DH sometimes does the washing...

[OffPointe]

...and/or hangs it up. I know, the nerve of the man..!

Short version:
DH randomly does the washing. Often it's 'wrong' and it irritates me. How do I stop 'laundry power-struggles' being a main feature or our marriage? Do I need to let it go? Or do I just need to whack him with the peg bag and tell him to get back into office where he belongs!?

Long version:
Today's crime is getting up before me and putting on a long and leisurely eco wash leaving out the swimming towels from yesterday which could do with being clean and dry for tomorrow (we don't have a tumble dryer), and for boring reasons a second load wouldn't get hung up until tonight. Previously, my trousers in that fabric that shouldn't shrink at 40 but does a bit anyway get washed at 40. Or the only half a dozen pegs we own which mark clothes (but are good for heavy towels) find their way on to my t-shirts. And other such petty issues.

I'm a sahm, he works full time mostly from home. We like each other, love even! and we have always done domestic tasks as required without argument or negotiation. Just whoever is best in a position to get it done gets it done 🤷‍♀️ which is usually me but not always. I don't mind washing, it is a non-event in my day and it isn't the drama often described on mn. We have spoken about peg or shrinking issues before, but there is always something else, y'know, and the other stuff gets forgotten. We can be boring old sods sometimes, but planning a daily washing discussion is a step too far I think.

There are plenty of jobs I hate he could do, a long new house 'to do' list, and he works full time with a stay at home wife happy to ensure everyone always has clean pants... So why is he so eager to do the bloody washing wrong?! I don't want to hurt his feelings or shoot myself in the foot by trying to insist he doesn't do it at all. But any advice on how to remove 'laundry power-struggles' from the list of defining features of our marriage would be much appreciated! 😄

In all seriousness, how big are your rooms that you have space for that? We only have enough room to chuck it all in the one basket! Although my sole cashmere jumper doesn't go in it, just in case.

DH and I have settled into an each wash our own agreement and we both wash the kids stuff when needed.

The dishwasher however is another story… (The sodding dishes will NOT be washed if you cram them in, stack plates on top of each other and wedge a chopping board in front of the water jets 🤬). I have become my mother in this respect and it could also end our marriage.

It's not very PC but we have some fairly distinct "Pink" and "Blue" jobs. Lawn mowing, car maintenance and gathering of coal and kindling are generally in the Blue section.
Laundry, ironing and kids afterschool and activity booking are mainly Pink jobs.
We both have the ability to multi skill into the opposite sector but the demarcation of duties works well in this household.

I am deliberately lazy in jobs I can't be arsed/naturally bad at doing e.g. organising the pan cupboard so everything stacks neatly, going food shopping, DIY. Those are strictly DH tasks as he is good at them and is outraged when I fuck them up attempt them.

DH is also shit at laundry, so I do it. He also doesn't seem to notice when bins need emptying, hovering needs doing etc. So again the more proactive stuff is my area. Play to your strengths!

I feel your pain. We have come to a compromise. Only after I threatened to kill him dead if he put any more big fuck off peg marks on my good blouses for work 😁

He seems strangely drawn to the washing machine, despite it not being his forte, and likes to ram too much stuff in, wash it at too short a wash and low temperature so the washing pods don’t melt properly and I find random big blobs dried on my clothes like bubble gum. Then leaves it in machine for a while to ensure extra creasing. Then hangs out in a v haphazard fashion. And then, and this really rips my knitting, takes it in and packs it all into a washing basket so it can get even more creased 😫

Now we have agreed our towels and bedding go to get washed and dried by the nice people in the laundrette. He takes, collects and pays for it. He now only washes his own clothes if he feels a need to put a washing on, and does not touch mine.

This is not perfect as I still need to see all his clothes that have been needlessly creased to fuck but at least my stuff is washed, dried and hung up correctly 😂

DP double parks towels and clothes on top of each other in radiators that aren't on. Everything smells musty when he does it ..blergh.

@PenCreed there are 4 for the entire household (6 of us before the eldest moved out).

The DC know if their clothes don't make it into the baskets they don't get washed!!

I think in our old much smaller house there was one basket but it was still split into those 4 loads but I guess I kept my "specials" on my floordrobe until I had a load to wash.

Or house isn't large but it has a handy space on the landing where the baskets are lined up rather than hosting and attractive unit or similar.

Ah, I wish our house had space for that!

The random 'helpful' loads 🤨
The washing not hung correctly on the whirly / clothes horse to dry
Makes me twitch!

Ah -I feel your pain! cutting a long story short - at the start of the 1st lockdown 17yrs old DS was 'studying from home' -not. DH and I worked full time all through - DH out of the house but I was WFH from March 2020 and still am- work do not want us in again ever I think! They have rented our our office out.
DS agreed he would wash and hang his laundry on the long line we have in our back garden. You don't need pegs apparently!
Twas draped inside out and back to front over the line with not a single peg in sight. The he wondered why stuff fell off the line and his pants blew into next doors garden.
This kid used to 'help' with the washing regular when he was a wee cherub as well but obviously had not taken it on board
Before anyone says it's male entitlement he was put right straightaway and is now fully capable of dealing washing his clothes!

I am very particular about my laundry and also have some things that need gentle wash, etc.

I do my own, DP does his own, and whatever gets dumped into the third category (the laundry area sink), ie, tea towels, bath towels, sheets etc, get done by whoever arrives there first - or on whatever sunny day presents itself.

I’m the rubbish one. DH is the clean and tidy anal one.
he washes his own and I do mine. He hand washes his precious cashmere stuff and irons most of his things. Irons mine if I ask him nicely.

We both do the general stuff, towels, sheets etc. However, I fail to fold things properly apparently. Nor do I hang things on the drying rack optimally to minimise creases. And, as I’m allergic to bio powder, he often washes the general stuff twice, once with bio to get it “properly clean” and then with non bio.

I drive him bonkers. 😈

When we first had DC and I had nothing else t8 worry about I became irate about DH’s laundry skills. He just doesn’t do it to my standards
not turning things the right way round) not separating colours , types of laundry. Not shaking to uncrease before hanging. He doesn’t put things away either . It piles up in our utility room so that I can’t bear to go in and keeps putting more loads in
I feel your pain. Even our kids know that daddy is crap at laundry.

It’s got a bit better over 10 years. I have a basket for specials too. Your fussiness is another level though OP.

I get really annoyed with dp not doing housework And then I get really annoyed when he does it differently to me.
I think we are BU 😂😂

My DH doesn't see the need for pegs either, then huffs and puffs and carries on like he's being victimised if I point out his shirts are lying on the lawn. I swear he thinks I run out behind his back, chuckling to myself, and knock his washing off to make a point.

Tumble dryer wars were such that we just don't have one any more. He can't be trusted.

Put a padlock on the washing machine door. That'll put a stop to his soapy shenanigans.

Oh and the not putting stuff away! That’s the most painful job that takes the longest. He has never done it. I try and stagger my washing as I hate it all pilling up. Yet he puts load after random load on and let’s it all pile up. I feel stressed just looking at it all.

I very particular about washing so DH doesn't go near it apart from the odd time he has brought it in if it looks like rain and I'm not there, then it usually looks like it needs washing again, he always drapes it over his arm all bunched up so it all creases, it's ok if it's towels but not if it is cotton clothes so YANBU

This is a good idea. I do this as well - separate anything that needs a special wash.

But also, just be honest with him and tell him how it's making you feel. Talk it over and sort it out.

(i.e. number one solution to pretty much all relationship issues!)

I think we might be @catfunk -sshhhh!!

It's nice to know I'm not alone though thanks all! And the tales of crazy (non) folding have made me feel much better, my dh is an excellent folder-upper, better than I am, I don't have the time or inclination to precisely origami pairs of socks.

It's totally the opposite in our household, DH never does ANY washing, not anything, and it drives me utterly insane. He can't even put his dirty washing in the laundry basket EVEN AFTER I MOVED INTO OUR BEDROOM TO MAKE IT EASIER! Neither will he put his clothes away after I've washed, dried and ironed it.

I have in the past gone on strike and refused to wash anything of his because he was just hoarding it and would just dump it in the basket just as I thought I'd got on top of it all. He has now been told if ever does that again I WILL burn all his clothes.

Your situation sounds bad OP, but at least he tries (sort of)

Ah, laundry crimes, love it. My DH's crime: he'll think I want to wear that particular hoody and put a dark wash on even though he's got heaps of others he can wear and there are only a couple of other darks, but a ton of whites that need doing now (because I already did darks) and he just doesn't think often to put a load on on days when he's home / the basket is full / the weather is dry but we're away the next few days. Just doesn't get my routine / think about the bigger laundry picture.

Also he hangs stuff wrong, drapes stuff over loads of rungs (so his stuff will dry quicker) without thinking that doesn't leave room for everything else. And doesn't shake stuff out properly.

Come to think about it these things really rather annoy me......hmmm.

To add, he does however understand that laundry mustn't be left out to get darked on, so I'll give him that.

If DH does a job differently to me as long as it's reasonably close to being 'right' I am fine with that. Peg marks on clothes would not bother me.