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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore probable lies about physical abuse

52 replies

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 18/05/2022 17:53

My Y6 DC told me after school today that another kid in Y6 (let's call them Alfie) has been saying their dad is hitting them at home, using this as an explanation for why Alfie has been causing trouble at school.

My DC was upset as we know Alfie and his parents pretty well. We haven't had much to do with each since the last lockdown because my DC and Alfie fell out (Alfie started being really unpleasant to my DC and spreading lies and rumours, so the friendship ended there).

Alfie had huge emotional problems during lockdown, obviously never quite understood what went wrong there but I never got the impression mum and dad were anything except concerned and supportive.

Given Alfie's history of lying, AIBU to ignore what my DC told me about Alfie saying his dad is hitting him? It seems so much more likely Alfie is making it up. If I told anyone - would I tell school? I really don't want to make a SS report for something that is probably nonsense.

But then again... AIBU?

OP posts:
FourNaanJeremy · 18/05/2022 17:57

Report it to the school’s safeguarding lead. It may not be true but it should still be reported and investigated properly.

Greensleeves · 18/05/2022 17:59

Alfie's emotional problems haven't arrived in the post, have they? His behaviour is a massive red flag - of course there could be other causes, but if he's disclosing violence at home and saying that's what's behind his disordered behaviour, then I wouldn't be ignoring it. Better safe than sorry when it comes to child protection, always. I'd speak to the safeguarding lead at the school.

MmeMeursault · 18/05/2022 18:00

It's absolutely not up to you to investigate. Dc says friend is being abused by father at home. Do you not trust your own child? Maybe friend spoke to your DC as he thought he could trust you to report the issue and get help. You need to speak to school urgently and they will take it further, in whichever direction it has to go in. You absolutely don't have the full picture and so are in no position to ignore this if it's been disclosed to you. Protect the kid FGS as maybe no one at home is able to. So why if he's told lies before? He might well be feeling the truth now.

YABU if you think it's ok to do nothing

Ihatethenewlook · 18/05/2022 18:01

It needs reporting. It’s pretty common knowledge that abuse causes behavioural problems. And of course the parents aren’t going to act abusive in front of you. And if it turns out Alfie is lying then he’s going to get a pretty good life lesson seeing what happens when false accusations like this are made.

dunnotho · 18/05/2022 18:03

I posted a thread a few days ago about ds friends having troubles at home and I wasn't sure if it was best to say something or if that would make things worse for them. People made me realise that it isn't up to me to decide that. Children's safety is everyone's responsibility and If we are made aware of something we absolutely need to speak up.

I spoke to the head at my school who is the safeguarding lead And she is now dealing with it

If Alfie is lying then social services /school will happily get to the bottom of it and they won't know it's come from you

But yes you must report

BetsyBigNose · 18/05/2022 18:03

Of course you should report it, it's not up to you to decide if he's telling the truth or not. Imagine how much worse it would be if you didn't report it and it was true, versus if you did report it and it wasn't?

YarnHoarder · 18/05/2022 18:03

Surely the risk is that he's not lying and is in fact telling the truth. It's deserves reporting and allowing the school and whoever they involve to deal with it.

senua · 18/05/2022 18:03

Either: he is being abused
or: he is telling lies about things which shouldn't be the subject of lies.
Neither is good. Tell school.

Porcupineintherough · 18/05/2022 18:04

Well another possibility is that things at home aren't as lovely as they seem - which would also account for the huge emotional problems.

But as others have said, it's not your job to ascertain whether these accusations of abuse are true or not. It is your responsibility to report what is being said to the school though.

Evilista · 18/05/2022 18:04

Abused kids often lie a lot, I wouldn't think that a child being a known liar means they are not being abused I would think it means it's more likely, but not necessarily by the person they say is abusing them or in that way (but equally could be)

something2say · 18/05/2022 18:06

This is ridiculous.

Two of the biggest red flags out there about child abuse and you fall right in the abusers trap.

In fact, many red flags you are missing. 'Oh we like the parents' said people all over the world. 'Oh he's a naughty child.' 'Oh he lies.' 'But who can believe he's been arrested for abusing his son? There were no signs whatsoever!!'

BitchyHen · 18/05/2022 18:06

As a DSL in a school I would want you to report it. If its nothing it can be cleared up quickly. If Alfie's telling the truth then he and his family need support.

3WildOnes · 18/05/2022 18:07

Absolutely 100% report this to the designated safeguarding lead at school. Anything else would be completely irresponsible.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/05/2022 18:07

Report it. Everyone thought my parents were wonderful. They were not, they were violent abusers. I longed to be rescued but never was.
It's not for you to decide whether these people are abusers or not.

RoyKentsChestHair · 18/05/2022 18:07

Safeguarding is EVERYONE’S responsibility. By making this known to your child’s teacher you could be putting a small piece of the puzzle into place for Alfie. Either his dad is physically abusing him, or he is so unhappy that he’s pretending his dad is abusing him. Either way, the kid needs some interventions. We’ve all seen how far cases of child abuse can go without anyone stepping in. So don’t worry that your report on it’s own will be enough to have Alfie’s dad arrested. It may however be part of a larger picture that helps Alfie get the support he needs.

something2say · 18/05/2022 18:08

Especially if the child has said it.

Libre2 · 18/05/2022 18:08

I would definitely report it to the safeguarding
lead at school. I did similar when my (also year 6) DD came home and said that two kids in her year had filmed themselves in bed together (!) and put it on Tictoc (or however it’s spelled). DD didn’t have a phone so it was total hearsay and I made sure the safeguarding lead knew exactly that. She said regardless of whether it was true or not it would need to be looked into.

You don’t need to decide what to do- you just need to tell school and they will do whatever does or doesn’t need doing. You will never hear anything else about it. Just do your bit.

MolliciousIntent · 18/05/2022 18:09

Jesus fucking wept.

SophSoSo · 18/05/2022 18:10

Of course you report it!

Because mum and dad seem nice to outsiders means nothing! A child, with behavioural problems, has disclosed abuse!

You report it to the safeguarding lead and let an investigation take place by professionals. If there’s nothing going on then no harm done, but it’s absolutely not your job to decide.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 18/05/2022 18:10

I agree you should act on what you’ve been told not on what you believe. Kids aren’t great at hiding their emotional issues but adults are much better at putting a front so any impression you have of mum and dad being lovely and supportive isn’t necessarily true.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 18/05/2022 18:11

Of course you report it!

StillWeRise · 18/05/2022 18:11

For heaven's sake! Of course report!
Children's safety is ALL OUR RESPONSIBILITY
You don't have to make a decision about it, just pass on what you have heard to the right person (SL at school, but anyone at school will do)
And, praise your son for doing the right thing and telling you about something that worried him.

Mischance · 18/05/2022 18:12

Even if Alfie is lying, we have to ask why he might be doing this. In either event, the content is such that it cannot be ignored - just mention it to school safeguarding lead (you can find this on school website) and leave it with them. Very often there are drip-drip alarm bells that come together to create a whole - your drip might be the critical one that helps this little boy.

Mangogogogo · 18/05/2022 18:14

You are being so unreasonable I could actually cry

Minimalme · 18/05/2022 18:26

This is why children have no voice. It is also why their lives end up ruined and taken from them.

News Flash - parents can abuse their own children and simultaneously appear like nice, reasonable people.

I know, shocker right?!