To still go even though he doesn't want me to?

[HolidayWoes18]

DH was treated pretty appallingly by his ex wife in terms of infidelity. Numerous affairs, ONS, including some after they tried to make it work again after separating. They were together for 10 years and had DC.

He has some insecurity issues due to this and I do understand. We've come a long way since we've been together (6 years and DC together).

He used to get worried if I went out on nights out, it would cause arguments. Told him back then I wouldn't accept that/be punished for her behaviour and his issues and to be fair to him he worked hard (saw a counselor etc..) and we've moved past that and generally he is pretty laid back now about things... Or so I thought.

Anyway, I've been invited on holiday with a couple of friends. It's to a well known 'clubbing' place however that's not the part we'd be staying in nor would we be doing that all holiday! (I like my bed after 10pm since the DC 🤣).

He's started up again saying he doesn't want me to go, thinks couples shouldn't go on these holidays once they are married, worried about something happening etc etc. I think this is a big thing as one of the times his ex cheated was on a holiday she said she was with someone else on but she'd actually gone with another guy so it's obviously a sore point.

Anyway.. basically AIBU to say whilst I understand his worry, I'm still going. I do not expect my life to be restricted because his ex was a twat, I am not her and if he doesn't trust me by now then that's not my problem?

I'm still going. I do not expect my life to be restricted because his ex was a twat, I am not her and if he doesn't trust me by now then that's not my problem

You’re right and what you’ve said here is all there is to say.

I had an ex who cheated on me with at least 2 women. Doesn't mean that I don't trust my boyfriend. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I didn't trust. And after being in a controlling relationship, I wouldn't be in a relationship where I had to adjust my life in case he thought I would cheat.

He can’t beat you with a stick for life because of his ex wife’s behaviour.

I think you're taking the right approach, OP, because if it's holidays now, where does it end?

He has the problem, he has to work on it. And tbh if my OH said that to me I'd tell him to think long and hard about why i would stay with someone who is basically accusing me of wanting to cheat.

How long is it for? To be honest I can't imagine wanting to go away without my DH and he wouldn't go away without me. But it's just not something that we do. So I can understand him not wanting to be away from you. But it's not fair for him to put the problems he had with his ex, on you because you're not her and he should trust you. So if that's the reason for him not wanting you to go then he's being unfair.

It's for a week

I agree that you should still go, maybe he needs help to work through his feelings and get his head in a better place. A place were he can actually trust you and not put his ex's behaviour onto you. I can fully understand how difficult it must be for him, really i do. However you don't deserve to be paying the consequences for his ex's infidelities. He has to find a way to learn to let his walls down and build up his trust with you so he is comfortable in these situations and realises you are not going to do what his ex did to him. Good luck to you both 💐

You're not unreasonable at all. You cannot be held to ransom for something his ex wife did many years ago, and it's not his right to control your free time. I suspect he knows this, but feels he has to just say it anyway.

Would there be something you could put in place that would reassure him (daily texts?) that isn't obstructive to you enjoying your time, but that would make a difference to him? I'm all for being supportive to other people, but it has to marry up with what you're capable of giving rather than constant reassurance for him whilst you are away.

Go on the holiday, basically.

DH was treated pretty appallingly by his ex wife in terms of infidelity. Numerous affairs, ONS, including some after they tried to make it work again after separating.

Irrelevant. You are not his ex, and you'd be crazy to give into any of his insecurities. How dare he insinuate that you will cheat on him. I'd be furious if I were you, but then again I would never have stayed in a relationship with a man like this. This is abusive behaviour.

Out of interest
if you and your friends have no interest in clubbing
why are you subjecting yourself to such a place when there are so so many beautiful places that aren’t “clubbing” areas?

It's probably Ibiza. Beautiful varied island DESPITE all the clubbing.

Good for you OP. His neediness isn't your problem and he's lucky you're not leaving him over that alone never mind over another man. I'd be gone.

If it’s Ibiza - I’ve been a couple of times and not been in a club. There’s more to the island than that - it’s lovely.

Go away. It’s his problem and he needs to work it out. I was single for 8 years before I met my OH. I still go away on my own - he has kids and I don’t want to go away in school hols.

Anyway.. basically AIBU to say whilst I understand his worry, I'm still going

the key is what is his response to this?

i can understand his anxiety given how badly he has been hurt in the past
as long as he accepts your decision without drama

I was assuming Ibiza too. It’s a beautiful island.

It is Ibiza yes 😊

And the other questions posters have answered?!

I would gently remind him that we’d had this discussion - and he’d had his counselling - so you’re going.

Maybe watch out for him changing tack to blame cost, length of time, too hard for him with kids without you, kids missing you… remember the original driver and hold firm.

Asked

Ibiza is seen as a clubbing destination however they have the old town which people go to for relaxing/family holidays

YANBU You are not her. However I would reassure him once you're there, with lots of holiday photos of you enjoying your holiday with your friends.

Anxiety only gets worse if you feed it. If you didn't go, it wouldn't reassure him as he wouldn't learn to deal with his fears, and that they are unfounded. Going will ultimately teach him to trust you in the future.

Agree fully with the sentiment of “I’m not stopping doing things because my partner wants me to”

but just recalling previous threads where a husband has gone on a lads holiday and the consensus seems to have been that he’s immature and shouldn’t do that.

This is a tricky one for me because if my friends were going on a week-long holiday to Ibiza I would absolutely want to go - however I would hate it if DH did that and would make my feelings known! Which obviously isn't fair.

Luckily dh doesn't have any friends and is much more of a stay-at-home type to me 😂 but I can understand your dh's feelings...I'd be jealous. I think if he really didn't want me to go I wouldn't bc I'd feel a bit hypocritical.

It depends though, doesn't it? If it was a one off and the partner often prioritised the couple's relationship and did a lot of the childcare when they were around, I'd think it was fine. If they were generally selfish and always prioritising their own needs, or putting their friends above their partner, then I'd say it was unreasonable.

Very simply, if he's worried that a trip to Ibiza is going to lead to you cheating, then he (and you) have a much bigger problem. At best, he's projecting his ex's behaviour onto you. At worst, he doesn't actually trust you. He does know that you could have sex on a Tuesday morning with a bloke you met at a coffee shop right?

Your response is perfect. Don't indulge it.

Having said that, depending on how old your children are, that might be an issue.... Neither Dh nor I would have dreamed of heading off on a week long jolly when kids were small. They're older and easier now so we might, but even then, a week feels long for the other one to be left doing everything unless the other one has a similar trip planned at another time.