To wonder if there is some sort of metric like the 6 months for every year after a break-up rule for when you get over bereavement?

[OnceMoreWithoutFeeling]

Coming up to 3 years since my mum died, and when it comes around it always throws me back into the pain of it all over again. And yes it's not as devastating as last year, which wasn't as devastating as the time before that.

But by God it still hurts; it's almost like being delirious with fever in the sense that my memories are uncontrollable, they come over me unbidden and they feel so very real, I can't just snap out of them.

I feel sort of unreal, like I'm not here I'm somewhere else with this awful thing that happened but still having to go through the motions of life.

I was stood in a queue ordering some lunch, and I looked at all the other people and thought it was insane - probably we all have these awful things going on inside us, I imagined what it would be like if they were in a bubble over our heads that everyone could see, like a cast on a limb or something.

Will I ever ever get over this? Will this anniversary ever just make me feel a little wistful and nostalgic, and then move forward, rather than feel like I need to go back to counselling every bloody year? How long?

She was my mum for 34 years before I lost her. so following the 6 months rule that's 17 years before I'm 'over it'. 14 to go then. My daughters will be teenagers. Incredible thought.

The easiest thing to do is to accept that you won’t get over it. It’s not a question of getting over it, especially with a parent or other close relative. You just slowly get used to not having them around. You smile more and cry less as happy memories come to the fore, but it doesn’t go away, and that time is different for everyone.
Its not a bad thing - it shows their presence in your thoughts and heart. Given time you’ll start to watch and prepare for triggers which makes it easier. My mum died at 53, 27 years ago when I was 23. Even now on her birthday I drink champagne. It makes me cry and smile at the same time.

Mums been gone 5 years and I feel wretched the 2-3 months leading up to it then it's like a cloud lifts. Random moments throughout the year are when I grieve hardest, like being in a shop and realising it's a Tuesday and that was our night to have tea together.

My mum never got over her mums death.

RE the 6 month rule, sorry but I think its tosh in general. Been with DH ten years, like fuck would I waste 5 years grieving over him if he moved out X

I don't think there can be any sort of rule. We're all different, our relationships with our mums are different.

You lost your mum young, that must make a difference.

My mum died in 2020; she was 90, I was 44. She missed my dad, she had alzheimers and vascular dementia, she was adamant she wanted to go.

It was sad, of course it was, but I don't feel anything like what you describe. I couldn't tell you the date she died, or the date of my dad's death, in 2012. I don't tend to tell people this as I have been told I'm heartless and cold. But I know that I love my parents and that they loved me and I miss them. It just looks different for everyone.

There are no rules.

In Judaism we have 7 days for raw grief, 30 days for understanding and accepting it, and one year for coming to terms with life without that person.

Anniversaries are shit. They're just shit. Every year I think 'if I just do X I'll be able to handle it' and every year it catches me out again.

I have a friend who lost her husband after they'd been married for 4 years - they only knew each other for 7 years in total. 15 years later she is still in a state for pretty much the whole of the month of his death. In general she does OK now but not at those times.

Humans aren't machines. We don't have rules. We just feel.

I don't think there's a rule. My best friend died 13 years ago, for quite some time now she's been a lovely memory that makes me smile, but at times the pain still hits hard - as it should, really.

I found focusing on the good bits rather than my grief helped me through it, but it's different for everyone.

I don't think you ever get over these things completely. The pain dies down over time but it's been nearly 15 years since I lost my grandparents and I still miss them dearly.

That said, I woudn't want to completely get over it. The pain and hurt of losing people is, after all, tied into the joy and happiness you shared when you were together.

I don't know op.
I was thinking recently that it took about 10 years for me to lose my sense of resentment over my dad's sudden death. Only time and experience of other situations taught that lesson.

It's true it's situational. My mum was only 60, and she took her own life. It was such a shock. Although I should have known it was coming. I didn't get to say goodbye and that's one of the worst things, I sometimes want with a physical pain to have one more talk with her, even a post-hoc talk, to say I'm sorry, to talk to her. I dream about having that talk, literally I've had the same dream so many times where she's dead but she's there and we talk about it. My mum was there when her mum died, holding her hand, in an old folk's home with dementia at 92. She found it incredibly healing of what had been at times a difficult relationship. It was actually a treasured memory, being there for her death.

I had to go to my mum's house where she died and clean up. It was bloody awful. I suppose I should be grateful I wasn't the one who found her, that was her poor friend. There's a memory that she will never be able to rub out. I sent her flowers on the day for the last two years, to say sorry almost that she had to go through that. I don't think I will this year, because otherwise when will it ever end?

These are the kind of thoughts and memories that go round and round.

It's been 10 years this year since I lost my mum, also at 34. It doesn't go away when it's your mum but it does get easier to bear over time and you get used to it. I still cry for my mum though, I always will. I'm sorry for your loss lovely xxx

No. There's no rule. There can't be, because the nature of the death and the relationship is fundamental. A sudden, untimely or traumatic death is going to be much harder to deal with than an expected and possibly welcome death.

I don't recall the anniversary of either my father's or (shockingly to many) my late husband's death. It doesn't mean that I didn't love them dearly, it just means that the time and date isn't important to me, and that my grieving started long before, as they both had long, ultimately terminal illnesses.

Had either died in, say, a road accident or suicide, with no chance for me to say goodbye, I'm sure I'd still be struggling hugely now, rather thank just missing their presence sometimes and having warm memories.

In Judaism we have 7 days for raw grief, 30 days for understanding and accepting it, and one year for coming to terms with life without that person

I like the idea of that, the form of it. I feel like I didn't even touch the sides of grief for months, there was so much to DO and it was all on me. The funeral felt like organising a play I had to star in and wasn't allowed to rehearse. Cancelling all her bills, sorting out selling her house... so much got in the way. She died in July and I didn't properly collapse into the pain until about November. It's a mess. I wonder if I had just laid down and cried for a week if that would have been healthier, if I would be off this carousel yet.

I was typing my.previous post when your post was published, so didn't know your mum took her own life as I wrote. So yes, your grief is understandably huge and difficult to resolve.
Have you been in touch with any organisations that support people whose family members have taken their own lives? Some outside professional help might be beneficial.

No there isn't. Sorry and I don't believe it would be 6 months for every year you knew them as it doesn't work that way.

My sister died very tragically 5 years ago , I'm in my 50s.
It won't be 25 years before I get over it as it already hurts less than it did 2 years ago. I still miss her think about her most days and still get washes of pain and cry - but nowhere near like I did the first two years. I don't remember much of the first year.

But it does get easier . I spoke to my sister most days and we were very close and she was like a second parent (a beloved auntie) to my DCs

I think healing happens in relationships , so if you have good support from others who are there and listen even if silently sitting with you, then you can process the loss a bit easier.

But all sorts of things complicate grief including things unsaid, (things said that you may regret is also a thing) things done (or not done), what time you had to say goodbye or come to terms (so slow long illness versus sudden loss although you can have memories you don't want to keep) , how much of a hole losing your loved one left in your life, and so many other factors

Find good friends and good support if you can xxx

@saraclara I had a call with an amazing volunteer from SOBS. He'd lost his teenage son. It was a good call at the time, made me feel better. I've had acres and acres of counselling, some on the NHS, then another round I paid for myself. I've got a bunch of other issues, it's not like I was skipping through the fields before my mum died. It's just the way I am. But every year around this time I feel like I'm just drowning in everything that's wrong and can't be fixed.

I don’t think these things are linear, memorable places, smells, dates etc can trigger raw emotions even when you feel you have learned to cope. In your case you had no time to get used to idea in advance like people do when there had been a prolonged illness. You may even have questions or anger around her passing. Maybe talking therapy could help.

Ah cross posted.

You had a very sudden loss OP. That itself leaves this incredible shock loss. And regrets even if they don't fairly belong to you. When someone kills the self, it's what your mum did, and chose at that moment to do. not caused by what you did or didn't do. Please remember that.

Suicide is a terrible waste, but mum felt she wanted peace and for the world to stop turning for her. It shouldn't stop your world turning please don't feel guilt for that.

I hope it somehow makes you see how important it is to do things you enjoy for yourself, be kind to yourself, spend time with positive good friends, and don't try to carry mums burdens. They're not yours to carry xxx

If you struggle at this time of year, consider booking a couple of counselling sessions to help you, if it's been helpful before. Sometimes being able to "let it out" to someone completely separate from the situation can be helpful.

If you're finding that it's particular events or times of year, maybe book some sessions from slightly earlier than you think you'll need them - it can be easier to maintain how you feel, than needing to recover. Kind of like when you take preventative hay fever medicine before hay fever season gets under way - it's less harsh than having to take the antihistamines.

I'm obsessed with dates so tend to remember when things happen. My husband died 10 years ago. I still occasionally feel sad and feel more sad for my children who were 16 and 18 when he died so he missed so much of their successes at uni and work.
I got married again 12 days ago and my new husband mentioned him in his speech and he got really emotional at that point. I was very touched. I can still cry and do at certain times but very privately.

I do worry when the grief takes over people's lives and doesn't let them do anything new on the anniversary or on other occasions. I know my late husband would not have wanted that. My mother in law (late husband's mum) lost her husband in her 60s. They had had Christmas with us 6 months before he died and I tried too hard to join our families together....it didn't work and as he died suddenly she spent the next 20 years reminding me how I had ruined his last Christmas. I felt very angry at that.

@123ZYX That's an excellent idea. I think I will do that! Counselling always feels like I need to 'commit' to it somehow and 'fix' myself with it. like months of sessions! But it doesn't need to be that. I'll never be fixed. I just need to hang in there and the odd session at key moments might do it.

I think I'm alone too much now. Since Covid we've been 'working from home', which for me means working at the open office facility work provided as there's nowhere for my desk at home. So I'm with people but with strangers and it's similar to the weird feeling of being here but not here, amplifies it. Last week I had all my team in the office working hard together on a one off project. It was amazing, I felt very real. Wish I could get more of that.

@Musicaltheatremum Aw that's lovely. Beautiful that he honours your whole life to that point, not just the bit where he features largely. Your new husband sounds like a real goodun.

Coming up to two years since I lost my mum (suddenly and unexpectedly). In some ways the grief gets harder - the finality and totality of it physically hurts when I let my mind wonder but day to day it's got a bit easier now.

Being motherless to be is like being lost and incomplete and anchorless. I cope and I even manage to smile and laugh but I'm different now. I'm adrift, I'm missing something, I'm not who I was before.

@Crunchymum

the finality and totality of it physically hurts

I feel this so hard. I'm sorry it's like this for you too.

There's a quote from a TV show that came out last year (WandaVision. Yes I know its a silly Superhero thing but hear me out) that really helped me deal with my grief over my Mums death. The quote is -

"What is grief if not love persevering?"

It made me reframe what I'm actually feeling. When I'm feeling grief I'm not feeling this horrible feeling that needs to be shoved away in a box so I don't hurt any more, I'm feeling love for my mother.

And yes sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming because she's not here any more so theres no outlet for it and sometimes I just really want to talk to my Mum, but that doesn't mean I don't want that feeling any more, it just means I need to deal with it better.

I need to let it become part of me, because I don't think anyone gets over loss, they just learn to live with it, it becomes part of them. Which brings me on to quote number 2 that I love, from Terry Pratchett.

"No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence."

My grief for my mum is one of those ripples. Hell, I am one of those ripples.

I don't know if I'm making sense here, but what I think I'm trying to say is that grief isn't an obstacle to get over or push aside, its something you bring inside yourself, make it a part of you, and then move forward.

My mum died when I was 13 and my brother 16. Grief isn't linear, I'd be ok then not, extra sad at key moments (pregnancy, wedding), fine for one anniversary and grief stricken a few years later. It's had a much greater impact on my brother, he never grieved properly at the time and he's been in and out of counselling for a decade and it's just starting to really help. It does stop being at the forefront of your mind, but give yourself a break and accept any feelings are ok.