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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

72 replies

AnnieSaxophone · 18/05/2022 21:58

Dh is away tomorrow night (Thursday) for work, and I’m away on Friday night for work. I’ve been busy and am struggling to remember everything. Generally I cook Monday to Friday and he cooks on Saturdays.

I organised an online grocery shop to include stuff he requested for 2 meals (Friday - sausages and Saturday - burgers).

I have literally just realised this evening (9:45pm) that I omitted to think of stuff for a meal tomorrow night (Thurs). I finish work at 5pm and need to get cooking asap before the youngest loses his shit I said I’ll go and riffle and hopefully we have something in the freezer / fridge I can thaw / rustle up but if the worst comes to the worst (which hopefully I won’t have to) I’ll have to pinch the burgers or sausages, and he’ll have to go to the shop on Saturday for something else.

The. shit. hit. the. fan.

Apparently I’m utterly unreasonable to expect him to have to go to the shop on Saturday (when he has a whole day free to do so) when it was my error and I should go tomorrow during work and take an hour out. And he would never expect me to have to go to the shop in that situation. And that I could be so casual about it. It was a proper argument. I’m stunned.

I said again that I would do what I could to avoid it, but I did need to feed myself and the 3 kids, so it doesn’t want what food I cook but I will need some food and I’m flat out tomorrow and don’t have time to go to the shop.

Have I been out of order or is he?

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 18/05/2022 22:54

😲 talk about unreasonable dh, all the best op

DeskInUse · 18/05/2022 22:54

He is being unbelievably unreasonable!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2022 22:56

You're the skivvy. That's what this is all really about. Your husband expects you to do all of the grunt work, and for some fucking unimaginable reason you go along with this bullshit. If you fail to complete every single one of your tasks, all hell breaks loose, as clearly demonstrated.

Your husband is shit, and I highly doubt your marriage couldn't be shit with a husband like that.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 18/05/2022 23:00

I would tell him very calmly that I am disappointed with his overreaction. It's a tantrum over sausages, he's behaving like a child. And I would order a pizza for tomorrow night, whilst secretly thrilled at having an excuse not to cook. Not that you need an excuse.....

lisavanderpumpscloset · 18/05/2022 23:03

Tell him you don't need to use his sausages or burgers.

You will take an hour out of your day tomorrow and get stuff in for a meal (order a takeaway)

Then tell him from Friday onwards it is his job to order all shopping and cook all meals except one per week. That one can fall to you.

The shoe needs to be stapled to the other foot and sharpish so he very clearly understands he's the fucking problem here

Gymnopedie · 18/05/2022 23:08

redskyatnight · 18/05/2022 22:11

DH and I have a similar cooking arrangement.

And if he used "my" food I'd expect him to replace it or buy something else I could cook instead. Yes, I could go to the shop myself to sort it, but on the basis he'd caused the problem, I would expect him not to pass the responsibility of "fixing" it over to me. So I'm with your DH. And I do think you would have got different answers if roles had been reversed.

I get what you're saying. To me it's not the fact that he had an issue with it, it's his overreaction - that the shit hit the fan. THAT'S what's unreasonable. It means he thinks of OP as a servant and treats her like one.

I'd be interested to know what he contributes to daily life, or if he expects OP to do it all.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2022 23:10

He sounds like a right prick tbh.

TooManyPJs · 18/05/2022 23:13

AntarcticTern · 18/05/2022 22:08

Wow OP. I'd feel so let down by this. It's like he doesn't think of you as a partnership but just housemates or something.

This. I would be so disappointed by that attitude.

Original poster
AnnieSaxophone · 18/05/2022 23:23

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. If I didn’t have time constraints, I would totally just go to the shop, sort something else for tomorrow and wouldn’t have even thought to use the sausages or burgers he’d ear marked. He actually does quite a bit around the house, but I would have hoped that under ‘unusual circs’ and his having a whole day to pootle on Saturday, there would have been some understanding. I made it clear I thought I’d messed up and wouldn’t ordinarily cause him an extra job.

We both work full time, though I’m the primary carer and am the one that has to race back for the school run / race home at 5pm on two days a week when someone else picks up my little boy from school.

This is the first time in 15 years together that I’ve raised the possibility that I MIGHT need to pilfer the meal he had planned in 3 days time (and would do what I could to avoid it).

He blows up quite a lot and I can never ever match the level of furiousness on his part with what's actually occurred.

It’s very draining and stressful ... and I always question myself and whether it’s me, so thank you everyone for reassuring me that it might NOT be all me.

I feel we’re always a cigarette paper away from an argument. Which is very weary-making.

OP posts:
SRS29 · 18/05/2022 23:24

AnnieSaxophone · 18/05/2022 22:20

@redskyatnight That’s interesting. It’s the time constraints I’m under between now and 5pm tomorrow that are making it hard for me to fix.

Sorry OP, what do you 'need to fix'? Genuine question

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2022 23:26

He blows up quite a lot and I can never ever match the level of furiousness on his part with what's actually occurred.

It’s very draining and stressful ... and I always question myself and whether it’s me, so thank you everyone for reassuring me that it might NOT be all me.

I feel we’re always a cigarette paper away from an argument. Which is very weary-making.

This is not an environment you should be choosing to live in and certainly not one your children should be growing up in.

It's such a damaging dynamic for them to witness and I'm sure you'd be heartbroken to see them grow up and replicate it themselves as adults. Which unfortunately is more likely the longer they live under the same roof as this dynamic.

Let that power you to make a decision about what to do next. Someone who blows up quite a lot and gets furious about things that don't warrant it is emotionally abusive IMO.

You must be fucking exhausted Flowers

Original poster
AnnieSaxophone · 18/05/2022 23:29

@SRS29 I was referring to the ‘fixing’ that Redskyatnight said in her message:

“DH and I have a similar cooking arrangement.

And if he used "my" food I'd expect him to replace it or buy something else I could cook instead. Yes, I could go to the shop myself to sort it, but on the basis he'd caused the problem, I would expect him not to pass the responsibility of "fixing" it over to me. So I'm with your DH. And I do think you would have got different answers if roles had been reversed.”

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieSaxophone · 18/05/2022 23:34

The last big blow up was a few days ago. DD found a dress in a charity shop and wanted to dye it black. I had some Dylon washing machine dye (godsend stuff!).
DH said ‘why don’t you do it in a bucket and not ruin the washing machine’. I said it’s way easier than dyeing clothes in a bucket and it doesn’t ruin the machine, it’s all fine and easy and I’ve done it before (I’ve dyed clothes a lot both ways).
He blew up and said it was insanity to use the machine and why wouldn’t I even consider using a bucket and I always shut him down and just because it says on the label of the dye to use the machine, why would I do that and I should use a bucket ...
He got really arsey to the point I just left the room because he just wasn’t listening, or stopping. It felt like unless I do what he says, then I’m in the wrong and I’m being unreasonable towards him.

OP posts:
Courtjobby · 18/05/2022 23:38

I'm sorry, you barely did anything wrong. You went to great effort to order food for various meals and forgot one day, easy mistake for anyone. You came to the logical conclusion you might need to take some of the food allocated to a later day to make up for the missed day.

I think (hope) most ppl would react with ;" oh no worries, using the burgers tonight sounds like a plan. sure I'll just nip down the shops Saturday and pick up something else as I'm off then anyway"

If I were your dp I would be delighted to have to not do the big food shop or the majority of meal prep.

WhenPushComesToShove · 18/05/2022 23:45

Sorry OP your OH sounds like a controlling dick. I'd tell him to go fuck himself.

Herejustforthisone · 18/05/2022 23:48

He’s a cunt.

Dundonian · 18/05/2022 23:49

Who the hell voted you as the unreasonable one???

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2022 23:49

Like I said in my post, your marriage is shit, and it's a fucking tragedy that you are tolerating this abuse. Why? Why choose to live this way with a man like that? You are not stuck. You have agency over your own life.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 18/05/2022 23:55

It all seems a bit over the top for an issue that can be fixed very easily, you will have something in the cupboard or freezer that can knock together one meal.

Or if one of the kids is old enough to send to the local shop for tins of beans and some bread.

SpindleInTheWind · 19/05/2022 00:15

He sounds rude, grumpy, miserable and unpleasant.

ZenNudist · 19/05/2022 00:18

My dad shouts at my mum over little things like this. She's now in her 70s and apologises for everything and doesn't do basic stuff without checking it's OK. It's maddening when she's asking me which tap is hot and which is cold, or should she dry the dishes but I recognise it as the outcome of years of low level abuse.

He needs to take on your role for a while. He's got you right where he wants you. Does he by chance earn more? Is that why he's so self important.

Step 1 use the burgers or sausages. Step 2 tell him he is cooking more from now on and can sort the food shopping for the foreseeable. He's also doing his share of school runs.

Stop. Enabling. Him.

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 19/05/2022 00:25

He sounds like a huge prick

Margotshypotheticaldog · 19/05/2022 06:22

He is an abusive bully.
It's so much worse than just a few sausages.

ChiselandBits · 19/05/2022 06:37

Definitely bigger issues than sausages. If roles were reversed and the meal that was messed up was that night, with no time to pop out, mild annoyance would be appropriate. But several days notice with a full work free day to sort it, when the op has done the original shopping in the first place and a huge nasty temper tantrum, how anyone can say thats OK is beyond me.

LuaDipa · 19/05/2022 06:46

He’s being a selfish tosser. There’s no excuse for kicking off like this over a minor mistake. What do the kids think to his behaviour? My dh would ask if I need anything doing/picking up when he’s off and I’m at work as a matter of course because he’s not a dick. And people forget things, it happens. He’s not regularly picking up after you so he should just suck it up and go to the shops. He sounds awful if I’m honest.

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