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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

47 replies

Roghtab · 19/05/2022 09:25

Genuinely unsure so asking if I'm wrong.

Background:
DH works 4 days a week. I work 3 days a week. I do all the cooking, cleaning and also take care of all 'life admin'. DH is 'in charge' of food shopping, going once a week every Wednesday, a day I work.

Came home yesterday, and went to cook but DH hadn't been shopping. He had lost track of time and spent the day doing DIY.

I felt really let down. He's now working his 4 days from today so I'll have to go and do the shop, on top of other chores. AIBU to feel pissed off or am I overreacting and this is just life stuff sometimes?

OP posts:
NewIdeasToday · 19/05/2022 09:27

He spent the day doing DIY not partying. You’re being unreasonable. Plus life as a married couple doesn’t mean every single
task has to be pre-allocated.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 19/05/2022 09:27

I think it’s concerning you actually need to ask for validation over something like this, is there something else going on? Sure, it’s annoying but if it’s a one off it’s really not a big deal

AntarcticTern · 19/05/2022 09:27

I think this is just life stuff tbh. He was doing DIY so I'm more sympathetic than if he was on the Xbox! Make sure he does some extra cooking or cleaning this weekend!

Topgub · 19/05/2022 09:28

Why couldn't he have gone that night?

Or done an online shop?

Think you need to divide the chores up a bit better.

ZekeZeke · 19/05/2022 09:30

Stores open late.
He can go after dinner and do the food shopping?
If you don't feel the chores are evenly distributed make a list of everything and I mean everything. Sit down with him and agree who does what, with a rota if necessary.

I don't need to do this because DH does his fair share without being asked. We don't have set jobs, each of us just does what needs doing. We are adults and partners.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 19/05/2022 09:30

If he was doing DIY, he's likely taken care of other work needing done that's probably much more taxing than a food shop so I wouldn't get worked up.
Could you not get a few bits for today and ask him to do the big food shop on the way home from work?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/05/2022 09:30

why cant he go after work or this a case of "my husband works really long hours" when in reality its like 7pm

Vsirbdo · 19/05/2022 09:31

I’d of expected that he either went in the evening or went tonight after work and not just add to your workload. I don’t really think the way your jobs are shared is fair which then makes something like this feel quite big

fancyfrogs · 19/05/2022 09:32

I can understand why it might be a bit annoying but honestly think you just have to move on and forget it

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 19/05/2022 09:34

If he was doing diy all day you clearly don’t do all other chores. As said, sure it’s a pain to have to go shopping when you were not planning to, but as said the fact you need to come and ask for validation of your feelings is quite concerning, this is just petty life stuff, unless there is a whole back story about to come out.

Original poster
Roghtab · 19/05/2022 09:34

I'm so glad I posted, thank you for the replies!

He could go after work but he'll be shattered (physical job), makes more sense for me to just get it done today.

I'll think no more of it! Must be a bit over emotional this week.

OP posts:
lisavanderpumpscloset · 19/05/2022 09:35

You feel let down because all the cooking, cleaning and life admin fall to you. Time to find a better balance between the 2 of you

CooooCoooo · 19/05/2022 09:37

You're overreacting if you feel let down, sorry. He replaced one chore with another and got carried away doing it - it's not a big deal at all. Why do you have to go out and do the shop? He can go after work or he can do an online shop.

Irishfarmer · 19/05/2022 10:07

Ah I'd prob be annoyed but get over it very quickly. If it's a once off and he really was going DIY and got distracted.

billy1966 · 19/05/2022 10:16

The balance seems very off, is that why you are upset?

Why couldn't he have done it after the DIY?

Lsquiggles · 19/05/2022 10:21

If food shopping is the one thing he contributes to the house then YANBU. I agree with pp that your frustration likely stems from the uneven distribution of chores

AryaStarkWolf · 19/05/2022 10:29

It's very unreasonable that that's his only household job actually. Be pissed about that too imo and yes he's very unreasonable to not have done it

Heyisforhorses · 19/05/2022 10:32

Does he do absolutely no cleaning on the 3 days he is off? No food prepping at all? If not then things need to be looked if all he does is the shopping. If he finds that a big task, put it to delivery or click and collect and he can take a different task.

For it to happen once when he was doing DIY, i voted YABU but if he literally does nothing else then YANBU

Staynow · 19/05/2022 10:42

Why didn't he just go out and do it when you realised? I disagree with others, I suspect he'd rather do DIY then shop and knowing you had the next day off he thought he'd just dump it on you.

LoudingVoice · 19/05/2022 10:47

In the grand scheme of things irritating but not the end of the world, why didn’t he just go when he realised?

Get an online delivery sorted, takes away the job!

AryaStarkWolf · 19/05/2022 10:52

Staynow · 19/05/2022 10:42

Why didn't he just go out and do it when you realised? I disagree with others, I suspect he'd rather do DIY then shop and knowing you had the next day off he thought he'd just dump it on you.

Yep. Sounds like he thought since he's doing the "man jobs" the OP should be a good woman.....

RandomQuest · 19/05/2022 11:01

Agree it’s annoying but he was doing DIY and does usually do the shop so I’d give him the benefit of the doubt when he said time ran away from him and not get hung up on it. Go today and do a quick shop to get enough for the next couple of days. He can do the big shop on Saturday, or whenever his next off is, since it’s still his responsibility. And in future seriously consider doing it online so the food shop and the DIY isn’t an either/or. He can still be responsible for doing the shop online and being in to take delivery.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/05/2022 11:08

I think YABU if it was just a one off. Though I'd be getting him to go one evening instead of you doing it.

I do think your split in chores sounds off though. You're only at home one day more than him, presumably you have kids that need childcare and that's why you're both part time, but you have the entire housework, cooking and life admin to try and fit into those 8 hours, while on his day off he has an hour or so food shopping (unless he also does a lot of diy and gardening or something that takes up all his 8 hours regularly)

Original poster
Roghtab · 19/05/2022 12:29

Heyisforhorses · 19/05/2022 10:32

Does he do absolutely no cleaning on the 3 days he is off? No food prepping at all? If not then things need to be looked if all he does is the shopping. If he finds that a big task, put it to delivery or click and collect and he can take a different task.

For it to happen once when he was doing DIY, i voted YABU but if he literally does nothing else then YANBU

He might vacuum the living room once in a while, but apart from that, nothing else.

I think I was upset because it's literally his only responsibility/task and he just...didn't do it. I thought he should have time managed better. But definitely take on board that I'm AIBU!

OP posts:
Topgub · 19/05/2022 12:38

@Roghtab

Youre not unreasonable.

Your split isn't fair.

Id be 'too caught up' in all the jobs you do today to do the shopping.