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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you continue seeing someone if they told you this...

82 replies

Inthenameofrose · 18/05/2022 19:07

Would you continue the sexual (friends with benefits) relationship if the other person told you they wanted more but you didn't?

Just that really.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 20/05/2022 07:43

No, because there’s a power imbalance. I’d let them go so they could find the sort of relationship they want.

Lalliella · 20/05/2022 07:46

Yes as long as you’re totally honest with them. They’re an adult, it’s their choice to continue.

Lovemusic33 · 20/05/2022 07:46

I have continued a friendship with someone who wanted a relationship (started as FWB) and at times I regret it, he often begs me to reconsider. I think I would feel guilty to continue to have sex with someone who had feelings towards me when I don’t feel the same, I have done it in the past but it’s never ended well.

I can see why you would be tempted if the sex was really good though 😬

MrsMop1964 · 20/05/2022 07:55

No. The clue is in the name; it's FRIENDS with benefits..why would you intentionally hurt a friend ?

CandyApplePie · 20/05/2022 07:57

I’m guessing you are the one with the feelings and this is about the FWB still sleeping with you and you want to know why? This is MN and you’re asking women mostly so of course they will say no, ask men and the answers will be yes, yes, yes.....

Madmog · 20/05/2022 08:02

If it doesn't feel right with you and not what you want, you have to do the right them for you and be honest with the other person.

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 20/05/2022 08:05

@Lalliella

me too. Yes, but only after being honest that I didn’t feel the same
way, didn’t want more, and was happy with the status quo to continue.

Drame · 20/05/2022 08:07

No but I know of many many men (and a few women) who would and have. They’ve got you in their pocket - sex on tap and a backup girlfriend in case nobody better comes along. It’s about being selfish so don’t go looking for some deeper meaning- there isn’t one so just cut contact now and save your dignity.

IsabelHerna · 20/05/2022 08:34

No, this can only lead to problems

octagonspoon · 20/05/2022 08:57

No. It would just feel uncomfortable. The balance would have changed: it would no longer feel equal.

Someone here said FWB works where you both feel you can do better than the other person. I agree with that. You both have to know that you absolutely would never want a full relationship with that person, because they are that person Grin

Herejustforthisone · 20/05/2022 09:00

I wouldn’t, no.

I mean, there’s obviously the moral reasons about not giving someone false hope, but mainly, I’d get the ick. If I was just shagging someone because it was fun for both, if they admitted feelings I’d suddenly see them as a bit of a simpering drip. 😬

cottagegardenflower · 20/05/2022 09:05

No, by continuing you are giving them false hope. It's cruel

ManateeFair · 20/05/2022 09:10

I personally wouldn’t, because I don’t use people and exploit their feelings for me to have power over them. It’s cruel and destroys the other person’s self-esteem.

If I was on the receiving end of it, I would also walk away. I’d want to retain some shreds of dignity, rather than keeping on offering myself up to someone who didn’t give a shit about me.

Carrotten · 20/05/2022 09:20

No

Firstly it's cruel, I'd feel like I was using them

Secondly the bargain has changed, FWB is essentially friends having an agreement to have casual sex. Once someone has feelings its no longer casual, the sex means something different to them than to you

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/05/2022 09:38

I did this, decades ago, when I was 22 and he was 23 - but I was the one who wanted more (which is usually the case). We ended up being together for 3 years and in the final year we lived together - but during that time, he was seeing other women and it never, ever got less than painful. The one who wants more always, always hopes the other one will eventually love them, you see. I was the one who finally pulled the plug because I realised that although "two out of three ain't bad", it wasn't enough and I was miserable.

40 years on, just thinking of it still hurts and I've been with my female partner for 22 years now!

LindaEllen · 20/05/2022 09:40

No because it's not fair on the other person to play with their emotions and give them false hope like that.

Baconandmaplesyrup · 20/05/2022 09:45

No. It is a cruel thing to do. Because the person who wants more will do anything and take any crumbs just to be with that person and try to fool themselves that deep down they also want more

this actually happened to a male friend of mine recently, he was seeing a woman and she wanted more, and he did go with it awhile but he had to end it, as he was just having fun and was never ever going to be with her long term but she was basically acting like it was something it wasn’t. So he did the kind thing and ended it for her sake as the longer it went on, the more hurt she was going to be.

Livpool · 20/05/2022 10:01

No - it is really unfair.

Even if you told them no chance of a relationship so many romantic comedies use this trope and the couple always falls in love so they will always be thinking you will change your mind

Sarahcoggles · 20/05/2022 10:19

I'm baffled by the people who say they could carry on, on the basis that the other person is an adult and knows the score. How could you possibly enjoy something knowing that every single time you saw your FWB, you were hurting them? Even if they said it was OK, you'd know that they were lying to you and themselves. I actually find such an immunity to someone else's feelings quite chilling.

Hm2020 · 20/05/2022 10:24

I have and i now feel bad as I basically kept them hanging on without realising it.

CandyApplePie · 20/05/2022 10:24

Sarahcoggles · 20/05/2022 10:19

I'm baffled by the people who say they could carry on, on the basis that the other person is an adult and knows the score. How could you possibly enjoy something knowing that every single time you saw your FWB, you were hurting them? Even if they said it was OK, you'd know that they were lying to you and themselves. I actually find such an immunity to someone else's feelings quite chilling.

men seem to manage it just fine, if this was another site with more men I imagine most of the comments would be yes.

Sarahcoggles · 20/05/2022 10:26

Yes I know men do it more. Still not right though.

lassof · 20/05/2022 10:27

My philosophy in life is to ask myself 'what would a man do' and act accordingly. Women hold themselves back and down - first of all by staying in such situations if they care too much, and by thinking too much about other people. Give everyone the autonomy they deserve and take your needs more seriously. In all ways.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/05/2022 10:33

CandyApplePie · 20/05/2022 10:24

men seem to manage it just fine, if this was another site with more men I imagine most of the comments would be yes.

Show quote history

That doesn't make it right though. I wouldn't lower myself to male standards.

Vikinga · 20/05/2022 10:38

No, I am a nice person and it would make me feel shit. I treat others how I'd like to be treated.

I ended a casual thing with a nice guy because i knew i didn't want a relationship with him and he wanted more. Freed him up to find someone who did. And he's now in a serious relationship and they look very happy together.