the peg bag and tell him to get back into office where he belongs!?

Long version:
Today's crime is getting up before me and putting on a long and leisurely eco wash leaving out the swimming towels from yesterday which could do with being clean and dry for tomorrow (we don't have a tumble dryer), and for boring reasons a second load wouldn't get hung up until tonight. Previously, my trousers in that fabric that shouldn't shrink at 40 but does a bit anyway get washed at 40. Or the only half a dozen pegs we own which mark clothes (but are good for heavy towels) find their way on to my t-shirts. And other such petty issues.

I'm a sahm, he works full time mostly from home. We like each other, love even! and we have always done domestic tasks as required without argument or negotiation. Just whoever is best in a position to get it done gets it done 🤷‍♀️ which is usually me but not always. I don't mind washing, it is a non-event in my day and it isn't the drama often described on mn. We have spoken about peg or shrinking issues before, but there is always something else, y'know, and the other stuff gets forgotten. We can be boring old sods sometimes, but planning a daily washing discussion is a step too far I think.

There are plenty of jobs I hate he could do, a long new house 'to do' list, and he works full time with a stay at home wife happy to ensure everyone always has clean pants... So why is he so eager to do the bloody washing wrong?! I don't want to hurt his feelings or shoot myself in the foot by trying to insist he doesn't do it at all. But any advice on how to remove 'laundry power-struggles' from the list of defining features of our marriage would be much appreciated! 😄

But I don't care about washing being darked on so my standards are pretty low...

This is mine. Flipping annoying. The assumption that 'women's jobs' don't require deep attention to detail and planning.

I resolved it after years of pointless discussion, by moving all the washing into separate baskets. The family laundry basket is now his laundry basket, so he doesn't do mine anymore. The kids also do their own. No one ever asks me where their pe kit is.

The only issue with it is who uses the machine what day, but that shook itself down quite quickly. We leave the weekend for the kids, and we have it in the week.

DH is also banned. He does tiny washes, like 2 T-shirt’s or 1 towel. Just how his mummy did the washing though, the machine was on constantly with nothing in it.

Another household where we each do our own. DC all grown up and fled the next.

Turns out that even sharing a washing machine is too difficult for me. The machine is in the en-suite that DH uses.

He leaves his washing in the tub for ages after wash it. I am a fanatical take out and shake the minute the wash is finished.

Reader, I now have my own washer / dryer in the garage. It's bliss. And I'm not even sorry that this is one of my best presents ever to myself.

Ah OP, I feel ya. I have recently become a SAHM so I have enjoyed feeling more license to say, please leave the washing the fuck alone. For me the irritations of it are not so much about the detail of what he’s done to the washing (mainly violations of dried laundry, putting piles on top of my piles which crumples things and I do not iron). It’s more about the feeling that I have asked him so many times, please don’t do it this way, and he just cannot will not do it. This makes me feel disrespected and all kinds of disproportionate man hate. So we have agreed for the sake of harmony that there are certain things he will leave alone. He still has various things that he is great at he can do to feel involved.

I think division on labour is your only hope here.

You don't mind doing the laundry. He fucks it up. Not rocket science surely - so you now do all laundry.

As you said, there are loads of other things he could be in charge of. Not seeing the problem.

Well for a start I’d interrupt the long, interminable eco-wash, put it on quick-wash with a fast spin, and then get those bloody towels on.

When interrogated by the Wash-Meister I would simply say, ‘We need towels for tomorrow. I’m happy to take over’. And shrug.

What needs done needs done.

Is it the penis that makes him do an incredibly simple task wrongly do you think?

Any reason why you can't just ask him not to do the washing?

I accidentally solved this by buying a new and v complex washing machine that dh doesn't understand. My 3yo can work it though.

I have a really old fashioned marriage, I do all the inside the house jobs he does all the outside jobs!! He does take his washing downstairs and put in the basket, he does fill the dishwasher ( not up to my standard) and if course empty it. We share all the cooking I cook one night he cooks the next, I do all the inside house cleaning, washing ironing. He does all car cleaning and car stuff, all the gardening , outside window cleaning. This works well for us but I do know this is a very old fashion set up. The funny thing with the cooking is that I’m a very British traditional cook and he cooks much more internationally food after he has cooked he washes all the pots and fills the dishwasher, but I still go in and clean down all the worktop and floor.

just work out a system that works for u both, but no way would I want my dh doing the washing!!

DH and I are pretty equal when it comes to household tasks (actually he does more than me because of work) but I 'own' the washing for this exact reason. He does know how to do it and will put on a load if I ask, but I've had to explain why you shouldn't put cashmere on a 1200rpm spin and why to shake things out before hanging them up to dry. He's learning slowly but I'm happy to do the washing as my main chore as he does most of the school pick up, bins, dogs, kitchen, vacuuming and cooking.

"Can you say thank you but you don't need to worry about that." ?

Mine would get offended because he would know I'm telling him he's not good at domesticity, but he isn't.

I just absorb clearing up his "help" as part of my role and have an extra glass of wine :)

I thought this was going to be a rather different thread.

We certainly don’t share house drudgery 50:50, more like 85:15 (me being the 85) even though we both work BUT he doesn’t go near the laundry….he knows he would get it wrong.

Tamzo85 · 19/05/2022 15:40

Just do it yourself and make him do the things you hate and just make that “his” thing

That's it: make him do the things you hate and when he's finished send him out to the shops to buy you chocolate.

Sounds like a deliberate ploy to get out of doing much. You know, "come on that's not the right way to do it, give it to me and I'll (you) do it. Solved for these men.