He had no right telling children about my mental health

[Hormonaltornado]

I had a baby 7 months ago. I've had a handful of stressful things to contend with since such as a bereavement which has triggered my PTSD. My mother is also in failing health. It's all been a bit shit.

Long story short, DSC were here today and part way through the day I felt a panic attack coming so I excused myself to the bedroom saying I was just going for a lie down for half an hour as I'm a bit tired.

They were being a bit rowdy, as all kids can be, and then I overheard OH telling them to please keep it down a bit because I'm having panic attacks.

I'm really fucked off about it. For starters my MH isn't their problem and shouldn't be made to be, but secondly I do not want my business getting back to their DM who has been quite frankly horrid to me for years and this is something that will most definitely get back to her.

AIBU to think he had no right to say that to them and he was in the wrong?

so if you don’t think they know what it is, when he drops them home he can explain why would he then need to disclose all your other mental health issues?

he can just say sometimes you need a quote space and leave it at that

Quiet not quote

Well I don't think he's going to go into the PTSD etc, but when explaining to them what a panic attack is and why people have them he's obviously going to have to explain that it's to do with mental health.

Young kids don't fully understand things like mental health, it's probably going to confuse them and god forbid they correlate 'mental health problems' to me being 'mental'

Thats not an unfounded concern, it's what their mother will spin it as.

he'll have to explain I have mental health problems which doesn't sound very reassuring to a child.

While I totally understand this op and think children dont need to know about every struggle in life...I also feel hiding mental illness isnt always very reassuring to a child either, it might make them think they cant talk about mental either .
We've all got one to take care of and we all go through times where it's better than others.

Im not saying sit children down and explain the ins and outs of an adults mental health or anything!..but at times like this when they hear something or something slips out or they may have questions, it's never a bad thing to let them know its normal at times to need to take a bit more care of our mental health.

Glad you're getting support op.

Your kids are 10 and 11, they should know what a panic attack is. If you had a bad headache would he not mention that either? Kids need to understand, accept and understand mental health issues as something that is quite normal. If they or any of their friends suffer in the future they are better able to deal with if it is something that is openly talked about.

As PP said he said it to get the children to quiet down quickly.

Have a word with him and explain that you don't want him mentioning your mental health or any health issues to any of the children without discussing it first. This is because you don't want any of the children who stay or live with you to be frightened that you are seriously ill so they have to tip-toe around you or be frightened you will die.

Do not mention his ex when you give him an explanation.

Then tell him to explain to the children he used it as a figure of speech to get them to quiet down quickly.

I think yabu. You were having a panic attack while they were under your roof so he told them the truth. A bit different to saying you had panic attacks when they weren't happening , as a bit of general gossip.

You don’t know what “free speech” actually is, do you?

Men are just generally thick when it comes to things like this , I genuinely think he was trying to help tho and meant no harm But your feeling more bothered by the kids mum knowing , However more than half the population have some form of mental health or other and it’s nothing to be ashamed about it doesn’t make you any less of a person so sod what she thinks or says and don’t give her any head space x

Thank you for your perspectives and the kind comments too x

My husband told the world all about my medical history, and my pregnancy and the connected choices. Everyone. I went nuclear at him. He had no right to discuss my private medical information with anyone.

I don’t really see this as much different. He had no reason to explain beyond, “Hormonal is just feeling a bit under the weather. She’ll be ok soon.”

Who is 'hormonal'?

YABU your mental health is their problem if you're in a capacity some of the time where you're a parent. I'm sorry but you can't keep it in a box. It doesn't make you less of a parent, or a bad parent but it does have an impact on them, so better to be open and honest.

YANBU but your anxiety is making YABU. I do get why you feel the way you do. It’s really distressing having PA’s & PTSD & it’s very personal. But don’t think OH meant to deliberately reveal it. Or in the moment was thinking of the implications of DM finding out & what that means for you & how she’ll treat you as a result. He was actually thinking of what’s important which was the kids & you.

He’s getting to grips with all this too & maybe it’s never happened when the kids have been there before? He was caught in the moment & he just said the truth. Maybe he was a bit panicked himself?? It’s not easy for the partner too sometimes.

I don’t think the consequences are as bad as you think they are. Think your anxiety’s making you think it’s much worse than it really is & making you catastrophise a bit.

You can tell DSCs that a P/A is just anxiety. You sometimes get panicky & what makes it better is to have some chill out time, peace & quiet or do some breathing exercises to relax & then it passes kind of thing. No big mystery, no big tip toeing round the house because you’re having one. No big drama. Just what you do to manage them. You’d be surprised how much kids know about mh matters now compared to before. There will almost certainly be kids in their classes who get anxiety & it’s far more out there in terms of using techniques like breathing & mindfulness that kids are aware of nowadays. May even be being incorporated in their lessons to get kids to calm down or focus. Plus they’re surprisingly non judgemental about mh & usually very supportive. I don’t think it need be information that makes them feel anxious themselves or worried about you or insecure in anyway. Especially if you refer to it as your anxiety from now on & not panic attacks. Being factual, positive & matter of fact about it to them gives it no oxygen, and gives them no cause to dwell on it. Be open & let them ask questions but you don’t need to go into massive detail about it. You don’t need to mention PTSD or CBT or therapy IMO because you don’t want that being shared with their DM. (Obviously if the situation were different then maybe you would).

She’s clearly the last person you want to know & it’s hard not to feel stigma about having mh issues. You may only want to share it with people you trust, if at all. Others however are far more open & view it not as a mental health issue but like any other ailment, a health condition. Which is a healthier way of viewing it really because that what it is. The anxiety is affecting your whole body. It’s just as physical as it is mental. It’s not just in your head.

And while it’s horrible to go through, for her purposes all she need know is that it’s anxiety. Which so many people experience. It’s everywhere & unbelievably common. (Not to minimise how bad it is) & not that big of a deal objectively. Understandably to you, it is. It’s awful & really distressing. But is it really to others? To those you dislike? What’s the worst she can do with this information? She could have judgey thoughts about it or derive satisfaction from knowing about something that causes you distress. But you really don’t like this woman & it sounds like she’d be like that about anything. Maybe you feel it’s just another thing for her to potentially use or make drama out of. But really what is there she can do with it? If she gets some kick out of having something on you it’s hardly very juicy info. You suffer from anxiety at times. And??? Omg you happen to be human. I know it’s easy to sound glib when you’re suffering from something distressing & difficult to cope with. But it’s likely your anxiety’s making you catastrophise & think that her knowing is much worse than it really is.

It’s the OPs username

Yanbu. You quietly excused yourself saying you are going to lie down. Surely he could have said to keep it down because you are sleeping? Completely unnecessary for him to talk about your mh to anyone. Seems like he panicked and did it without thinking, doesn't mean its right though and you can't feel angry about it.

You're going through so much and your DP sounds very supportive. He shouldn't have told them and I know you're annoyed because of their mam but try not to let it get too huge in your head. He tried to help and messed up, he wanted quiet for you immediately and blurted. Who cares what the mam knows, seriously? She's not nice to or about you anyway, if she heard about your anxiety and was even nastier to or about you it speaks louder volumes about how unkind she is. If anyone was to come to me slagging off someone for having panic attacks, I'd be stepping back from them for their nastiness, she has nothing to gain from being malicious.

You can tell the kids that sometimes you can't catch your breath and you have to go out and breathe for a few minutes. If they ask why you can explain that your mam is unwell and it gets you upset, all kids can relate to being so upset they cant catch breath but that it stops quick enough. It doesn't have to be explained as scary as it is.

I'm sorry so much is going on for you I hope that you get your CBT soon. Mind yourself and your new little family ❤️

They are more than old enough to understand that some people struggle with their mental health. Although I can see your frustrations he reacted in the moment to try to explain what was happening and how they could help.

would you feel up to talking to them about it? For young people one of the best things we can do is normalise talking about mental health as much as we would physical health.

@Hormonaltornado sorry you are feeling so rough. Mental health is a statutory part of the curriculum now, so they hopefully will understand a lot better than you expect. Schools talk about mental health on a par with physical health, and how many people struggle with their mental health from time to time. If the school is any good, they certainly won't equate it with you being 'mental' - the whole point of including this info in the curriculum is to break down the taboo and view mental health as part and parcel of normal life. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks all, I'm feeling less annoyed about it today. It is what it is.

It's great that mental health is part of the curriculum now, I wasn't aware of that.

If they have any questions I'm happy to talk about it with them so they don't feel uneasy about it or that they have to tread on egg shells around me.

I know what you mean OP. I wouldn't want this shared either. And I totally get the ex part. I've not doubt this would probably be used against me by my husband's ex at some point, likely with the implication that I'm an unstable danger to the kids or some BS like that. Except when she wants something. Then its fine for me to be involved.

Yes that's exactly how it will be with me. I'm sorry you've had a difficult relationship with your DH's ex too.

they are his children, your step children ffs it's not like he went around shouting about it to total strangers! your totally unreasonable

You have clearly never had an ex wife on the other side of step children who relish the opportunity to hear anything remotely 'negative' about you so they can use that for their own agenda.

My husband's ex used a miscarriage I had against us once (because she's that selfish). So yeah, I'd have zero interest in the woman finding out anything about my mental health.

The kids are 10 and 11 . Come on op.
Yabu.