He had no right telling children about my mental health

[Hormonaltornado]

I had a baby 7 months ago. I've had a handful of stressful things to contend with since such as a bereavement which has triggered my PTSD. My mother is also in failing health. It's all been a bit shit.

Long story short, DSC were here today and part way through the day I felt a panic attack coming so I excused myself to the bedroom saying I was just going for a lie down for half an hour as I'm a bit tired.

They were being a bit rowdy, as all kids can be, and then I overheard OH telling them to please keep it down a bit because I'm having panic attacks.

I'm really fucked off about it. For starters my MH isn't their problem and shouldn't be made to be, but secondly I do not want my business getting back to their DM who has been quite frankly horrid to me for years and this is something that will most definitely get back to her.

AIBU to think he had no right to say that to them and he was in the wrong?

Yes, exactly. I was trying to think of a way to put this.

This would be wrong of him even if they were your shared children. DH would never be so inconsiderate and presumptuous as to share something personal about me with our sons without my consent. The fact that they have a mother who is likely to be malicious about it just makes it worse. I'd be hurt, and angry.

A different spin on this....

Yes, I can understand why you would feel upset but maybe DH doesn't think your MH is something that should be hidden? By explain to the children, who may be old enough to understand, that you need space shows you taking the steps need to look after your MH in the moment and are modelling self care?

MH can be such as taboo but anxiety and panic attacks are so so common. Maybe if DSC face one later on in life, they will feel more welcome to talk to you and DH about it as they know you will understand.

So sorry you are going through a rough time, panic attacks are horrid! Hope you get the support that's right for you soon.

If the 10 and 11 are still at the stage where they don't realise their mother is horrible to their father and anyone to do with him, then YABU.

I know and have met plenty of children 11+ who are wise to their parents relationship with one another so limit the amount of information they tell about one parent and their household to the other.

Luckily I wasn't put in this situation as a child as my parents and step-parents were pulled up on it by relations and friends who had knew them all, but my SC is in this situation.

I think he was wrong to tell them without discussing it with you first. Your medical information is private.

However, on the other side of this, my dad had depression while I was growing up, and my parents didn't tell me. I just saw that he'd sometimes go to his room upset. I found it quite worrying that my previously stoic father had become tearful, and disconcerting that my parents were clearly hiding something from me. A babysitter accidentally let slip and it was a massive relief to me, just to know what the "elephant in the room" was. So based on that I think it is better for children in the house to know, it just shouldn't have been done without your consent.

Your medical condition was placing demands on others in the family, I think the best solution, in this situation, was for the kids to be told why they needed to be quiet.

I'm not pretending we have to tell children everything about our lives, but they are entitled to an age appropriate explanation about family matters that affect them.

Knowing their step mother has panic attacks will allow them to behave appropriately towards you. They will learn consideration and empathy. Tell them you're tired, when they know or even suspect there is more to it than that, and they will feel alienated and possible even annoyed.

I'm sorry their mother is so unpleasant to you.