Married to Mum?

[SaveMePlease]

Hi all - AIBU? Big moan/rant ahead

I'm a man who has been married for 8 years. I have a great relationship with my in-laws (and my MIL in particular), but the relationship between my DW and MIL is now impacting me so much that it's reaching breaking point for my marriage.

My DW is very close to her mum and it's something I used to see as incredibly positive. Whilst I did have grumblings about how often they spoke on the phone (personally it seemed a bit unhealthy but more because it might interrupt a movie we might be watching), it wasn't a huge issue. However since having kids, I'm finding their whole relationship unbearable and even consider a breakup reasonable just to maintain my sanity.

Since having kids, my DW speaks to her mum on the phone multiple times a day including in the evenings when the kids are asleep. They talk about fairly unimportant things and whilst that is none of my business, it's the minute run down of what the kids have been up to, what they ate, what time they went to sleep which drives me mad as I'm basically having to next to DW on the sofa, putting our evening on hold or having a show/film on pause to essentially listen to a rehash of our day. Often it will involve my MIL making her own suggestions about why we didn't try this or that as well. I'm sure many of you can understand that when you have two kids under 3, having a few hours in the evening to watch TV is the only time you might get some down time and instead, I have to break this up so that my DW can speak to her mum for the third time to update her on what the kids have done in the four hours since they last spoke.

In the last six months we've been on holiday twice. I was looking forward to having some time with just me, DW and kids and instead, every evening was once again a long video call so they could literally go through everything we did on the day whilst on holiday. At one point, as we were in a hotel room, I decided go and have a 40 minute shower just to hide myself away. I have told DW about how excessive calls are ruining our evenings and it's now got to a stage where when her mum calls, at any time of day, I will just leave the room to try and maintain a calm distance (something DW has actually told my MIL I do).

I should add that MIL actually comes over to pick up and drop off the kids twice during the week so it's not even that she doesn't see the kids and is compensating by video calling all the time. Often they'll spend more time on the phone on the days when they've already physically seen each other!

My in-laws, whilst happily married, basically operate as individuals who do their own separate things 90% of the time. What that seems to mean is that my MIL who doesn't work and has lots of free time, is taking the luxury to call my DW whenever she wants and assumes that like my FIL, I don't want spend evenings with my DW.

I think what upsets me is that I have brought this up with my wife and whilst she said we should sit down and talk about it later this week, she has indicated that I am in the wrong. I'm from an Asian background where there is a lot more emphasis on the 'marrying into the family' but I certainly don't agree with this and in any case, this all feels like too much involvement in our immediate family. I do have wider issues over MIL getting involved in all sorts of decisions but I'll keep this focussed on what I see as excessive phone calls.

I know many women have incredibly close relationships with their mums but I see this as eroding the independence within our relationship and for right or wrong, it's impacting the dynamic of my relationship with my wife. AIBU?

I actually agree with this.

If MIL is providing a fair amount of childcare, then keeping in touch on a day to day basis means she's up to date with what's going on with the kids so she can keep a unified front with your DW when it comes to parenting. What a brilliant support network she's being for your DW. MIL may also be aware that you aren't interested in 'rehashing' the day to consider what went well/can be improved on with your DW, and your DW is obviously interested in doing this, so MIL is filling a gap you're leaving.

Maybe your DW isn't interested in zoning out infront of the TV every night. Why don't you, you know, have a conversation with her?

YANBU.
My opinion is that you need to focus on that you’d like more time with her, rather than focus on who she is choosing over you. Otherwise you will likely push her away further. Come to a compromise of the hours you need to be your “couple time” and address it as such. Focus on no telephones, no interruptions. Both of you setting phones completely aside and on silent. How close she is with her mother isn’t the problem, I’d rip my own arm off to speak to my mum again. It’s how she’s choosing how to spend her time. If you carry on placing the blame at your MIL’s door it will only cause resentment all around and damage your relationship. Good luck.

Why don't you, you know, have a conversation with her?

Let's hope for the OP that the wife stays off the phone to her mother long enough to have a conversation.

This is sad. I wish I had my mother around and could have that sort of relationship.

Maybe your wife isn't interested in tv/films every night and wants to actually speak to someone?

Yanbu it’s too much.

my dsis had the same with her partner and his mum, it was too much and they are no longer together.

Well said!

I am close to my mum (and my sisters) but this is wayyyyy over the line. My DH would not appreciate that sort of thing at all. I talk to my mum and sisters most days but not at the expense of my husband.

there always extremes and middle grounds.

Not speaking to your mother at all, having a difficult relationship or bereavement is obviously so difficult, and it’s normal to wish you had what OP describes. But he’s describing an extreme example of saying he feels that there is a 3rd person in their marriage and it’s suffocating and he’s considering breaking up. You can’t just tell him to get over it becasue you wish you had it. He’s not unreasonable to want a middle ground here.

Not wanting to talk about your kids in minute detail for long periods each day is also not someone being a bad partner or parent. Come on, who would actually want to do that?

Sounds normal and caring. If your wife is doing the majority of care and she is happy with it then it’s fine. This is just a daughter and mother who are close both being involved in the raising of her children.

After all the posts on here about how “it takes a village” (which means childcare providers or grandparents looking after kids while Mum works) - here we have an actual example of Mother and Daughter both being involved in raising the daughters children at the same time, which is what happens in the actual “village” scenario (as opposed to the made up one which had never existed where grandma looks after the kids while Mum works on her career) and people find it unreasonable. Guess some aren’t as cut out for village life as they think.

@Tamzo85 the “village” also has to include strong and stable marital units?

@roarfeckingroarr

This!
Raising babies isn’t easy and if OP’s wife is doing most of it this is a positive thing. Besides mothers and daughters should have time together to discuss this sort of thing instead of just being married and acting all Bonny and Clyde and clingy on each other. That’s the unhealthy thing.

@orwellwasright

Strongly agree. And to add to this point it’s actually alright if he can’t give her this in the relationship, as he’s a man it may not be something that’s natural for him - but that’s why it’s a good thing she can talk this way with her mother and why he should let it be. He can fufill (hopefully) a different need for his wife than her mother and vice versa. That is normal. the genders aren’t the same and it’s foolish modern claptrap to think they should be the all of everything in a marriage to each other.

The mil really doesn't need a run down of every single thing that happened every day, it's excessive

Thanks for your reply. I came on here to see if my way of thinking was unreasonable and therefore am happy to see it from the other side as it were. I do think that since CV, my wife has been working from home and has limited contact with her friends and I've always tried to be supportive in telling her to go out and make plans and I'll look after the kids. She's always spoken to her mum once or twice a day but I think the frequency and length of chats has increased since having kids. I'm certainly not dismissive of what she speaks to her mum about, it's just that I'm not one for small talk on the phone and have told her that I would never want to do anything which would limit or place restrictions on her relationship with her mum and that is why I try and leave the room or suggest we maybe have a few separate holidays.

If truth be told, I don't think she is filling any gap as my DW and I discuss our kids endlessly already and I take a very involved approach to all aspects of our kids lives. I suppose my view is that, despite getting childcare from them, does that mean I should accept that I'm not entitled to wanting to feel like a family of four and having 'our time'? We have had conversations about it and if there is one thing my DW loves, it's zoning out in front of the TV! When MIL takes the kids, she will call multiple times just to tell DW about small things that happened and one thing I accept is that my wife and I see things differently i.e. I see the time we don't have the kids as time to do our own things and switch off from 'parent mode' whereas she will never switch off and I suppose that is why she is an incredible mother. However there are still the other five days of the week when we have the kids - we are a family and most of the time it genuinely feels like we are living in an extended family.

@DoItAfraid

As far as from this post goes there’s nothing wrong with their marriage other than the husbands attitude to the wife talking about her children with her mother. If she’s doing most of the caring that’s a big deal and something she wants to talk about, he should be able to understand that.

Unless she never lets him have his own time or style of doing things this is healthy. She could just as easily have a problem with the way he does things, but instead she simply goes about her business happy for him to do the same.

Where is the problem?

Living in an extended family is a good thing.

It does seem excessive. Look up enmeshment, as it seems like your DW and MIL have this kind of relationship. I hope things improve and she can find a better balance.

Sure, but not at the expense of your marriage.

This is way too much contact over things that don't need to be dissected. It's sounds a very unhealthy dynamic between them and way OTT.

I speak to my mum every day but not at the expense of time with my husband. There is a balance and it's not being struck here.

I can’t believe some of the responses. I imagine if it was the wife posting here about her MIL it would be a very different story. Only women are allowed issues with MIL’s and boundaries

Your wife is being unreasonable, l would be pretty cross if my DH regularly interrupted movie night for banal chat with his brother/father etc..making us wait....
Same with family dinners, outings etc, it would become intolerable to me.

I would think a daily chat fine and twice sometimes but this is excessive.

YANBU but rather than discuss what is an acceptable amount for your wife and mother in law to be in contact, I would try and leave MIL right out of the conversation and discuss what is an acceptable amount of time you would like to have with you wife. Rather than 'don't talk to your MIL for 2 hours in the evening', go for 'I would like us to have some uninterrupted time in the evening as a couple, it's important for me for x y z reasons...'
For what it's worth, what you're experiencing would drive me absolutely potty. I also think she should leave the room if she's on the phone not you!

YANBU at all! To keep things clear I think your wife needs to tell her mother no to call after a certain time so that your evenings are protected. Your marriage is being damaged by this and she is not respecting your time together

I see someone has already mentioned the period between dinner and bedtime as being MIL free, this is a good idea. Then they can chat all day to their hearts content

Patients in the actual ICU don't require hours of detailed handover a day. When I get home from work, I neither need nor want a minute by minute breakdown of what DC got up to, and I certainly don't call home at lunchtime to get one. "DC had a lovely time at nursery, played with X and made you this paper jellyfish, still coughing a little bit but he enjoyed his pasta for tea and ate it all" is plenty.

YANBU. This is enmeshment, probably driven by anxiety of some sort.

YANBU. My husband is slightly similar in that he talks to his mum multiple times a day. It drives me mental.

Does she not have friends? I’ll discuss stuff like what we’re doing for kids dinner, bedtime, tantrums etc everyday with my friends - whichever friend I’m seeing that day. Evenings are for hanging with DH and tv, like you say.