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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

47 replies

Roghtab · 19/05/2022 09:25

Genuinely unsure so asking if I'm wrong.

Background:
DH works 4 days a week. I work 3 days a week. I do all the cooking, cleaning and also take care of all 'life admin'. DH is 'in charge' of food shopping, going once a week every Wednesday, a day I work.

Came home yesterday, and went to cook but DH hadn't been shopping. He had lost track of time and spent the day doing DIY.

I felt really let down. He's now working his 4 days from today so I'll have to go and do the shop, on top of other chores. AIBU to feel pissed off or am I overreacting and this is just life stuff sometimes?

OP posts:

MrMrsJones · 19/05/2022 12:42

Topgub · 19/05/2022 12:38

@Roghtab

Youre not unreasonable.

Your split isn't fair.

Id be 'too caught up' in all the jobs you do today to do the shopping.

This

Your split of chores isn't fair

MrMrsJones · 19/05/2022 12:43

In fact I would do an online shop each month/week

And split the cooking and housework between you

Triffid1 · 19/05/2022 12:46

YABU to be so annoyed about a once off.

BUT... it's clear that there's a disproportionate amount of stuff falling to you. And also the assumption that if he's got other stuff on, you'll just pick up his stuff. So, arguably, the DIY was a perfectly reasonable reason to struggle to get to the shop. But it's not like he said to you, "Look, I'm never going to make it to the shop today - will you be able to please work it into your schedule for tomorrow or if I do an online shop, can you unpack it on Friday?" or whatever. And if you're anything like me, THAT is what is infuriating you.

DH picked up some extra work a few years ago. And just promptly dropped all his chores. He felt that I was being unsupportive when I complained. But I felt that it wasn't just that he didn't do them, it was that he didn't even bloody think about them or care how him dropping them impacted the rest of us.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/05/2022 12:51

Roghtab · 19/05/2022 12:29

He might vacuum the living room once in a while, but apart from that, nothing else.

I think I was upset because it's literally his only responsibility/task and he just...didn't do it. I thought he should have time managed better. But definitely take on board that I'm AIBU!

Show quote history

You're not BU unreasonable though, not in the grand scheme of things. The more important question here though is WHY is that his only household job? Why are you doing everything else? You only have 1 extra day off

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2022 12:55

Use online shopping from now on and tell him he has to start pulling his weight at home. Him doing nothing aside from going to the store is completely unacceptable. It's astonishing that you have tolerated this shit. You're not his skivvy, FFS.

Original poster

Roghtab · 19/05/2022 13:02

@Triffid1 You've hit the nail on the head I think - if he'd called me to say 'no time to food shop today' then I'd have done it on my way home - shop is literally on my way home. Teamwork! Rather than got home, unwound a bit, then discover nothing in the fridge. :(

I felt let down that he gave it no thought.

I give everything thought. Planning, booking, phoning, I can't just drop something, there's no one to pick it up.

Cooking and cleaning I don't mind at all, life admin I'd love help with but he's dyslexic and never used a computer and most stuff is online now, plus he'd forget stuff like insurance.

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 19/05/2022 13:12

Roghtab · 19/05/2022 13:02

I felt let down that he gave it no thought.

I give everything thought. Planning, booking, phoning, I can't just drop something, there's no one to pick it up.

Cooking and cleaning I don't mind at all, life admin I'd love help with but he's dyslexic and never used a computer and most stuff is online now, plus he'd forget stuff like insurance.

Ultimately, he sees his weekly shopping trip as a FAVOUR to you. So you don't get to complain if he doesn't do it.

I'm sorry OP. In our case, the resentment and frustration built up so much that I honestly think we got quite close to divorce as it was just small thing after small thing after small thing and resentment was massively building up. We certainly had the most massive of blowouts. But we've both worked hard since then. In DH's case, by understanding that he can't just drop things and expect me to magically pick them up. And in my case, by being more understanding that actually he is doing a lot and that sometimes he needs me appreciate that more.

the key thing here though was that we BOTH made an effort to understand the other one's point of view.

billy1966 · 19/05/2022 14:33

It is truly gob smacking how little some men do.

No wonder so many women are delighted to be divorced.

He has 3 days to himself every week and still can't do one small task.🙄

How do women stomach sex with such lazy wasters?

I suppose if your bar is so low expectation wise, you can just drift into being a total skivvy in your own home.

How convenient that dyslexia has stopped him doing any life admin or using a computer.

Never heard of that one before.🙄

It certainly hasn't stopped the many dyslexics that I know.

OP, you deserve better.

10HailMarys · 19/05/2022 15:51

How convenient that dyslexia has stopped him doing any life admin or using a computer.
Never heard of that one before.🙄
It certainly hasn't stopped the many dyslexics that I know.

Dyslexia covers a whole spectrum of problems and varies hugely in severity. I work with a dyslexic colleague who is a professional communicator and writes complicated briefings etc. By contrast, my friend's son is dyslexic and is still pretty much functionally illiterate in his mid-20s. He has to have help with all his life admin and he doesn't use computers. He can read and write some individual words but not a coherent sentence.

holdthepineappleextracheese · 19/05/2022 15:58

So order a takeaway and he can go tomorrow

luxxlisbon · 19/05/2022 15:58

It’s hardly his “only responsibility” if he spent all day going DIY - home upkeep which needs to be done.

LittleOwl153 · 19/05/2022 16:04

I think his response when he realised would be very telling. Was he apologetic or was it just a case of oh well you'll have to sort it then?

What happened about dinner? Did he scrabble around the kitchen to make something with what's there or order a take out or did he leave that you to to ensure HE was fed?

He needs some more jobs and some consequences if he doesn't do them. Why should you skivvy around d after him - he's a grown man after all!!

Heyisforhorses · 19/05/2022 20:50

@Roghtab if all he does is vacuum then yep I would be pissed off. Even if he had have let you know there was no shop done and you'd be ordering in it's less annoying. You defo need to look at jobs, he may be dyslexic but you don't need to read or write to dust, clean or wipe!

FuzzyPuffling · 19/05/2022 21:08

When I do DIY, my DH does everything else. All"his" jobs and all"mine" too.
DIY is an extra and definitely should come with privileges. Do an online shop!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/05/2022 21:16

luxxlisbon · 19/05/2022 15:58

It’s hardly his “only responsibility” if he spent all day going DIY - home upkeep which needs to be done.

This part is confusing me. Does he do all the DIY? What exactly was the DIY he was doing?

Alcibiade · 19/05/2022 21:30

You are NOT being unreasonable.

If you are both working, then your split of household chores is not at all fair. Food shopping is really not very difficult (I know, because I'm doing all the food shopping for us at the moment). You just push a trolley around Tesco and pick up all the things you need, then pay for it and drive home. Cooking and cleaning is a lot more of a job.

Since your husband didn't do his chore for the week, tell him that you will go and do the food shop this week, and he can do all the cooking and cleaning. See how he likes that.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 19/05/2022 22:00

The division of chores is your main issue, not missing one shop.

SofiaSoFar · 20/05/2022 07:07

I'd struggle to get too annoyed.

Between you you've got 3 extra days not working each week compared to many/most people.

And 'life admin' as a task?

A friend of mine once complained that this was her job in their household. It seemed to involve sorting out car and house insurance and looking for better deals on utilities, etc. It was all of a couple hours work per year...

Itloggedmeoutagain · 20/05/2022 07:19

What was the DIY?
you make it sound like he was sat on his arse all day

MerryMarigold · 20/05/2022 07:25

I voted YANBU but this is because I felt your OP was a little deceptive. So, he does the DIY. What about gardening? These are kind which take a lot of time and effort too. Maybe he could start some more regular jobs like washing up.

orbitalcrisis · 20/05/2022 07:39

If it is his only job be thankful that he did your DIY for you, now you will do the shopping for him! Seems fair to me.

DeskInUse · 20/05/2022 07:45

Use your day off to go shopping and any of 'your' jobs that don't get done as a result you both do in the weekend.

He was doing diy and forgot, he wasn't up the pin getting shit faced

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