Married to Mum?

[SaveMePlease]

Hi all - AIBU? Big moan/rant ahead

I'm a man who has been married for 8 years. I have a great relationship with my in-laws (and my MIL in particular), but the relationship between my DW and MIL is now impacting me so much that it's reaching breaking point for my marriage.

My DW is very close to her mum and it's something I used to see as incredibly positive. Whilst I did have grumblings about how often they spoke on the phone (personally it seemed a bit unhealthy but more because it might interrupt a movie we might be watching), it wasn't a huge issue. However since having kids, I'm finding their whole relationship unbearable and even consider a breakup reasonable just to maintain my sanity.

Since having kids, my DW speaks to her mum on the phone multiple times a day including in the evenings when the kids are asleep. They talk about fairly unimportant things and whilst that is none of my business, it's the minute run down of what the kids have been up to, what they ate, what time they went to sleep which drives me mad as I'm basically having to next to DW on the sofa, putting our evening on hold or having a show/film on pause to essentially listen to a rehash of our day. Often it will involve my MIL making her own suggestions about why we didn't try this or that as well. I'm sure many of you can understand that when you have two kids under 3, having a few hours in the evening to watch TV is the only time you might get some down time and instead, I have to break this up so that my DW can speak to her mum for the third time to update her on what the kids have done in the four hours since they last spoke.

In the last six months we've been on holiday twice. I was looking forward to having some time with just me, DW and kids and instead, every evening was once again a long video call so they could literally go through everything we did on the day whilst on holiday. At one point, as we were in a hotel room, I decided go and have a 40 minute shower just to hide myself away. I have told DW about how excessive calls are ruining our evenings and it's now got to a stage where when her mum calls, at any time of day, I will just leave the room to try and maintain a calm distance (something DW has actually told my MIL I do).

I should add that MIL actually comes over to pick up and drop off the kids twice during the week so it's not even that she doesn't see the kids and is compensating by video calling all the time. Often they'll spend more time on the phone on the days when they've already physically seen each other!

My in-laws, whilst happily married, basically operate as individuals who do their own separate things 90% of the time. What that seems to mean is that my MIL who doesn't work and has lots of free time, is taking the luxury to call my DW whenever she wants and assumes that like my FIL, I don't want spend evenings with my DW.

I think what upsets me is that I have brought this up with my wife and whilst she said we should sit down and talk about it later this week, she has indicated that I am in the wrong. I'm from an Asian background where there is a lot more emphasis on the 'marrying into the family' but I certainly don't agree with this and in any case, this all feels like too much involvement in our immediate family. I do have wider issues over MIL getting involved in all sorts of decisions but I'll keep this focussed on what I see as excessive phone calls.

I know many women have incredibly close relationships with their mums but I see this as eroding the independence within our relationship and for right or wrong, it's impacting the dynamic of my relationship with my wife. AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your wife is neglecting her relationship with you, and as it's already obvious, this has serious consequences.

If I were you, I would lay this out very, very clearly. If she is unwilling to participate in your marriage, there will no longer be a marriage. I would also highly suggest marriage counseling, because there is an obvious disconnect that needs guidance to be repaired. Your wife might also benefit from individual therapy because her relationship with her mother appears to be very unhealthy. She needs to figure out why she has such a inappropriate dependence on her mum, given that she is now an adult and a mother herself.

I agree, your wife is not prioritizing her relationship with you over her relationship with her mother. My late mum and I were extremely close, but we certainly didn't feel a 'need' to talk everyday or rehash every tiny detail of our lives.

Talk to her. But please don't give her an ultimatum ("It's either me or your mother") unless you are fully prepared to carry it out. Because if you do and then you don't follow through, you have shown her that you don't mean what you say and that she really doesn't need to change things.

First off, I think you need to decide what you think is an 'acceptable' level of communication for your wife and MiL. Know what you would be comfortable with. Then you and your wife need to have a serious talk about the effect their constant chatting is having on you, emphasizing that you cherish the 'our time' with her and that her constant talking to her mum is affecting the closeness you should be feeling with her. Then try to reach a compromise.

If the two of you aren't able to discuss this without arguing or becoming defensive, or if she is unwilling to try and reach a compromise that you are both happy with, then you need to see a marriage counselor.

No she’s neglecting her relationship with you.
you need to speak again and explain how it’s making you feel. Perhaps, having seen her parents relationship modelled to her, she really expects to be closer to her mum than you.

has your wife got any other friends or hobbies? Perhaps she’s lonely?
or perhaps she enjoys talking about the children. Even if you don’t love it, could you do more of this as a compromise. So she can talk to you about them instead of her mum?
could you make a plan even one or two evenings a week to sit down to dinner and watch a movie/tv show/anything you have time for and no phone calls allowed in that time - she can talk before or after that time slot but not during. That may be a good place to start?

i think you need to present this as I’d love to spend time with you, and you spend all day with the kids, so let’s relax together. Rather than I’m annoyed at your relationship with your mum.

Omg yanbu. But then DW is not hearing you. How to do the right thing. Swap house with mil? I'd find that insufferable. You have my sympathies.

That sounds really hard for you. Your MIL sounds super needy and is being selfish and thoughtless. Obviously without knowing the full dynamics of the relationship between DW & MIL it's hard to advise. I'm guessing DW is feeling a bit torn if MIL is very demanding? You are going to have to spell it out to DW that your chat won't wait. Good luck!

Can you get her to agree to making the period between dinner and bedtime as phones free couple time?
Your situation would drive me crazy but I wonder if rather than restricting their communications (which may cause resentment) you should go down the route of getting her to do it at times that don’t impact your down time, as that is very intrusive.

YANBU in my opinion and i imagine, when the situation is laid out as clearly as you have done here, it would be the opinion of most.

The answer here is to explain this as clearly to your wife. (ie: your actual marriage is on the line)

Have you got a friend or family member, who is trusted by both of you, whom you could ask to sit down with you both and talk this out?

Ultimately the best way to approach a talk is for both parties to have equal speaking time. Explain the problem you have and the reason it's a problem. Decide what you want exactly within reason. In this instance you need to ask that she cut down the phone calls to x, y z amount. Have a clear consequence in mind if this wont happen but try not to give ultimatums. Have a bit of flexibility built in to your request so that your wife feels as if she has some control over negotiations.

Good luck OP.

My DD sometimes does what your wife does. She has anxiety and is a LP. I've had to gently pull back because it was getting that I couldn't watch a film etc and I felt that her going over every detail wasn't actually doing her any good. She needed proper downtime. When speaking to her, focus on your relationship suffering and lack of downtime.

My sister is like this with my mum, I don't get. It doesn't impact me anymore but I know it drives my stepdad mad.

You seem dismissive of the things she finds important to talk about. Details of your day aren't trivial, they're a critical way that people connect with others and particularly important to women who've been chatting like this for millennia.

Does she talk to her mum so much because she's not getting what she needs from you?

You need to agree a cut off time for calls. No more calls after 7/8pm, whatever time works for you.

Your wife may not realise just how long she's spending on the phone, it's easy to think something is just a quick chat when it takes far longer. Maybe make a note of how much time they spend chatting over a couple of evenings so you can show her how much of an impact it's having in terms of her availability.

Does your wife lack confidence in her ability as a Mother do you think .She seems to want some sort of assurance from Mum that shes doing OK? Its unhealthy for you and her RL and also for your wife .Many young women struggle to make the break between their Mum/first family and their marriages .I would see if you can get another family member (or FIL is amenable) to help set some rules .8pm cut off for calls. Maybe not at WE ,or say twice a week? If she is looking after DC 2 days then why does she need to call so often . I appreciate the family dynamic is different ,but as you say you are entitled to Downtime with your wife!

Your wife is being ridiculous! If course it is affecting your relationship! I can and do speak for hours to my friends and family but do it usually when it doesn't interfere with anything else. If I'm with my boyfriend, I'm not going to speak on the phone for an hour and I would be fuming it he did.

I don't know what else you can do if you've spoken to her though. Maybe a trial separation?

This isn't a mil and dw problem. This is a you and dw problem. If you blame mil your wife will just get defensive and nothing will be resolved. You need to sit down and explain that you miss her and feel like you don't get quality time together. Try to compromise that some of the evening will be for the two of you. Say 830-10 and you can do something together or sit and catch up in that time. Same on a weekend . Then don't complain about her talking to her mum in the agreed times. Also I'd maybe ask her not to tell mil if you would prefer her not to know.

Not unreasonable to expect when you are spending time alone that it's not constantly interrupted, that's just rude. At the very least she should leave the room and let you carry on watching tv - expecting you to sit like a lemon and wait for her while she does something so non essential is nuts

YANBU. I'm 50 and my DM and I chat every day on the phone, she's 75. We live a distance apart and I only see her a couple of times a year.

My DF got fed up and imposed a window for our hour long odd chats, namely 10am to 5pm, several years ago. Sounds unreasonable but does mean that they have evenings watching films together, can prepare and eat their evening meal and so on without interruption from the phone. We do text but that's not so intrusive as replies are not expected straight away. Works really well.

Is this something you could consider? Sounds draconian but it's actually very fair and considerate to everyone else.

That’s barmy and it’d drive me mad too.

I remember when I met dh nearly 30 years ago and we went on holiday for a week and he had to find a phone box in the Canaries to call his mum. I was - wtaf! - I sent my mum a postcard! Even now dh ‘jumps’ to the phone if his brother calls, although he has told him he won’t answer during dinner/ or other family/couple time and if it’s urgent to message him.

i suppose what I’m trying to say is that every family operates differently re communication, but what you’re describing is excessive. Your dw needs to listen to you and maybe tell her mum that she won’t answer phone past the children’s bedtime.

Is her mum very overbearing and your dw is scared of her reaction if she stands up for herself? i can’t think of another reason for her continuing with the nonsense.

This sounds soul destroying. YANBU.

My mum used to do this with me. She was/is lonely. When I was also lonely I would engage in it, over the years I grew to find it suffocating and now I barely call her. It feels normal at the time but it isn’t healthy at all. I’m not sure your wife is ready to do this but I agree it sounds like she is not that self confident and is getting reassurance from her mother, or she is feeling sorry for her mum and feels it’s an obligation. I don’t know your wife so not sure which one. But it’s unreasonable of her to be intruding on so much of your free time in your own home with something that really limits and restricts your relationship. It’s intrusive. I would worry though that she doesn’t seem to see how it’s affecting you and your time together. I think you need to ask her to be honest whether she is escaping spending time with you, and be honest that the intrusion and repetition is killing your marriage

That sounds unbearable. YANBU.

I’d be honest with your wife and tell her that evenings are your time together, if she doesn’t respect this then she is selfish.
she has plenty of time to talk to her mum, tell her it’s got to stop or move on.

You're not being unreasonable. I'm close to my mum and we chat every day but just the once and I don't do it when my dh is around generally.

I think you need to be very specific with your wife. Ask that she doesn't take calls from her mum pst 8pm (or whatever time your evening starts). Reassure her that you like her mum and you're happy they have a lovely relationship but the excessive calls are impacting your relationship.

If they are as close as you say, her mum would probably be devastated to know that their (seemingly) harmless chats were having a negative impact on her daughter's marriage.

Look up enmeshment. It's not healthy. My mother would have loved this level of contact, the most she got was once a day and that was too much for me.

That would drive me mad too. However you need to frame it as 'can we set aside 2 nights a week where it's just us so we can nurture our relationship away from the children' and NOT 'I want to prevent you from speaking to your mum on these nights'.